Why You Shouldn’t Date Me

I wish guys I had dated in the past had this self-awareness. It would have spared me a lot of unnecessary pain if they had recognized they couldn’t be a good partner at the time. It’s okay to be emotionally unavailable, to work through past traumas, to focus on other priorities. Just don’t drag someone else into the relationship when you can’t offer the best version of yourself and are unable to leave the other person better than you found them.

I have a lot to work on. I have recurring major depressive disorder, which is by no means a shortcoming. It can, however, leave me drained and everyone knows that you can’t pour from an empty cup. I have known people who get into relationships but are unwilling to go to therapy or put in the effort to sort through avoidant behaviors. There are usually underlying reasons for these styles of communication, like a fear of abandonment, something I struggle with although I hate admitting it to myself, let alone to others.

Therapy can do wonders in unpacking these issues and managing anxiety and other mental health concerns. While I am all for supporting a loved one during their mental health journey, I would not want to drag someone down with me by refusing to get help. No one can help me if I haven’t helped myself first, and this holds true for potential partners.

I’m working on myself so I can one day be emotionally invested. So I can look my future partner in the eyes and say “I love you” without feeling like the earth will open up and swallow me whole. The anxiety of being vulnerable is immense because the rejection that could very well follow would crush me. Unfortunately, I would rather be seen as cold and emotionally unavailable than wear my heart on my sleeve only to have it get stomped on. I realize that this is an unhealthy outlook that I need to change.

Everyone experiences rejection; it is part of life. A partner not reciprocating my feelings doesn’t necessarily reflect badly on me as a person. They may feel like we aren’t compatible. They might want other things. Maybe they struggle with commitment or vulnerability too. In any case, I recognize my avoidant behavior and realize that it can be problematic, and until I can work through these complicated feelings, I don’t think it is fair to string someone along in a relationship when I cannot bring my whole self to the table.

I’m in therapy. I write in my journal every day. It’s not easy, but I’m working on accepting the reality of rejection and how to feel secure in relationships. Until then, I will stay away from dating so I don’t hurt anyone, including myself.

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This post was previously published on medium.com.

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From The Good Men Project on Medium

What Does Being in Love and Loving Someone Really Mean?

My 9-Year-Old Accidentally Explained Why His Mom Divorced Me

The One Thing Men Want More Than Sex

The Internal Struggle Men Battle in Silence

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