Why Your Dismissive Avoidant Doesn’t Seem Invested in the Relationship

The fun dates and the “magical” moments have turned into missed calls, short texts, curt responses, and a “less than stellar” sex life.

What gives?

Why did my partner who was once loving and affectionate turn into this cold, dismissive person?

Was it something I said?

Was it something I did?

What was it?

This might sound familiar.

I’d date girls, and at the start, everything felt great. I’d get a “good morning” text daily, consistent interest, and willingness to reciprocate.

Then a few weeks/months would go by (or in once case years), and I’d be lucky to get a “good morning” message or even hear back from them like I once did.

And I know the typical response is, Well, they just weren’t interested.

Maybe, but if someone starts to slowly pull away because they aren’t interested, why not just say it?

If they don’t communicate, but continue to play along, that speaks volumes about them as a person.

Which is why their dismissive patterns have nothing to do with you.

It might seem like they don’t care, but they do.

In most cases, they WANT to be with you.

But let’s not kid ourselves here either. They care to some extent, that we can agree on.

I know… I know. It’s a confusing mess because they want to love but are afraid of it.

They want to be with you but want to keep you at an emotional “arm’s length.”

They’re simply limited in their capacity to show love, affection, and vulnerability.

Which, if all this is going on, chances are they’re a dismissive avoidant partner.

I’m gonna try to be brief on what I mean by these two words: “dismissive avoidant”

“Avoidant” is really just a label.

It’s a certain set of behaviors that tend to show up in relationships — which isn’t always limited to just romantic love.

“Dismissive avoidant” is a studied, psychological, and behavioral phenomenon of attachment theory.

Many years ago, psychologist John Bowlby developed this theory.

“His ethological theory of attachment suggests that infants have an innate need to form an attachment bond with a caregiver.”

Translation: When we’re kids, we “experience” life and all its ups and downs. Good and bad.

We learn to cope with the bad experiences with our parents or guardians and this is how we develop unique, individual attachments later in life.

A child with “avoidant” tendencies learned to cope by turning “inward.” They can be:

Incredibly self-reliant to their own detriment
Hyper-independent
Aloof, distant
Struggle to ask for help
Avoidant of intimacy or confrontation

But in short: Avoidants and anxious-preoccupied individuals are naturally drawn to each other.

It happens in nearly every relationship. We often just don’t notice it.

The more you understand and grasp this concept — that relationships silently run on these patterns, the less personal everything becomes.

Because these dynamics are bound to happen either way, regardless of the couple.

When relationships are healthy, and both people are more “secure,” we tend to not see as many dysfunctional patterns.

But let’s not just jump to assuming your partner is secure and it’s “all you.”

What I’ve personally found interesting is that the women I’ve dated who I wouldn’t hesitate to consider as DAs can appear very secure at first.

They’re very stoic, grounded, “competent” adults but they struggle with intimacy.

But underneath, their insecurity is represented by their hesitancy to connect or get close. So things will stay neutral or surface level until things get serious.

And here’s what it looks like when they pull away.

Very triggering for the partner of an avoidant.

All the things you’re feeling make sense and are valid, but at the same time, if you’re noticing these signs, it may be time to re-evaluate the relationship and have one of those “we need to talk” moments.

Here’s what I used to do.

I wanted to “win” the love of someone else because it made me feel special or “chosen.”

My attachment issues would influence me to over-invest when they were barely invested.

Kind of like I was “carrying” the relationship.

And the dismissive avoidant will notice this. When they sense it or if the relationship starts to get “more serious” they’ll feel the natural urge to pull away.

Because it’s too much for them.

They are naturally drawn to being more independent and distant than what’s normally healthy, they’re now torn between two things:

Love, intimacy, and vulnerability
Independence, self-reliance, and emotional distance

Usually, option #2 wins out.

So, in reality, their aloofness and gradual withdrawal have nothing to do with you.

Even though it feels like it.

So, you might wonder, does my dismissive avoidant partner even want to be with me?

Yes, but on their terms. Depending on how comfortable they are with being close.

The hard truth is, they’re likely more interested in having the security of a relationship while maintaining a “single” lifestyle.

Which looks like:

Often needing to ask for “space”
They’re disinterested or avoid getting to know your friends or family
Discussing a future together is a very “sensitive” topic for them

And if you start to see stuff like this, you may need to take proactive steps to protect your well-being.

A straightforward way is by enforcing boundaries.

You can read more on setting boundaries in relationships here or download a copy, but enforcing boundaries starts with verbally stating what you need/won’t tolerate and providing a specific consequence if that boundary is violated.

For example, a boundary can look like this:

I love you and want to be with you. I’m starting to feel distant from you, can you help me understand why this might be happening?

I value our time together and want to be closer, but if we’re struggling to initiate intimacy, then I may need to reduce the amount of effort I am giving to this relationship.

Set your intentions
Acknowledge what the problem is
Express your wants and needs
And then define the consequence

As a last thought,

I know how frustrating it can be. It’s not easy to be with someone you care about who seems passive or apathetic while you’re doing all the emotional work.

Being in that position flat-out sucks, and frankly, there’s not much you can do to change the situation if your DA partner isn’t willing to change.

So you have to ask,