Will Checking Your Partner’s Phone Ruin Your Relationship? [Video]

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Transcript provided by YouTube:

0:00
if a healthy person doesn’t trust
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someone they don’t say give me access to
0:04
everything
0:05
give me all of your logins they say I’m
0:08
having real issues here going into this
0:12
relationship because I don’t trust you
0:14
[Music]
0:17
what is our special question of the day
0:20
that that we’re going to answer well
0:22
Christina sent something in which I
0:24
where did she send that Audrey she sent
0:26
it a podcast at matthewhussey.com and
0:29
this is our segment called q and Audrey
0:32
yeah everyone if you could pitch in and
0:34
let us know what you think we should
0:35
call this little segment where Audrey
0:37
reads a question from the audience uh
0:39
the front runner right now is q and
0:42
Audrey
0:43
um yes let’s see if we can come up with
0:45
different options it’s not bad though q
0:48
and Audrey Christina
0:50
wrote in and said hi I really like this
0:54
guy and we’ve dated off and on for about
0:56
a year but I wasn’t ready for a
0:58
relationship at first since I had just
1:00
got out of a three-year relationship and
1:02
wanted some time to myself
1:04
I’m now ready to date this guy and he
1:07
has some trust issues with me and what
1:09
we’ve been through previously for
1:11
example my ex calling and liking my
1:13
pictures on Instagram
1:15
he wanted to look through my phone
1:17
recently and I said no he said in order
1:20
to trust me he would need my login info
1:22
for my Instagram and Gmail in order to
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trust me again
1:27
I feel like this is an invasion of
1:28
privacy and a control tactic am I in the
1:32
wrong or is he
1:34
this is giving me doubts on if I really
1:36
want to be in a relationship with him
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now
1:38
thanks for your help so did she they
1:41
dated three years ago
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and she decided not to or no she had
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just got out of a three-year
1:47
relationship so she doesn’t say when
1:48
they dated but presumably she came out
1:50
of this relationship was dating him for
1:52
a bit but wasn’t ready to commit to him
1:54
and to commit to a relationship
1:56
she’s now had some time to herself
2:00
come back towards him they’ve come back
2:01
into each other’s lives and he is saying
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to her I have trust issues I don’t trust
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you because while we were dating last
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time your ex was calling you and he was
2:12
liking your pictures on Instagram
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um so I would like to log into your
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Instagram and your Gmail in order to
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build up the trust again I have a lot of
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thoughts on this but I love your
2:22
thoughts I mean like my my Top Line
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thoughts are that
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foreign
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you should address the issues from the
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time
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so what was it if you took your moral
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compass and said what have I done I
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I believe is I was either wrong or
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hurtful
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it’s worth exploring that and then
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addressing those things
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it for example if she feels like I am a
2:50
little in the wrong because I kind of
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led him on and I didn’t actually tell
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him that I wasn’t ready for a
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relationship and I kind of let him get
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more and more invested all the while I
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was still talking to my ex and having
3:02
some kind of flirtations there and
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ultimately and ultimately I ended up
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hurting the new guy because I wasn’t
3:09
ready for anything and I didn’t really
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let him know that early on
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then that’s the conversation you address
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you say you come you sort of come clean
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on that stuff and you say look here’s
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the reality
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I came out of a relationship
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and I wasn’t ready for something but I
3:26
acted poorly with you I was selfish in
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the way that I approached our situation
3:31
because rather than admitting up front I
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wasn’t ready for more I let things
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progress to a level that then hurt you
3:42
um I wasn’t
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in love with my ex or you know I wasn’t
3:46
trying to be back with my ex but I also
3:48
wasn’t in a place where I was able to
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fully commit to somebody and I’m sorry
3:52
that at the time I wasn’t more honest
3:55
with you about that think about how
3:56
important what I’m about to say must be
3:58
for me to interrupt my own video well
4:01
here’s why it’s important it’s going to
4:03
change your love life and it’s free if
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you want to know why someone may have
4:07
faded out why they may have disappeared
4:10
why all of a sudden it felt like the
4:12
momentum was lost with this person go to
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why he’s gone.com where I talk about the
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main reasons someone disappears go check
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it out why he’s gone.com and now let’s
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go back to the video that being said
4:28
I’ve had time to think about what I want
4:31
I really find myself now in a place
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where I can give to a relationship and
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you’re the person I’d like to give that
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a try with because I really like you and
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I did in the beginning which is why I
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wanted to get to know you in the first
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place albeit a time when I wasn’t ready
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however
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if we’re going to start from a place of
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trust that has to cut both ways
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and my you trusting me
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has to also come with me being able to
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trust that you respect
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healthy boundaries and that you respect
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my privacy
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and you asking for the login
5:16
to my social media and to my whatever it
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was her emails or phone or whatever is
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is
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um it’s not acceptable to me
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I would
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I wouldn’t want to have that kind of
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relationship with anybody and I
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certainly wouldn’t ask the same of you
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if I was going into a relationship with
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you where I felt there were trust issues
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I wouldn’t be asking for the logins
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I’d be asking myself
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do I really trust who this person is as
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a human do I trust their character
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um and do I see them do I see my it
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being worth giving them a shot I
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wouldn’t say I wouldn’t make it
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conditional on whether I had the logins
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to their devices
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and I ask the same of you now I’m
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telling you the truth about the past
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I’ve come clean
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about where I was at the time and I’m
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also being honest with you about where I
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am now
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if that’s not enough for you
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that’s a real shame because I think we
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could be great and I think that we could
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have something really special
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but I also understand
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but this is a this is a line for me
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that’s being crossed and and I I don’t
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want to start on the footing of me
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feeling like my privacy has been invaded
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yeah I I couldn’t agree more I also
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think ultimately if you choose to get
6:37
back together with someone
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that’s not to say if somebody has hurt
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you in the past you can of course you’re
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going to have to work through certain
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things but if you choose to get back
6:47
with someone you should choose to trust
6:50
them again and trusting them doesn’t
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mean having access
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to their email their social media it
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means you trust them in spite of the
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fact that you have no proof that they’re
7:00
not doing anything that’s what trust is
7:02
it’s if I have to if I have to check
7:04
your phone every time in order to trust
7:06
you then you don’t
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that I don’t trust you and if you choose
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to get back with someone
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you have to come at it from a place
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where you are going
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I trust you enough to see
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whether or not this is going to go
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somewhere and whether or not
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you’re going to be good for me
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um and I think if you can’t do that that
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means that the relationship the trust is
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broken is too far gone which can happen
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and that’s a real shame but it’s also
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it’s the part where you’re saying which
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it is a shame but it’s that does happen
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sometimes for people but you have to be
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self-aware enough to know that if the
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security you need is to be able to
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constantly check people’s emails and
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social media and messages in order to
7:50
feel safe then there’s something wrong
7:52
with the relationship well and there’s
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something I would argue there’s
7:57
something you have to really look at in
7:58
yourself because if if a healthy person
8:02
doesn’t trust someone they don’t say
8:04
give me access to everything
8:07
give me all of your logins they say I’m
8:09
having real issues here
8:12
going into this relationship because I
8:14
don’t trust you
8:16
and I’m that’s maybe that’s partly my
8:19
fault because I’m overthinking things or
8:22
I’m letting my demons get carried away
8:24
but
8:25
until I can address those for myself
8:28
then going further isn’t going to work
8:31
for me you don’t respond to it by saying
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give me your logins yeah or let’s work
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together to
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you know let’s invest in trying to make
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me trust you because I recognize that
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this could be my thing but it’s also you
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know been instigated by something you’ve
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done so let’s work together to to get to
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a place where we you know we have that
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trust and we rebuild together as a team
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but in a healthy way rather than from a
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foundation of checking yeah what I would
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say to her is
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make sure you feel
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you have had a really open clear
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conversation with him
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about the areas where you feel you fell
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short
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and what you wish you had done
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differently
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and say it plainly and directly
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because that’s what gives credibility to
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your words today
9:28
what you don’t want it’s easy when
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someone doesn’t trust you
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to get into a very
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um
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this pattern of
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what becomes really noisy communication
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of I didn’t even do this and you’re
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making a thing out of this and it wasn’t
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even a thing and this and that and you
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know I like there’s a kind of like or an
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over justification is the opposite of
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that where it’s like I’m so sorry and I
9:59
didn’t mean to do this I didn’t mean to
10:00
do that no instead there has to be a
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point at which you say
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this is what happened
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this is why it happened that way
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and there isn’t anything more that I can
10:15
say about that factually because that’s
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it
10:18
that’s what it that’s that’s the
10:20
situation
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uh allowing him to dictate the paradigm
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of chopping it up a thousand different
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ways
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which by the way asking for your logins
10:32
is just another version of that is I
10:34
want to just look in your stuff to just
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chop it up even more ways
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well that’s
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that’s you buying into their paradigm
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does you allowing them to dictate the
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rhythm of the communication
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what I want Christina to have is the
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closure that she communicated clearly
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and openly and directly
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and then said that’s all there is to say
11:02
and I’m ready to move on
11:05
and if you’re not that’s okay
11:08
but
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I can’t unless you want to unless you
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want to just work together to build
11:15
trust going forward there’s no more I
11:19
can say about that
11:20
because I’ve explained to you everything
11:22
but I would argue she’s allowed to
11:24
revisit it sorry he would be allowed to
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revisit it with her if he feels insecure
11:30
moments or triggered a moments I think
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it’s not so much about going
11:34
you know here’s all I have to say about
11:36
it now let’s move on it’s about not
11:37
indulging the worst sides of him and his
11:40
jealousy because ultimately if you
11:42
indulge that side of him yes yes I agree
11:46
with that I agree with that but
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there’s a tone and a manner of
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communication that someone who is trying
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to
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um
11:57
find more than there is or trying to you
12:00
know if they’re coming from their demons
12:02
and if they’re coming from their own
12:04
trauma and their fears then they will
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try to
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stoke the fires of that conversation
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to create more
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and you have to kind of be the the water
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that’s constantly putting that out not
12:21
by shutting things down and saying I’m
12:22
never talking about this again but if
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someone if someone’s getting an agitated
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tone and saying but what about this and
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when you did that and when you know it’s
12:32
like
12:34
back then I was in this situation I was
12:38
feeling this and I’m not proud of that
12:42
I’m not proud of being unclear or I’m
12:44
not proud of not being straight about my
12:46
intentions or whatever but but that’s
12:48
that’s the whole story
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and I if if there’s healing to be done
12:52
amongst between us that’s okay I’m all
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for that but there isn’t any more story
12:58
to to tell
13:00
that’s the part where you have to be you
13:04
don’t let someone drag you into slicing
13:07
and dicing the situation in more ways
13:09
than the situation actually deserves
13:12
because then you are you’re allowing
13:14
their trauma you’re allowing their
13:16
demons to set the tone
13:18
for the conversation
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you can you can communicate with them
13:22
and help them heal but what you can’t do
13:24
is get dragged into matching their tone
13:27
and their manner of communication
13:30
I would say
13:32
Christina listen back to what Matt said
13:36
in his in your answer like you could
13:38
transcribe that and it’s just perfectly
13:41
written but also Matt’s tone was just
13:45
just right too as far as being the the
13:48
water on that flame and don’t yeah don’t
13:51
go don’t be invited to the demon dinner
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have your own have your own set set the
13:56
table yourself and uh let that be the
13:58
narrative
14:00
why before YouTube sends you down the
14:03
rabbit hole of watching raccoon videos
14:05
or videos of large crocodiles on Florida
14:10
golf courses I have something that will
14:12
help your love life more than these
14:14
things and it’s at why he’s gone.com if
14:16
you want to know why someone faded out
14:19
why they were giving you attention and
14:21
all of a sudden they stopped this guide
14:23
shows you go to why he’s gone.com and
14:27
then enjoy
14:28
your baby bear videos

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This post was previously published on YouTube.

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