Surviving a long distance relationship is one of the hardest challenges an individual can face in their love lives, so it’s worth knowing your chances of success.
Out of all my friends who’s long distance relationship did not last, their single biggest regret was not ending it sooner. If they could go back, they would salvage all that they had wasted. The time wasted staying home to call their partner instead of going out with friends. The money wasted on travel expenses to fly thousands of miles to see each other. The tears wasted on each hardship faced only for it all to inevitably come to an end.
But…
Long distance relationships can work. Successfully coming out of it at the other end makes you feel like your relationship could withstand any future hurdles life throws at you. You feel invincible. It’s like your relationship has gained a superpower that only you and your partner can see.
The kind of ending that your long distance relationship will have is solely based on you and your partner. Despite the inner complexities that exists within each individual relationship, there are some resounding similarities across the board that can help you foresee how yours will unfold.
If you answer ‘yes’ to the following questions then it is likely that your long distance relationship will survive. If you answer ‘no’ to any of these questions, don’t get too disheartened, there’s still hope.
1. Can I see the end goal?
The end goal is the agreed point in time (between you and your partner) for when your long distance will end. It doesn’t have to be an exact date, but it has to exist. You should be able to calculate the approximate amount of time left until you and your partner will be residing in the same city.
Of all the long distance couples I know who unfortunately did not survive; the number one factor contributing to their break up was the fact that they were unable to see the end goal. This included those couples who had their communication nailed down, loved each dearly and put in an incredible amount of effort to making their relationship work.
When my boyfriend and I entered our long distance relationship between London and Singapore (that is a 14 hour flight journey and 8 hour time difference), we decided that by the time he graduates in three years, one of us will move to the other’s respective city. From the onset, we were adamant of doing a maximum of three years long distance and no more. During the most difficult times, this gave us something to hold onto. We knew the tough times wouldn’t last; we just had to get through them.
That is why it is crucial to have an end goal because knowing when the difficult times will end makes them much more tolerable. Human beings are happiest when we are progressing. If there is no end goal, then your relationship is essentially stagnating. Sooner or later the itch to move your relationship forward will emerge. Thoughts such as ‘what’s the point of this anymore, it isn’t going anywhere’ will take over and that’s the beginning of the end.
What if my answer was no?
If you’re stuck in long distance limbo with no end in sight, it might be time to have a long, hard think about the future. Wherever in the world you and your partner may be, both of you need to sit down and figure out who is willing to make the eventual move to be closer together. Of course, your partner will not be the only factor that comes into play when deciding to move to another city or country. Factors such as money, career, family, friends etc. all need to be considered. Therefore, three additional important questions should be discussed when crafting an end goal:
– Will we both be genuinely happy living in that city?
– What happens if we break up?
– Is one of us being forced to make an unfair sacrifice?
Having this conversation can be incredibly difficult. Sometimes we put it off because we are scared to know the answer; but you are only prolonging the inevitable. Eventually this topic will come up. If you can’t seem to bring yourself to have this conversation just think: this is short term pain for long term gain. Whatever the result of the conversation may be, just know you were better off knowing the truth soon rather than later.
2. Are we as committed as each other?
Early this year, my cousin celebrated her four year anniversary with her boyfriend. Three of those years were spent doing long distance between Norway and Australia (that is over 14,000km apart). Even with the pandemic making their long distance relationship 10x harder, they are incredibly happy and still going strong. After spending many late nights seeking her advice, she explained that the secret to their success really boils down to effort. Both parties put an incredible and equal amount of effort to make time for each other including short daily phone calls, several twenty hour plane journeys and constant check-ins.
The key here is that their partnership is equal. They both take turns to fly from Australia to Norway and vice versa. One person is not expected to do most of the travelling i.e. they are as committed as each other. While there will be times in your relationship when one person must carry most of the burden, that shouldn’t be the case for prolonged periods of time. In the long run, it should balance out so that both parties are carrying an equal amount of the weight.
More often than not, resentment builds when one person feels as if they are making too many sacrifices. We have an innate desire to love and be loved in equal amounts. However, when our partner is unable to meet our standards or match our effort level, subconsciously we will start resent them for it. Now this may be an incredibly cynical view of love- surely we should give it everything we’ve got and expect little in return? While this level of selflessness is something we should all aspire to in our relationships, it is rarely the case in reality. It is unlikely that you will be completely happy and fulfilled in a relationship where you feel like you are carrying most of the weight. Eventually it will wear you down.
What if my answer was no?
You should decide whether the unequal distribution of effort is only temporary. There have been times where I have felt unloved in my long distance relationship only to find that my partner is just busy with an increased workload. We won’t always be able to prioritise our relationship and that is okay.
However, if it feels like your partner has contributed considerably less effort than you for a prolonged period; then it’s time to reassess whether there is a deeper issue. Often it will feel as if there is excuse after excuse. From being too busy with work; to needing to spend time with family; or catch-up with friends- no one is ever too busy for the things that are important to them. It’s a hard pill to swallow but it just might be time to realise you no longer sit at the top of their priority list.
It may be heartbreaking, but consider this: do you really want to be with someone who doesn’t prioritise you? Life is going to throw so many challenging hurdles at us; from illness to retrenchment to a global pandemic, you should want someone you can depend on through it all.
3. Do I trust them?
Trust is crucial in any relationship but it’s even more so when your partner is halfway across the world and you have zero visibility on them. To add, long distance will make even the most secure person insecure sometimes. It’s hard not to be. In the beginning of my long distance relationship, I turned into someone I’m not entirely proud of. I was jealous, suspicious and constantly anxious. My partner did his best to reassure my fears. He avoided doing things that he knew made me uncomfortable, such as getting very drunk or hanging out with female friends he just met one-on-one. If I could sum it up in one word, it would be that he was very considerate. That was how I knew I could trust him.
“For the sake of your own mental health, you need to be able to trust your partner.”
The inability to trust your partner will make your life a complete misery. The constant anxiety, fear and speculations of what they might be getting up to without you there is going to drive you insane. For the sake of your own mental health, you need to be able to trust your partner. You need to be able to blissfully fall asleep without the constant need to check your phone to see if they have replied to your messages. You deserve to go to bed knowing that you can trust them to respect you and your relationship- even when separated by thousands of miles.
What if my answer is no?
Trust should already exist in the first place but it is also something that needs to be built. As mentioned earlier, the issue with long distance is that often we feel that we don’t have visibility on our partners. By visibility I don’t mean the ability to stalk your partner like the main character from the Netflix show ‘YOU’. A lack of visibility on our partners means we often feel like we are no longer a big part of their lives because we are so far away.
So how do you remedy this? You should do regular check-ins; keep each other informed on your respective schedules; text and call often; celebrate the good days and the bad days together. Building trust requires effort and sacrifice.
That being said if your gut is telling you that there is something wrong, then listen to it. No one knows the nitty-gritty details of your relationship except for you. It’s not only important to assess whether you trust your partner but also whether they are worthy of your trust.
Do they make an active effort to avoid doing things they know will make you uncomfortable? Are they open and honest with their plans and whereabouts? Are you the first person they share important life moments with? These are all questions to consider when trying to decipher how much effort your partner is forging to build trust in your long distance relationship.
Trust is not destination to arrive at. Trust is like building a house. You start with the foundations and work your way up; but even when that house is complete, the work still isn’t over. You and your partner need to maintain that house to ensure it doesn’t fall into disrepair. Building and maintaining trust is a never-ending task and both of you need to be willing to do the work.
Don’t runaway from the truth
Underlying all of what has been said is communication and honesty- both towards yourself and to your partner. Most of the time the person that lies to us the most is ourselves, because we are too scared to see the truth. We do what humans naturally do, we avoid pain as much as possible, even if it’s to our long-term detriment. Don’t run away from the answers to these fundamental questions. As cliché as it may be: the truth will set you free.
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Previously published on Medium.com.
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Photo credit: Priscilla Du Preez on Unsplash