Tim McAuley doesn’t want his younger self to skip the mistakes.
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So, I read the GMP call for submissions for letters and tweets to our younger selves and I decided to give it a go.
Yesterday, I typed and deleted several tweets #GMPTB.
Maybe I’m too wordy
Where would I start? Sixth grade?
I was a short kid with husky pants. Mr. Brown asked the class—“What do you want to be when you grow up?”
My reply-“A writer and a teacher” met with laughter and ridicule.
Heartbroken.
Dreams crushed.
“I will never use cuss words towards Mr. Brown or any other teacher” written 1,000 times over the next two weeks.
Do I say something here?
“Don’t listen to Mr. Brown. Follow your heart. Write every day. Read. You’re a smart kid, and you’re going to be a great man someday.”
No.
Fast forward. End of eighth grade year; a little less chubby. Naked on a pull out couch with a twenty year old woman.
Do I say something here?
“Don’t do it man. Wait. This will be so much better with someone you love.”
No.
Later that summer. Just after a growth spurt. Eleven inches taller, no so chubby now. About to bring the lighter to pop can in Timken Park.
Do I say something here?
“You’re too young, too angry and in too much emotional pain for marijuana. Smoking it and those cigarettes a mistake; and are going to lead you down some dark paths. Walk away.”
Do I say something here?
No.
I’ll spare you the 14 years of debauchery that followed; the string of failed relationships, and near nervous breakdowns.
Because I couldn’t find one single thing that I wanted to tell my former self, even though it breaks my heart to see him in so much pain.
♦◊♦
But, I sit here this morning; an amazing woman upstairs asleep. We met last summer.
I look out over the lake. I type these words. And it seems that my career is about to take off. Next week, I’ll be in Wilmington, NC to cover a Stand Up Paddle Board Race. Life is great.
When I look back at all the former versions of myself; angry, depressed, suicidal.
There is nothing to say.
I’m afraid that if I tell my younger self something, that he’ll skip all the mistakes, and realize sooner that he’s worthy of love, and that healthy relationships aren’t fairy tales.
It’s been a battle. I have scars. I’ve watched good people die too young, and wished for my own death more than once.
Thank you, #GMPTB. I found something to say to my former selves.
As the images spoke through my fingers, a feeling of shame started to overcome me.
I’ve led an interesting life to say the least. It would be difficult to not carry a sense of guilt.
So, to all former versions of Tim McAuley, I say:
“I forgive you. You are loved. And you’re doing the best you can. It’s all going to work out. Do what you need to do. I have no regrets.”
♦◊♦
Photo: Courtesy of the author
Guy better be careful with the hand sign, it’s very similar to the Latin Kings.
Thanks Tom.
They didn’t have very many Latin Kings in Buffalo, Ohio in 1990. And some of the debauchery the followed clued me in on the hand signs.