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It’s an old stereotype: women are over-expressive while men don’t talk about their emotions. But why is that? It comes down to socialization: from childhood, girls are taught that they should express their emotions (except anger), while boys are taught to suppress their feelings. By the time we’re adults and parenting children of our own, we unthinkingly pass those messages on to our children.
But what happens when the father needs to guide their kids through a traumatic event such a death, divorce, car accident, or natural disaster? As men, we can help our children process traumatic emotions, but it may not come naturally. No one ever taught us how, but we can step up and give that guidance to our children.
Model Grief Management
In the face of trauma, the most important thing you can do for your child is to name the experience and put words to your feelings. Children learn to express their own feelings and process them when you model strong coping skills. Whether that means talking about being sad or afraid, participating in therapeutic activities together, or just spending extra time with your child, your support is especially important right now – many children who’ve been through a death or recent divorce may feel a sense of abandonment and need that extra comfort.
Though you’re at a different stage of life than your child, you likely share many of the same emotions. Don’t be afraid to say so. Pushing down your own feelings won’t help anyone.
De-Stigmatize Therapy
There are a lot of things you can do to help your child through grief and trauma, but you can’t do it by yourself. That’s why you should consider seeking therapy for your child – and yourself. Unfortunately, men are often taught that therapy is for people who are weak, that it’s for women, or that it’s a shameful thing to pursue. You need to break down this stigma, both for your own sake and for your child.
Look for a therapist who specializes in childhood trauma. They’ll be best equipped to help your child navigate life changes, fears, mood swings, and grief. If you have life insurance or money from a diminished value claim after an accident, consider that your therapy fund. That money goes towards helping you heal together.
Include Them In Mourning
One of the biggest mistakes we make as a culture when dealing with death is that we entirely leave children out of the picture. We assume they don’t understand the grief process, shouldn’t participate in funerals, and will be confused by the concept of death. This prevents children from receiving the support they need and developing a sense of closure.
Instead of keeping children on the outside of tragedy, we should be helping them to remember the person they lost – let them select a keepsake, participate in funeral planning, and help them identify other adults in their lives who they can turn to for comfort. Children need to grieve just as much as the rest of us, but we need to make room for that in an age-appropriate way.
Maybe you’ve never seen your dad cry, maybe you were told grief isn’t manly, but it’s time to break out of that mold. If you’re going to be a good role model for your children through the most difficult times in their life, you need to break away from stereotypes of masculinity. We all feel loss and trauma deeply. Walk this journey with your child.
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