Yes, She Might Think You Are 'Ick'. Here's Why That's Good News

Rejection. We hate the way that sounds, we hate the way that feels. It doesn’t matter if you have been accepted by a million people, places and things, it is the one rejection that sticks in your craw, a sore spot your mind returns to like a tongue touching a canker sore.

Intrinsic to the plight of rejection is the central idea that there is something “wrong” with us. And we ALL HATE to be WRONG. But what if rejection is not our fault?

What if the reason we have been rejected is something we have absolutely no control over?

So I am thinking on this in response to bestselling author Bryan Caplan’s recent essay The Typical Man Disgusts the Typical Woman. His humorous and intelligent article cites an infamous “Ok Cupid” survey that seems to suggest quite strongly, as Caplan phrased it, the median man moderately disgusts the typical woman, and the bottom quarter of men strongly disgust the typical woman. He then goes on to say,

Men should stop taking rejection so personally. When the typical women rejects you, the problem isn’t so much that she finds you unappealing. The problem is that the typical woman finds almost all men unappealing.

Okay, that probably doesn’t sound like great news, I get it.

But the thing that most men don’t realize is that because men are more visual-attraction based and women are more wholistic, men’s standards are so BASIC (I kinda like the way she looks) they don’t really understand that Caplan is right when he asserts–women can and will overcome any initial “revulsion” if it turns out a guy is an awesome person (and how could you ever tell from a dating website? that is an in-person realization exclusively).

ALSO (and I was JUST talking about this with my BFF)

YES

We do actually find men we are not attracted to “repulsive”. Not necessarily as human beings, but definitely as potential sex partners.

AND

Caplan is also right that men should not take that personally.

Because again, men’s standard for sexual attractiveness is “I kind of like the way she looks”, where women again have this wholistic checklist and “the way he looks” is way down that totem pole.

Case study: I remember briefly dating this guy when I lived in NYC who was literally a male model. SUPER good looking, beautiful hair and smile and he was nice and smart enough.

But he smelled disgusting to me (Women can smell genetic compatibility, there are studies) and one day after I introduced him to some of my friends, they were all commenting on how good looking he was and I said, “But he smells disgusting” and two of them were like, “What are you talking about?” and one said, “Oh, yeah, he does.“

And to me, he always smelled disgusting, even fresh out of the shower. Totally not his fault. And I did not end our relationship because he smelled bad.

One day we went to the movies to see “Scenes From a Mall” which is a comedy starring Bette Midler and Woody Allen about a couple going through a divorce (HIS PICK) and when it was over, he asked how I liked it and I said it was very funny (It was a comedy!!!!) and he said, “Well, you just think that because your parents aren’t divorced.”

That felt like a deliberate emotional ambush so buh-bye. See, the smell was not his fault. The emotional ambush was.

But the truth is, there are many men I like as people very much, who look just fine to my eyes, who still don’t “sexually attract” me. SPOILER ALERT: every single woman I have ever asked about this agrees with me. Whereas men, probably mostly through cultural conditioning (not your fault!) have been trained into a Pavlovian response to women who look just fine to their eyes…she translates as “sexually attractive”.

Now I am going to gently ask you to indulge in a thought experiment…

What if…just maybe? What if…men raised their standards a notch above “I kinda like the way she looks”? Would that level the playing field a bit?

Also, I want to get back to the “women can smell genetic compatibility” factor. This is actually a super power and you can be eternally grateful that this is true. So the next time a woman “rejects” you, remind yourself that there is a strong possibility that your genes were a toxic mix and praise the power of science that you did not go down that path.

And here is more food for thought…if you have a woman in your life who obviously enjoys and respects you, why is it an automatic “lose” if she does not want to go to bed with you? Isn’t that a standard you should question? And if you feel all butt-hurt about it, maybe you might consider the fact that you are the one rejecting her friendship rather than her rejecting you as a sex partner.

That woman who finds you “sexually icky” might be a great ally in finding the woman who gets you on every level.

Wouldn’t that be a gift?

Now, not to end on a downer note but it seems fitting here to remind men of the soul-crushing truth in Margaret Atwood’s words:

“Men are afraid that women will laugh at them. Women are afraid that men will kill them.”

The playing field is NOT level. All women have theoretical reasons to fear men, most women have practical ones. So maybe (just MAYBE), that “Ick” she feels is a defensive response.

And if you knew she was “rejecting” you because she was afraid, how would that change how you framed it? How would that change how you feel about her? How would that change how you conduct yourself?

Yes, she might think you are “ick”. But you don’t have to take that personally, not by a long shot. Instead, you might accept that she is protecting herself.

Instead, you might realize she is protecting you,

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