He opens the door as he does at this time every day but this time your eyes lock up with his eyes and you know that he knows that something is wrong. He keeps his cool and asks calmly, “Hey. What’s going on?”
You feel your heart racing, you feel the blood throbbing in your veins, your lip quivers, and your eyes squint a bit as you focus deeper into his eyes. You want to capture any clue that signifies he’s being anything less than fully honest with you. You feel betrayed!
“Were you on your computer this morning?”
Now, depending on how long you have been married, and how many times this has happened before, and just exactly what you found on his computer that he forgot to lock up or turn off, will all play a role in how he responds next.
Usually, this is where the gaslighting begins.
Gaslighting is a term that originated from the 1938 play (and 1944 film adaptation) Gaslight. It’s basically when someone tries to make another person question their own sanity and grip on reality by denial, manipulation, deception, or any means necessary to raise doubts.
If you only find some mild forms of porn and this is the first time, he will likely go to the “it’s only porn” card and try to convince you that all guys look at it from time to time and that if it bothers you he promises to quit.
If you find strange or hardcore stuff that scares you and you find that he has had a long history with hiding it over the years and that in your opinion it looks as though it has gotten progressively worse, he may go to the victim card and maybe even cry a bit. He may beg you to give him a chance to get help. He may actually get help or just feign recovery until you get off his back. Only time will tell.
If you find really scary stuff, including affairs, chat rooms, hook-ups, financial irresponsibility, there’s no telling what card he might play. An old-time favorite, but not a nice one, is the “turn the tables” card. This is where he tries to convince you that are you just as guilty or maybe even at fault because you eat, drink, spend, weigh, preach, abandon, (fill in the blank) too much! If you weren’t such a bad person he wouldn’t be doing what he’s doing.
These are just a few of the cards that get played at disclosure:
It’s not that bad.
Everybody does it.
I didn’t know it bothered you.
I can’t stop. I need help.
It’s your fault.
I don’t care what you think. Bye.
The real question is not what card is he going to play. The question is what are you going to do now that you know something you didn’t know before?
Mike Tyson says, “everybody has a plan until they get punched in the face”.
The betrayal feels like a Mike Tyson punch to the face.
It can be traumatic, bewildering, extremely stressful, baffling, shocking, and can leave betrayed spouses feeling stressed, depressed, shocked, confused, and maybe even suicidal.
Suggestion One:
Do not assume things will get better on their own. Working with a professional can help you learn how to effectively define what your boundaries are regarding porn and or sexual infidelity and how to get your needs met so that you feel safe in your relationship.
Suggestion Two:
Don’t try going this alone. Get help. There are people trained to deal with sexual trauma and infidelity. Look for a therapist trained as a CSAT, Certified Sex Addiction Therapist. They are specifically trained to deal with all of the drama that surrounds betrayal.
The Association of Partners of Sex Addicts Trauma Specialists, APSATS, provides specialists who are likewise trained to help partners of sex addicts.
Suggestion Three:
Join up with others who have experienced betrayal. Infidelity Survivors Anonymous http://www.isurvivors.org/ and COSA https://cosa-recovery.org/ are two 12 Step groups that deal with infidelity in formats modeled after Alcoholics Anonymous.
Suggestion Four:
Continue to monitor your self-care. It is easy to get so lost in the problem that you can forget to do even the basics. Everyone knows that when a plane is experiencing trouble each person is asked to place their own oxygen mask on before attempting to help others. Dealing with betrayal trauma requires the same due diligence. Take care of yourself first. Make sure you are getting enough rest, good food, exercise, exposure to healthy people, and ideas. Your life does not have to come to a screeching halt just because your partner is struggling to keep his vows.
Suggestion Five:
Unless you are going to cut and run, remember that you are on the same team. Your bad behavior is not going to make him any better. Practice keeping your side of the street clean. Two wrongs won’t make things right. It’s tempting to believe that since he is incapable or unwilling to be an adult, you might as well join in the ruckus. This will not make the situation or relationship any better. You may live to regret not showing up as your best self.
This is just scratching the surface of suggestions and possible solutions. I have seen many couples make it through the rough waters only to come out better, stronger, and more intimate than before the disclosure. Sometimes, the betrayal of infidelity is just a gigantic sign that something important was missing in the relationship that needed serious attention. Once a couple gets down to seriously addressing issues in an adult, mature fashion, real commitment, and friendship can reblossom.
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This post was previously published on Hello, Love.
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