Perhaps you are familiar with the type of parent who would love to have a child but it isn’t for the purpose of ushering a new life into the world or giving this life everything it needs to be everything it wants to be.
No, some parents want a child so that the child fulfills the parent’s wishes. It is an unfortunate stereotype of parents who push their children into the arts, sports or business because the parent didn’t get to live their dream. And so they make their kid do what they couldn’t in order to live through them.
Perhaps some might consider what I’m about to say as hyperbolic, but I think having a child for this reason is tantamount to abuse. The child’s voice is being silenced and their minds are being inculcated by someone else’s wishes; someone the child depends on for life.
Jennette McCurdy of iCarly fame has been talking about her experiences with her late mother for several years now. She noted that her eating disorder and insecurities with her body were born from her strained relationship with her mother.
It took her several years before she could address her mental health issues and then a few more years to embark on the things she truly valued.
But what does this have to do with finding your own purpose?
The parent who has a child in order for the child to do things for them is failing at their purpose. The parent is supposed to serve the child. The function of a parent is to look at how this little life is expressing itself and to give this life every opportunity possible to thrive in its own purpose.
If you agree with this sentiment, that’s great. But why is it that we don’t live this way?
We take a job primarily because we want money, not because we are focused on serving others. We enter a relationship primarily because we want sex or love, not because we are focused on serving someone we consider exceptional. We want a purpose because we want to see what makes us special, not because we want to serve others by giving them something only we can give.
The overall point I’m making is that using something to serve your ego is no different than a parent who uses a child to serve their own ego. When you are busy trying to serve yourself, you cheat the world (and ultimately yourself). You aren’t putting your best foot forward. The ego grows and grows. The illusion of control is running the show.
But when you serve others, the ego vanishes. You are no longer impeded by what’s best for you. You simply give your best which highlights what you are best at giving. Do you see the contrast there? In focusing on yourself, you are going to worry about yourself and probably get trapped in analysis paralysis. But when focusing on others, you automatically give the talents that you can give.
Trying to figure out what life owes you doesn’t work and doesn’t make sense because you are life. Have you ever had poor customer service (of course you have) and then wonder why this person took the job if they weren’t going to do a good job?
Would you want someone to say the same about you? Of course not. I understand that the reality for many of us is that we have to take jobs we don’t want in order to pay the bills and survive. But you are doing the world and yourself a disservice by staying in a job that you don’t even want to be in and not going in the direction of how you can serve others.
But hey, maybe you’re a misanthrope. Maybe you detest people and don’t want to give the world your talents because you don’t think they deserve it or because they won’t value you.
You’re in quite the conundrum because how are you ever going to excel if you don’t do the things you’re good at? How will you ever recognize value in others if you hate them? And if you think people are so bad, why aren’t you helping them?
Anyway you flip it, life remains either a bore or a chore if you approach it selfishly. I can tell you from personal experience, every nightmare I’ve ever had with regards to purpose had one commonality: being self-centered.
It was absolutely astounding to watch the anxieties of what to do and who to be disintegrate the moment I stopped focusing on what I could get out of life and focused on what I could give. I had been sniffing around the answer for years, but was too afraid to give up the security of steady pay.
Let’s face it. This is a real dilemma people face. Some people know exactly what their purpose is but are tied to their job. There are a few solutions.
You can continue in the job you have now but change your attitude towards it and serve people as best as you can. You can continue in the job and serve people the best you can while you make steps to create the job and service you know you can provide well. Lastly, and if you think you’re ready, you can walk away from your current job and invest your time and energy into serving others in the best way you can.
It is true that in order to serve others, you must first be whole yourself. This probably isn’t truer than when one becomes a parent. Your little one will be subject to your neuroses. But it is true for every facet of life because we’re always serving one another. And sometimes we don’t become whole until we serve others. Sometimes that’s the missing piece.
We depend on one another in society. We all need to be served in every way you can imagine. Why not pay it forward by being the best servant you can be? When you commit to serving others, you will never question what your purpose is. You’re living it.
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This post was previously published on Change Becomes You.
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You may also like these posts on The Good Men Project:
White Fragility: Talking to White People About Racism | Escape the “Act Like a Man” Box | Why I Don’t Want to Talk About Race | What We Talk About When We Talk About Men |
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