You Cheating Bastard! What?

To say that Michelle Lichtenberg was pretty would be considered an understatement. Everyone who knew her marvelled at how naturally attractive she was, and that included her Husband, Larry. He adored her and loved her with his whole being.

To celebrate Michelle’s Sixtieth Birthday, Larry threw a big party at LaCrosse, a hot new restaurant in downtown Toronto. The party was filled with family and friends, and everyone had a great time.

Two weeks after the party, Michelle came into the Lichtenberg living room and looked at Larry. She seemed intense and was biting her lower lip. ‘’I know about your affair, and I can’t handle it. I want a divorce.’’ Larry was stunned beyond words. He felt his heart racing. ‘’What are you talking about? We’ve been married for twenty-seven years. I would never step out on you. You’re my best friend, and I love you. I would never hurt you. Have you met somebody else?’’

Michelle sat down on the couch across from her husband. ‘’I saw your computer. You have been involved with some woman named Lisa Redmond.’’ Larry laughed. ‘’ Lisa owns a large company that manufactures honey. I’m the company’s accountant. We’ve become friends, but I’m not fooling around with her. That’s ridiculous. Why did you think I was having an affair?’’ Michelle resolute. ‘’I read in Cosmopolitan that there are all kinds of different types of affairs. It looks to me like you’re having an emotional one.’’ Larry vehemently shook his head. ‘’No way, we correspond a couple of times a week, but if you read the emails, you’ll see they’re innocent. We’ve just become good friends.’’ Michelle shook her head. ‘’The email I read was pretty personal. You mentioned going to the cottage and your new Jet Ski. You told her how much you love zooming around the lake. You love the freedom. I mean, what does that have to do with accounting?’’

Larry was shocked; he liked Lisa but never thought he was involved in any kind of illicit situation with her. He enjoyed her emails and their banter, but there was nothing more than that going on. They had just become buddies. He enjoyed doing business with her. Plus she lived in Nova Scotia, and he was in Ontario.

Michelle still looked very pensive. Let’s go through the last few emails and find out how personal they’ve become. Larry agreed, and when he read them out loud, he realized that his wife was right. He shared information about a trip he and Michelle had taken to Florida but hadn’t mentioned his wife. He shared that he was working out twice a day so he could avoid going on Ozempic. Things were random but personal. Lisa was right, he had discussed a million things, but business was barely mentioned.

Larry looked at his wife and his heart sank. ‘’I’m sorry. I never thought there was an entanglement other than a casual friendship. I could never be involved with another woman, and I would never step out on you.’’ Michelle still didn’t seem satisfied. ‘’That’s all well and good, Larry, but let’s read between the lines of your emails.’’

They sat together for almost an hour, and Larry felt sick. His emails were more intimate than he realized, and for the first time in his life, he felt like a cheater.

The next morning he wrote Lisa an email. ‘Hi Lisa, Hope all is well. I have enjoyed our correspondence over the last year, but I’m going to have to change things up. A bunch of new business has come into the firm, and I’m going to have to be on the accounts. Joanne Drysdale, who is my right-hand person, will be taking over your account, and she’ll be the one sending and receiving emails. I appreciate your business and friendship and look forward to continuing to work together. All the Best, Larry.’’

Larry didn’t get an immediate response; in fact, two days passed before he received an email that read Confidential in the subject line. ‘’Dear Larry, I thought we had developed a special trust between us. Handing me off to another person at your firm feels like a complete betrayal. I thought we were getting very close on a personal level as well as a professional one. You just discarding me, hurts. I therefore have no choice but to give the following ultimatum. If you don’t continue to communicate with me, I will be forced to take my business away from your firm. I hate to do it, but I thought we had more than a business thing happening. In fact, I often thought about us being together in person at the next major Honey production conference. It would’ve been great on many levels. If you decide you no longer have time for me, then I will move on. Best, Lisa.’’

That night when Larry got home from the office, he sat with Michelle in the living room. He poured them each a glass of Chardonnay. He then read her Lisa’s note. She looked at her husband, ‘’I knew it, she was falling for you. I can’t believe you didn’t see it. I’m grateful you sent her the note you did, and now stop being such a dumb ass. Be kind, cool, courteous and professional and keep stuff like you were drinking Land Shark on the beach in Florida to yourself.’’ Larry nodded, ‘’I can’t believe anybody wanted to have an affair with me, I don’t want to have an affair with me. You’re the most important person in the world to me, and I would never do anything to hurt you. I’m sorry Honey, I love you.’’ Michelle looked at him, reached over and gave him a passionate kiss. When she pulled her head back she had a big smiled on her face. ‘’Larry, do me a favour, call me anything, but let’s scratch Honey from the list.’’

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This post was previously published on medium.com.