Men, What’s Your ‘What’?

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What’s Your What? Your What is your gift to the world.

What are you here for?
What do you stand for?
What inspires your heart?

Your What is your Masculine Purpose and Legacy. Before ANY relationship.

This particular discovery changed my life and stopped me repeating the same pattern that destroyed my romantic relationships.

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A Game-Changer

This understanding changed my life and realigned my focus. Up until that time I had always thought putting my woman first in my life was the highest respect, the only way to truly love my partner.

Before I learned this, I thought that my relationship must come before everything else. I would put her first, on a pedestal even, to prove I love her, to make her feel special, and to prove to myself that I was committed. She would feel loved because I would prove I love her, and because I put here first, she would love me.

That was my logic.

And it worked. For perhaps three months, even six months, if I was lucky.

However, this path always ended in a breakup. And once again, I would be single. After a long string of failed relationships, I got a clue. Actually, it was more of a metaphorical whack upside the head! Subtlety wasn’t going to work for my stubborn brain.

My soon-to-be-ex-girlfriend told me that I was off-track in my role as the man in our relationship. Well, something like that. I wish I had heard her say it this way: “ Do you know why you are here? Do you know what your mission is? What your purpose is?” Or even this way: “Why are you not the man who’s presence I can trust and I feel safe with?” It would have made things a lot clearer for me!

What she said came across a little differently: “Why are you such a wimp? You are not the man I thought you were, I thought you were strong and manly; why don’t you stand your ground?” Even though I didn’t hear what I wanted (constructively), I am truly grateful to her because her words stirred the seeker in me.

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I began my search for understanding, for what I didn’t know. It was my quest for a key piece that was missing from my education and has since become pivotal in my life and for my work in the world. I didn’t have a term for it at the time or a way to describe it. However, I knew I was missing something important—fundamental in fact—to really understand how authentic relationships work best. What I came to learn are the profound and sexy differences between men and women, the polarity of masculine and feminine, and all the goodies that go with it!

Immersed in my research of the masculine and feminine polarity, one of the most vital aspects I learned was what defines a man in his masculine. This powerful gift came from one of my favorite teachers in this area, David Deida. In his book “The Way Of The Superior Man,” chapter 7 speaks directly to this – “A man’s purpose must come before his relationship.”

His purpose — and his focus on what that delivers into the world — becomes his legacy, which is what comes before his romantic relationship. That makes him a masculine man.

It was a massive wake-up call for me. I looked back and saw how not knowing, how putting her first was actually a mistake and caused the failure of several of my past relationships. When I learned that this was all tied to my purpose and what I am up to in the world, it changed my life. It was a challenging lesson for me, to put my purpose before any relationship.

Up until that awakening, I had worked in eight different careers. Since then, I have owned up to and stepped into my true calling. I know from personal experience the difference between a job and true purpose and the price and pain that is paid denying one’s true calling.

My journey since has clarified for me what is important and how powerfully my purpose and legacy is fueling my life, my passion, and my work.

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Your romantic relationship is not first or second.

In the past ten years since that discovery, I have also grown to learn, for myself, that relationship actually comes third.

I’ve come to my own understanding that my purpose is second. Still ahead of relationship, however, what comes first is our relationship to Spirit, God, Universe. This is first and foremost, with our purpose/mission second, and our romantic relationship third.

That may sound like your romantic relationship is at the bottom. Not so.

This “resequencing” allows your romantic relationship to be fully expressed, taking the pressure off the relationship to be everything else. This may not sound romantic, however, it is the healthiest way. I know from past experience how messed up relationships can be when I made it first before everything else.

This paradigm shift actually makes this a lot easier and healthier for everyone concerned!

Advanced students will learn that your purpose is not a fixed place, it is an evolving journey and the best ride of your life!

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Also by author Barry Selby here on The Good Men Project:

How to Attract a Perfect Match Even if You Feel Imperfect

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This post is republished on Medium.

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