You Get What You Want When You Don’t Need It Anymore

What does it mean to want something? It means that you lack something and you have the desire for that thing. For example, I could be hungry and so I want some food to eat. If I don’t eat, my body will be in pain.

Is it the same for emotional desires? Yes, that seems to be the case. Because when you feel disconnected to others or that you’re not doing worthwhile work or that some other emotional desire isn’t being met, you feel pain too. And if you don’t do something about it the pain is only going to continue.

Just like when your body is telling you it needs nourishment, your emotional body tells you that it needs nourishment.

However, I could be hungry and want food but suffer because I don’t think there’s any food in the house. Obviously, it would make sense to check and not stress myself out. But in this scenario, I didn’t and stressed myself out for no reason despite the fact that I could’ve gotten my needs met.

This is what I believe humans tend to experience when faced with emotional desires. There is a way to get our needs met, but we look around and don’t see the means to get them met.

The truth may be that they can be met, but either because our environment blocks us from it, people around us are incapable of giving it or we are not a psychological match to obtaining it, we fail to meet our need and we suffer.

Despite what some folks in spirituality will have you believe, there are times where desires cannot be met. If you were raised with narcissistic parents, how are you going to get the emotional need of love met? Even if there were people who could give you the love that they can’t, because you’re a product of that environment, it is unlikely that you will be able to get yourself into a better situation.

But why is that? It’s because people are a product of their environment. And while it is true that people are certainly more than just their environment, we cannot discount the immense role of socialization that environment plays.

It explains why people stay in their socio-economic status throughout their lives. It explains why lottery winners eventually return to how they lived before the money. It explains why people who fall into financial ruin eventually rise again.

It explains why one’s partner has traits that resemble the traits of one’s parents and caregivers. It explains how one’s friends tend to value the same things and think the same way.

It explains why despite one’s attempts to change certain aspects of one’s life, things don’t change or they don’t change for long. One’s formative years are often the blueprint for how one will continue to live.

And yet, we’ve seen the lives of others change for the better or we’ve had the pleasure of experiencing it ourselves. Sometimes the change comes after hard work or persistent and incremental work. But sometimes things change when you stopped caring about getting a specific result.

Or perhaps what’s more accurate to say is that you get what you wanted when you cared less and when the desire wasn’t as urgent and imperative.

Why is this the case? And is it possible to utilize this as a means to change aspects of our lives?

While I can’t honestly tell you the underlying metaphysics of reality and how things come to be, I can share what happened in my life that helps to explain why this is. I’ve written about this before but I’ll share it again here.

When I was a child, I was cared for pretty well by my parents. Until I wasn’t anymore. I felt a decrease in love and then a lack of it. My parents focused on themselves so much more. They wanted me to be a particular person and I couldn’t be everything they wanted. When my sister was born that didn’t help matters at all.

As a result, I went on a wild goose chase for this love that I had lost.

Friendships were difficult to forge and then on the first day of third grade, I gave up trying to make friends. Of course, I made a friend that very day and made more friends that year. Contrast that with my earlier years, where I bounced from group to group and even had a frenemy.

But there was still that urge for love and as most of us do, I tried to find it in romance. This was even more difficult but the lesson was the same: when I stopped trying to get it, that’s when I got it.

Unfortunately, it was an inevitability for me to become like my parents and begin to focus on myself and what I wanted. It was an inevitability for me to be with women who did the same. It was an inevitability that the relationship would end. Then I’d have to learn the same lesson all over again.

The reality was that the lesson had yet to be learnt.

I had done enough for things to change on a surface level, but without the deeper understanding I could never maintain the change.

Remember, you get what you want when you don’t need it anymore. What I thought I wanted was relationships. That was only the surface. What I wanted was love and to be one with others. I wanted oneness.

It’s easy to love people when they’re doing what you want them to do. It’s easy for people to love you when you do what they value. But to love someone who is doing something that you don’t like and don’t value, that’s love. To oppose someone but still decide that they are a part of you is the epitome of love.

What I needed to do was to take others and their perceived vices and maintain oneness with them, instead of pushing and pulling them in accordance to how they acted.

I didn’t have to start with my parents or ex-girlfriends. I could start with literally anyone because literally everyone has some trait that others would see as “too much” or “not good enough.”

But once I decided to maintain oneness with those I despised, failed me, hurt me or I disagreed with, voila. The need for love was gone and I was suddenly aware of all the love I had.

As it turned out, I had no need to be hungry and suffer. Food was always in the house. I just needed to go get it.

Love was always present. I just needed to go and give it.

So why do you get what you want when you don’t need it anymore? It’s because you learnt that you are the source of it. If you believe that you have to go get it, you are under the illusion that you lack it. You have been led to believe that it only exists externally.

Is it possible to utilize this as a means to change aspects of our lives? Yes, as long as you are aware of what it is you really want. Getting to the root desire, the desire that gives rise to the surface desires, is what will help you to not only end the suffering but to realize that you are the source of what you were seeking.

If you’re having difficulty with getting to the root, look at the surface desire and ask yourself why you want that. For example, you may want a sports car. But when you ask yourself why, it may be a desire to be accepted or to see yourself as successful or because when you see yourself in the car, it’s with your friends and it’s really about having fun with them.

But my possible answers may not be your answer. You have to ask yourself.

Ultimately, we have to consider that while it may seem that our needs are met by things outside of ourselves, these external things respond to how we interact with these things and people outside of ourselves.

You may have a desire and you try to figure out a way to get that desire met. You may even succeed. And yet you’re not happy. This isn’t a unique story. If anything, it’s the story as old as time.

You got some sugar so you feel superficially full, but you have yet to taste the soul food. But with some self-exploration, you will be satiated.

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This post was previously published on Medium.

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