Excerpt from Delight in the Limelight: Overcome Your Fear of Being Seen and Realize Your Dreams by Linda Ugelow
It was day seventy-five of my daily live Periscopes. My finger hovered over the broadcast button as my heart pounded painfully in my chest. I pressed my lips firmly together and then froze. Wait a second! I thought. I’ve been in battle with my fear every day. Has it disappeared? No! I still felt like I would collapse of a heart attack. I hadn’t become the cool, confident live streamer I had hoped to be. What made me think that in twenty-five more broadcasts something would magically change?
And on this particular day, I saw the reality. I was showing up, getting better at livestreaming and building an audience, but the fear wasn’t going away.
“I hate how this feels,” I pouted. “What can I do to get rid of this?”
I ran through my personal resources. I reminded myself that I was a performer, a movement specialist (with a master’s degree, no less), and a mindset coach with years of personal development and experimentation. I might know a thing or two about this stuff. I sat myself down and asked (yes, I talk to myself like this), If someone came to you, Linda, about feeling nervous in front of the camera, what would you do to help them?
I listed my ideas on a clean sheet in my notebook. Where to start? A new idea popped up—a technique called Focusing that brings your attention into your body to discover information—for example: “Before I try to get rid of this fear, what is this fear even about? What does it feel like?”
I closed my eyes and leaned into my fear. What was it saying? That I’m going to be attacked, I thought. I doubted that this stemmed from an ancestral memory coded into my DNA, like fear of the saber-toothed tiger. So I looked back to my childhood. I had, in fact, been attacked on a number of occasions, typically by my two older sisters, who would charge at me, kick my shins, and call me stupid.
Here’s the real kicker, though (pun intended). My sisters attacked me whenever I got special attention from our mom—attention they craved but only I received, because I was the “good” girl and they were naughty.
“Why can’t you girls be like Linda?” Mom would ask them. That was their cue to attack me. After she left the room, of course.
I realized I didn’t feel safe in front of the camera, or speaking to an audience, because there was a part of me that remembered being the center of attention was dangerous. My sisters hated me for the attention I received and attacked me out of jealousy.
I resisted this conclusion at first. My sisters and I grew out of that stage long ago, and we’ve been great ever since. Yet somehow it rang true. I double-checked to see if I still felt that risk. I asked my body, “Am I afraid that my sisters wouldn’t love me anymore if I were successful in my work, if I got too much attention?”
Yes, I’m still afraid of losing their love.
Somehow, even though it was long, the imprint of that time was still with me.
There’s probably a good reason why you fear the limelight. Fear doesn’t exist in a vacuum. It’s not a random emotion without a cause. If you don’t like people to look at you, most likely there was a time in your past when you learned it wasn’t safe. Maybe that came from what your parents said or did (or didn’t say or do), or your teachers or classmates, or something you were taught to believe. If you worry that you’ll be judged or hurt or rejected, you probably were judged, hurt, or rejected; or maybe you saw it happen to somebody else.
We don’t start out this way. Think of the toddler who pulls themselves up on their feet and takes their first tentative steps. If the people around delight in this accomplishment, the child is thrilled to be the cause of joy and undeterred in being wholly themselves.
We do our best to adapt, to follow the rules, to keep ourselves in the good graces of those bigger and more powerful around us. To fit in and be likable by our friends and peers. We do what we need to protect ourselves. We use the resources that we have at our disposal. That might mean to become quiet, or to retreat into our own world, to be a behind-the-scenes kind of person, or to freely express ourselves only with a small circle of friends, or alone in our room.
Over time, what we use to protect ourselves gradually becomes who we think we are—shy, self-conscious, inhibited, nervous that what happened before might happen again, even when we have no conscious memory of it.
You might think that all the circumstances from your past are long gone, that what happened then is no longer a big deal or doesn’t impact you. But every time you feel fear as you stand in front of the camera or a crowd, it’s because unbeknownst to you, you’re dragging around a conglomeration of memories and conclusions about what it takes to be safe. And because it’s so familiar, you maybe don’t notice that this rope is tied to your ankle and goes wherever you go.
This is why you freak out when someone pulls out their phone and says, “Let’s make a video,” or why you feel like you’re going to vomit before you walk out onstage. This is why you avoid making videos for your website even though you know a great video of you on there would increase your customers and influence. This is why you turn down opportunities for leadership positions. This is why when you do present, you tremble, even if nobody else can tell.
If you really want to get over your fear, don’t look at fear as something to get past without examination. Rather, open yourself to your innate curiosity about your most cherished topic—you! Take time to explore and unravel your life, your thoughts, and your feelings about how you present yourself to the world.
The process of self-discovery that developed from that one question—what does the fear want to say?—completely changed my experience of the camera lens. The lens no longer triggered fear; rather, it centered presence. It triggered a sense of calm focus, and joy. Can I say how freakin’ excited I was to be on the other side of fear?
I noticed a big shift when I performed with my women’s world music group, too. Although I already felt relaxed and open to dancing or singing, I used to dread if I had to introduce the next number. Now, I noticed a new response. I thought, Oh, good, it’s my turn to speak!
My confidence to apply for other opportunities opened up. I presented at the European Conference of Positive Psychology in France, co-directed and presented a video for Money Magazine in New York City, and was emcee for TEDxDebrecenUniversity in Hungary.
For fun, I began storytelling at local slams. Most significantly, I began to work with others to help them achieve this same comfort and ease that they desired when they stepped into the limelight.
Praise for Delight in the Limelight: https://lindaugelow.com/delight-in-the-limelight/
About Linda Ugelow:
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