It’s Friday night and I am laying on my couch, browsing through my phone. A text pops up from a friend: ‘’Want to meet for coffee tomorrow?’’ I pause, my finger on the send button. Am I willing to? What would happen if I tell them no, am I a bad friend? And just like that, I’m falling down the rabbit hole of friendship anxiety.
Why is it that a simple as a coffee invitation can lead to an existential crisis about the nature of friendship?
As I sit there, paralyzed by indecision.
The fact is that friendship is not as pure as we would like to see it. It is a delicate balance of expectations, of demands, of communication and its absence. And sometimes, unwittingly, we can offend our friends or, at least, step on their toes.
Therefore, let me take you through some of the ‘shallow’ aspects of friendship etiquette. Below are four common friendship etiquette that you (and I) probably violate without knowing it. Please do not misunderstand this as finger pointing or an effort to make anyone feel guilty. It is about recognizing such latent processes so we can promote more constructive and satisfying relationships.
…
1. The “I’m fine” Lie
We’ve all been there. A friend calls and says, “How are you?” We reply “I am fine” with a lot of enthusiasm in our voice even if things are not well with us. This harmless little white lie is actually a friendship ender.
Why? Because it puts up a facade between you and your friend, a facade of pretenses. It takes away their chance to help you when you are in need of their help most especially during a crisis.
Of course, true friends are the ones who would like to be with you in both happy and sad moments.
so whenever you feel like saying ‘I’m fine’ when people try to check in on you, do yourself a favor and be real. It might come as a shock to you that you have a stronger bond with your friend when you are willing to open up.
2. The One-Upper
For example, Just imagine. Your friend is happily narrating to you how he or she has been promoted in the recent past. Rather than just congratulating them, you are able to respond with: “That’s awesome, but you know I just got offered a position as the CEO at my company!”
Oops. You’ve just broken one of the cardinal rules of friendship: Do not be a one-upper, always remember that.
Even if one-upmanship is unintentional, the effect can be to make your friend feel that what they’ve achieved or gone through is not worth as much as what you have. It changes the subject from them to you which can be painful and annoying.
Do not engage in a struggle of who is right or wrong but try to listen to each other. Do not compare your friend’s achievements with his or her achievements. It means that both of you have the opportunity of expressing yourself.
3. The Chronic Canceler
We’re all busy, right? It is understandable that in life people get busy, and the plans that were initially made may be altered. However, if you are always postponing your plans with friends at the last moment. Then it could be that you are violating one of the most important friendship rules.
Chronic canceling sends a clear message: It means that your time is more important than your friend’s time. It is equally rude since it denies them the respect they deserve by having to wait for their turn.
If you are as overwhelmed as you claim to be, then don’t lie about it either. Do not plan for things that you cannot be able to achieve. And if you have to cancel, please do it as early as possible and if you can try your best to reschedule.
4. The Emotional Equality Enforcer
It’s 2 am I found myself staring at the screen of my phone, my finger ready to type the message. I have just written a long passionate message to a friend who is struggling at the moment. But something stops me. Am I overdoing it? Am I causing them to make their crisis about me?
This brings us to one of the most overlooked rules of friendship: Make sure that you and your partner are on the same emotional level.
Now, when I speak of ‘emotional equality’, what do I mean? It is the reciprocity in sharing of emotions and feelings. It’s understanding that in friendship, being there for each other does not entail bearing your friends burdens — or vice versa.
Think about it. We’ve all had that friend who likes to make every conversation a session where he or she complains about something without checking on the other person. On the other hand, we might be that person who constantly jumps in to solve other people’s problems while ignoring our own.
Each situation disrupts the equilibrium in a friendship. The first individual ends up being the giver while the second individual is always the receiver; this may cause a lot of strain on the friendship and may cause the friendship to worsen.
Do not forget that friendship is about support, not about draining yourself for other people. If we aim for emotional parity, then we build long-lasting and less toxic friendships for ourselves and for others.
…
In case you may like to read my Previosly published blogs:
How Do I Stop Obsessing Over Someone?
6 Silent Red Flags in Dating That Predict Future Heartbreak
5 Communication Hacks for Couples
…
I hope you enjoyed reading. This blog post comes from what I’ve learned, what I think, and what I believe.
Sign up for my Medium newsletter.
—
This post was previously published on medium.com.
***
Turn Your Dating Life into a WOW! with our new classes and live coaching
Click here for more info or to buy with special launch pricing!
***
From The Good Men Project on Medium
 |
 |
 |
 |
***
Join The Good Men Project as a Premium Member today.
All Premium Members get to view The Good Men Project with NO ADS.
A $50 annual membership gives you an all access pass. You can be a part of every call, group, class and community.
A $25 annual membership gives you access to one class, one Social Interest group and our online communities.
A $12 annual membership gives you access to our Friday calls with the publisher, our online community.
Register New Account
Need more info? A complete list of benefits is here.
—–
Photo credit: Bach Tran on Unsplash
