You May Need to Get Hurt One Last Time

When it comes to heartbreakers, there are executioners and torture artists.

The executioners aren’t playing around; they shoot to kill and they make sure they don’t miss. It’s all scorched earth with them, and when it’s over you know it’s over. While that is a brutal way for a relationship to end, it gives you the opportunity of a fresh start when you finally stop sobbing and get up off the bathroom floor.

But beware the torture artists. They no longer want you in a way that requires any effort, but they also don’t want you to completely disappear from their lives. They treat you poorly most of the time but display just enough humanity to convince you it might get better if you just try a little harder and wait a little longer. Worst of all, they suck up so much time and energy that you become terrified of walking away because then it will have all been wasted, and for what?

There is only one way to end the torture, and it’s going to have to come from you. And yes, I know that is supremely unfair when you are already in pain, exhausted, and depleted. But you need to do this final thing before you can rest and heal: Break the last piece of your heart that’s still attached to them.

When we care deeply for someone, we find ways to overlook behaviors and treatment we wouldn’t tolerate from other, less pivotal people in our lives. It’s amazing how many of our usual standards will disappear behind excuses like, “I’m sure she didn’t mean it,” or “I know he won’t do that again,” or “I’m overreacting.” To think otherwise would be to let in the possibility that we’re giving our love to someone who doesn’t deserve or appreciate it, and why would we want to acknowledge something awful like that?

So when someone is breaking our heart in stages rather than all at once, there remains a part of us that clings to the hope that they’ll change their mind, realize our value, treat us better, etc. That’s the part that needs to be severed.

How that looks will be different for everyone, but the underlying premise is this: figure out what values and traits are non-negotiable for you in a relationship, and examine the existing evidence. Perhaps it’s honesty. Okay then, if you’re being honest, has the other person been reliably up front with you recently, or have they been manipulating, gaslighting, or outright deceiving you? Perhaps the “must” is loyalty, or being considerate of your feelings, or emotional support, or respect — take a look at the items on your personal list and see if those needs are currently being met.

My guess is the answer will be no almost every time. If it was yes, you likely wouldn’t be in this painful partial-heartbreak situation. Once you recognize the uncrossable lines that have in fact been crossed, you can complete the break.

The process is brutal, I’m not going to lie. Whatever the nature of the relationship, this is someone you shared things with, prioritized, and loved in some way. You’re not going to want to cut that final tie holding you to them. But it’s the only way to see yourself free. And this person is not the one for you.

I’ve been through the death-by-a-thousand-cuts form of heartbreak — more than once — and each time there was a “last straw” incident that revealed the other person’s character and our incompatibility and finally served to clear my head. And that’s what I can promise you’ll find on the other side once your heartbreak is complete: clarity. You’ll still hurt for a while longer, most likely, but for the first time in a long time you’ll be able to see the path in front of you leading you out.

If you don’t want to take my word for it, listen to Taylor Swift, who knows a thing or two about heartbreak and what comes after:

Rain came pouring down
When I was drowning, that’s when I could finally breathe
And by morning
Gone was any trace of you, I think I am finally clean

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This post was previously published on medium.com.

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