……..AND THAT’S OK
Most of us don’t actually live in the current moment. We’ve been conditioned by life, in relationship with others, to sometimes overthink and mistrust our senses.
Tantrum engaged children might cover their ears and “la-la-la” you, to block out your voice and hold onto their thoughts and feelings. Many adults continue this behavior which can turn into arguments within their marriages.
Reaching for my wallet and car keys when I am feeling quite satisfied with me and the way I look, I might not want to hear that my clothes are “not okay” to wear to church or the mall. A simple query, “Are you going to change before you leave?” can feel like a sucker punch.
From hundreds (thousands?) of such interactions, I have developed an automatic shut down response, intended to stop my wife from saying what she just said. Not possible, right? Why did I try to stop what already happened?
Short answer: I didn’t know what my wife was thinking. Turns out maybe I didn’t know what I was thinking either… something like “this is the enemy, she is dangerous and attacking, I am now engaged in full defense mode…..raise voice, argue, do you copy?”
I can tell you this now after years and years of struggle. Tough going being married.
You probably don’t know what your partner is thinking. Do you really want to know what they are thinking in these contentious moments?
To find out requires understanding ourselves. To understand the world, is to understand ourselves. This level of introspection includes analyzing our thoughts and feelings, not just those of others.
A simple formula for finding out what I am thinking is this:
- Trust in the process
- close my eyes,
- breathe in slowly
- breathe out
- ask what she would like me to wear
- say “thank you”
Typically my wife has said, “Wear what you want, just wear a shirt that doesn’t smell like gasoline and those pants have a rip in the seat”.
Who knew? Yep I had been pouring gasoline…..and sure enough, big old rip right there for anyone to see. OOOPS!
Seven decades of life have taught me “Okay, thank you” is appropriate when we are being helped, whether someone opens the door or makes a suggestion. With practice the learned anger-fire in my heart and belly have become quieter. The quiet is becoming stronger than the fear day by day.
“I’ve experienced a great many catastrophes in my life. Most of them never happened.” -Mark Twain
Republished with permission.
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This post was previously published on thefatherconnection.wordpress.com.
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From The Good Men Project on Medium
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Photo credit: Filippo Andolfatto on Unsplash
