You will be okay

A letter to anyone who doesn’t see a way through their heartbreak.

October 3, 2022 by Alaina Leave a Comment

You’re staring into infinite space, trying to grasp anything at all, floating into the future not knowing who you are, fading away and connected to no one and nothing. Am I really here? Do I exist? The answer was always yes, before him, during and after, and you will be okay.

He didn’t call, he didn’t text. It’s definitely over.

The moments between scrolling and eating, double-tapping and sleeping, all feel like reflexive nonsense. The only thing you are waiting for is for that one name to pop up on the screen to say:

But that isn’t going to happen. Not today, not tomorrow, not ever. So you try to break the cycle, call a friend, do literally anything besides sit and wait for the message that isn’t going to come. It all feels forced, contrived, painfully boring and so clearly manicured to “help you move on” even though you don’t want to. But you should. You have to.

Those cycle-breaking chess moves slowly become what it means to live life without him. And living life without him is something so sad; not because you want to hold on, but because he was a symbol that you existed at all. That you mattered. That you were really here. He was a prism that your life was reflected through, flashing perfect little rainbows back to you and all over the walls of your tiny bedroom.

Without him, every step forward feels unsteady, and you feel like a fraud, like you’re standing in an astronaut suit, trying to join the ranks of decorated scientists on their way to the moon. Everyone else seems to understand this world, but you feel like a knock-off, a counterfeit human, a sham.

And now you’re staring into infinite space, trying to grasp anything at all, floating into the future not knowing who you are, fading away and connected to no one and nothing. Am I really here? Do I exist? The answer was always yes, before him, during and after, and you will be okay.

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This post was previously published on medium.com.

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Photo credit: iStockPhoto.com

About Alaina

alaina latona the person is a comedian and writer based in nyc. alaina latona is also joule seventeen, a producer, director, musician/composer, audio engineer, videographer, and photographer.

as a comedian, alaina studied and performed with the second city, upright citizens brigade, groundlings, squirrel comedy theatre, and magnet theater. alaina hosted a comedy/variety show at the mercury lounge between 2021-2022, founded the ungodliest satirical comedy news platform, has performed on shows such as characters welcome and must love dogs and comedy, as well as with various improv groups. you can find her performing regularly around nyc.

as a writer, in 2021 alaina released her first book of poetry titled you are a giant peice of the universe melting inside me, a collection of words pulled from her extensive body of work from 2013-2021. alaina is also on medium.

as joule seventeen the musician, alaina studied audio engineering and classical flute at appalachian state university, where she was also proudly a member of the snareline for the marching mountaineers drumline from 2008-2009 (go neers). alaina has released multiple singles and ep’s as joule seventeen, all available on spotify and as original scores in her short films available on youtube and jouleseventeen.com.

as joule seventeen the visual artist, alaina has been shooting photo and video professionally since 2013, perfecting her photography, and fully producing and scoring her own short films.

in 2014, alaina founded the art/photography/music publication perjus magazine. you can learn more about perjus on perjus.com or via the perjus press kit available here. alaina is the sole founder, creative director, publisher, designer, everything-er of perjus magazine.

alaina is incredibly online, and has been designing her own websites, exploring animation/graphic design, and just generally playing with digital art since 2003. in her time traversing the worldwide web, she has learned numerous random skills and made plenty of friends. during the early years of the pandemic, alaina taught herself to make filters for social media as a way to connect with people all over the world to make them laugh. as of september 2022, she has reached over 15 million impressions (and counting) across her tiktok and instagram filters.

Follow me on Medium:
medium.com/@alainalatona