Your Dismissive Avoidant Partner Will Open Up if You Use These Tricks

I might have used a little clickbait by offering you a set of “tricks” that will work on your dismissive partner.

While I will give you some great tips, I don’t want you to think I’m about to equip you with an arsenal of weapons to manipulate your partner.

These tricks are logical behaviors and responses you can use to engage your partner and move them toward a space of comfortability.

Similar to the other non-secure attachment styles, the truth is pretty simple. Once someone is comfortable and safe, they can release and build trust.

I have written over 200 articles on the topic, which boils down to someone successfully learning new behaviors, learning to communicate, and, most importantly, knowing how to stay patient.

Working with someone with a dismissive-avoidant attachment style comes with some important lessons and points of emphasis.

Before we start, I want to begin with the first step to master before you go through this process.

As patient as your partner has to become is equal to the amount of patience you must have. We want to snap our fingers and change people, but you are working with someone who has to undo decades of damage.

These “tricks” are not a get-out-of-jail-free card for your partner. Remember, we are taking time and guiding them toward the light.

The approach

You don’t have to read another line of this article if you get the first trick wrong.

The first trick you have to use is embracing the lack of vulnerability and openness you see in your partner.

Let me explain.

Usually, if you want to see an increase in behavior from a partner, you can directly ask and most likely get a positive response.

To a dismissive avoidant, a direct request will make them feel the guilt and weight of what they failed to provide for you.

Before you freak out, I am not telling you to give your partner a pat on the back as a reward for being slow to open up.

The method to get them to open up is to recognize the times that they have instead of the deficiency.

When you approach an avoidant with an example of a time they did communicate well with you, they will see an avenue to do it again.

When you approach them about their deficiencies, they will feel like they failed you and retreat into safety mode.

Safety for an avoidant is isolation and separation from perceived drama. That is what happens when an avoidant pulls away and shuts down.

When you approach the avoidant from the angle of building on a growth area, they won’t be as resistant and hesitant to trust you.

“I felt like our connection got stronger after you were able to talk about XYZ last week.”

Is better than

“XYZ is the only time you’ve ever opened up to me. It’s not enough.”

When you push, the avoidant will pull away, and vice versa.

I need directions

What would happen if we all wanted to get to the same destination from an identical starting location? Most likely, we would all have a different set of directions.

That setup is me telling you that a dismissive avoidant takes a different direction toward opening up and showing vulnerability.

Usually, when someone opens up, it sounds emotion-filled, and there is a long back story.

When a dismissive avoidant opens up, it’s generally the exact opposite. It is so short and quick that it can feel like it didn’t have any effect.

The trick you need to implement is guiding them toward the emotions so they can express them.

There is a two-step trick to guiding them in the direction you want them to go.

You have to be relatable. You are not stealing the spotlight if you relate your partner’s experience to an example of an event in your life.
Instead of asking about an emotion, place emotion into their story. “was that frustrating or hurtful?” will not get the same answer as “I can see how that would be frustrating and hurtful.”

It will feel like you are doing some hand-holding, but the avoidant isn’t used to being heard when they release. Someone who feels relatable breaks down the wall that the avoidant thinks exists between their words and their partner’s understanding.

The dealbreaker

The last point will only work if you give your partner time to grow out of the behavior and habit.

Being in a relationship or dynamic with a partner who needs alone time can be taxing.

It feels like they are asking for separation and distance from you, and working with you isn’t an option.

Avoidants need alone time to process and think through emotions.

The trick is to know the difference between isolation and alone time to process.

I won’t give your partner a free pass if they are distancing themselves from you to avoid communication, but if they are taking a step back to process emotions, find a middle ground that works for the couple.

Remember, this is not forever. It is a starting point.

Be open about the timeframe that acknowledges the need for communication while respecting processing time.

The trick is to momentarily accept “processing time,” but shorten the timeframe so it does not become a recurring theme.

Do you want some time to think, and we can revisit this tomorrow? cool

Do you want some time to think, and we can revisit this at the end of the day?

Take an hour, and we will revisit this.

Let’s take a quick five-minute break.

It is a marathon, but I promise it will turn into a sprint if you effectively use this method.

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Want to learn about the triggers of dismissive avoidants? Get a free guide here.

Do you want to reach out to me on Instagram for a coaching session (IG) Here or at [email protected]

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This post was previously published on medium.com.

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From The Good Men Project on Medium

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