Your Marriage Is Probably Doomed

Hollywood movies are full of terrible, toxic examples of relationships because conflict, miscommunication, and drama are great for selling movie tickets but awful as a model for real-life relationships.

Television and movie marriages showcase very few healthy examples, but are rife with all sorts of harmful patterns: People who despise each other until suddenly they hook up and are in love; Codependency; Weaponized incompetence (e.g., pretending to not know how to properly complete a task to get out of ever having to do that task, but never bothering to learn how to do the task); One or the other partner’s refusal to communicate and find out what’s actually happening inside the other person’s head, and instead just making assumptions and reacting to those assumptions; Lead characters who don’t want to be in a relationship with their best friend (who is totally in love with the lead and the lead knows this on some level) until the best friend falls in love with someone else, and suddenly the lead is faced with the prospect of losing that constant adoration so they make a big romantic gesture to win over the best friend; Boredom; Betrayal; People pretending interests and hobbies they don’t actually possess in order to win the heart of their affection.

With so many negative portrayals in the media, it’s no surprise we also see many unhealthy relationships in real life. Even when we vow to do it differently, it’s hard to break patterns that we see repeatedly modeled, especially if we don’t have healthier patterns as examples.

Perhaps because the divorce rate is nearly 50%, we tend to celebrate longevity for the sake of longevity. But time invested in a relationship does not automatically equal a happy marriage, with many couples staying together just for the assets or for the children (until the children are out of high school and the parent finally feels they can be honest about their marriage).

The time you’ve invested in your relationship is a sunk cost; it’s already behind you. If you were driving down a road and realized that you didn’t know your destination, didn’t like your destination, or were uncomfortable in the car and seat you’d been in, and you wanted to get out of the car, you would stop, evaluate, and maybe sell the car or reroute: You wouldn’t just say, “Well, I’ve been sitting in this seat that pokes into my back and driving in this wobbly, rickety car on this potholed road for 15 years already, so I might as well keep driving for the next 40 years.” There are no prizes for sticking with an unhappy or uncomfortable situation for the duration.

Time invested is at best, experience earned. It’s a learning tool, offering wisdom if we will take it. But it is not necessarily the impervious foundation with think. We can’t say our vows and cease to nurture the relationship, or love will fade.

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If you start to feel that you have given up too many parts of yourself to be with your partner, then one day you will end up looking for another person in order to reconnect with those lost parts.
— Esther Perel

Here are other ways we are ruining our relationships

We aren’t truthful with our partner in the beginning (posing as someone else or adopting someone else’s interests for the sake of landing the person we are after) rather than being authentically us. We pose on social media. We pretend to be more outdoorsy or handy or a better cook, or more into sports.

We treat people with contempt or we weaponize incompetence. (Don’t believe it? Just look at most tv ads for food or cleaning products about guys who make messes and shrug while their wives roll their eyes and clean up after them.)

We get complacent and lazy and think we no longer need to court their partner or be kind. We stop putting effort into the relationship. And while AT-tention + IN-tention = MAGIC, the reverse is also true: lack of intentional effort and lack of caring leads to love drying up and the relationship withering.

We give so much to the relationship (and our kids) that we lose sight of who we are. We feel itchy or wrong in our skin, or unsure of what would make us happy.

All is not lost! Here are a few simple ways to recharge your relationship:

Commit to being authentic with your partner. Share the hard truths with them, and be open to hearing theirs as well.

Show kindness and patience with your partner. Give them the benefit of the doubt. If you’re feeling cranky, give yourself some space apart to regroup.

Make dates with your partner and pretend you’re just meeting and you don’t already know (or think you know) everything about them. Ask what their biggest secret dream is right now, and listen intently.

o anything in the next year with their current budget as their only constraint… and ask them how that changes if budget isn’t a constraint.

Ask them what new hobby they wish they could try.

Ask what they wish for in a partner, and what they need out of their ideal relationship. Find out how you can do more to meet those needs if they’re acceptable to you.

Ask what they’re most proud of in their life, and what they’re most regretful of.

Ask them questions with open curiosity.

We all change over time, as do our needs and desires. These questions begin to reveal who your partner is now. It shows them that you have room for the current version of your partner and that the past version of them (from when you met) is not fixed. The curiosity that traipses alongside the questions reminds your partner that you love them and want to support how they have changed throughout your relationship. They help your partner feel seen and acknowledged. Most importantly, they give your partner a chance to share feelings they may have been stuffing in or suppressing.

Giving your partner transparency and authenticity, coupled with kindness and curiosity are the best gifts you can share. They are the antidote to boredom and hopelessness. They remind your partner that you care.

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This post was previously published on medium.com.

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