This is the choice every husband must make—his mother or his wife. I was thinking about that this week after watching Oprah’s interview with Prince Harry and his wife Meghan. In his case, it wasn’t a choice between his mother and Meghan but between his family and job and his wife and son. No matter which side you come down on (remember Dr. Phil’s adage that no matter how flat, there are two sides to every pancake), it was a heartbreaking and courageous decision.
Harry came to see his family business through the eyes of his wife. He was born into it and, like a fly trapped in a glass bottle, didn’t see its stranglehold. And it happens in every marriage. What happens in your family and with its members is your “normal”. And your wife’s experience with her family is hers. It takes an outsider to see it in an objective way. How you each handle the others’ perceptions will say a lot about your marriage’s chance to survive.
I had a particularly poisonous example with a client. Sam and his wife Jessica were struggling with his overbearing and malicious mother. She had already been allowed to destroy his first marriage and both of his brother’s. His brother-in-law had joined forces with Mom and together were vicious in their attacks on the wives.
The final straw came during a holiday visit to the family homestead. Sam and Jessica’s two young children were the recipients of disparaging and hateful remarks about their mother. Jessica swore that not only would she have nothing more to do with Sam’s family, but her children wouldn’t either. Sam agreed that Jessica was subjected to abusive behavior but was torn about cutting off his mother. After all, she was grandma to the kids. He was just as adamant that he wasn’t going to let Mom destroy this marriage.
After several discussions, Sam and Jessica agreed that Sam could continue to interact with his mother, but she would not. In addition, access to the children would be restricted to times Sam could be present and they would all leave the moment his mother made any negative comment about Jessica. And, that unless Sam’s mom really changed her behavior, there would be no more visits to Sam’s family home.
Now your situation may not be as bad as Sam and Jessica’s or Harry and Meghan’s, but I’d lay odds that there is some inter-family dynamic at play. While I hit the in-law jackpot, my husband had real difficulty with the way one of my sister’s treated me. One of his comments led to a family schism when I repeated it in a moment of anger with this sister. My family reacted like I had shot her. But her acerbic tongue had a well-deserved reputation. Luckily, my husband had my back.
The truth is, when you married your wife, your alliance shifted. You and your wife can have conversations about each of your perceptions of your respective families in private. You don’t have to fully agree with each other, but you do have to be open to the validity of their feelings. And in public, you must have each other’s back.
Your marriage depends on it.
If you have questions about how to choose your wife over your family, email me with your biggest challenge and I will respond to you personally.
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This post was previously published on Foundations Coaching and is republished on Medium.
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