Your Relationship Is Doomed and It’s Your Fault

Conflict in relationship tells the entire story of the relationship. It’s not the existence of conflict that is the problem and therefore the thing to avoid, nor is it the amount of conflict that matters. What matters it’s the ability to repair conflict and understand it at its core that allows a relationship life to flourish.

In a relationship repair is necessary because it’s the life of the relationship itself that matters. In other words, a relationship is the byproduct of two individuals who create a “We” or an “Us.” What that means is that the good the bad and the ugly of each of us is contributing to the relationship and cannot be ignored. It can be misunderstood and it can be hated but it cannot be ignored. When it becomes a me vs. you scenario the relationship is doomed. There are no winners and the relationship living on fault lines that are sure to quake.

If I offend you for whatever reason, I must account for that because accounting for your offense, accounts for the relationship, which I’m a part of. It’s not that I’m claiming responsibility for causing your pain, it’s that I’m acknowledging that’s something behind the trigger is sensitive and needs voice. So it’s not just to appease you that I acknowledge my triggering words or behavior and your response. It might not even be the case that I owe you an apology. However, what I owe you is the opportunity to be heard.

Offenses are rooted in wounds, which are protected by triggers and defensive parts. By validating somebody’s wounds in their offended state, I am able to not only see them in the moment, but bring some sort of healing to the wound itself, thereby making it less triggered. It’s not a behavioral effort that we need to put forth to not trigger somebody, though being sensitive is part of it, because in acknowledging my misinterpretation of you, I am learning to interpret you more correctly in the long run.

Essentially, what happens when a person is triggered is that an ego part comes out to defend and project blame on the trigger. When a person begins to express themselves in an ego part, it’s imperative that I give voice to that ego. By acknowledging it and the rationale that it is expressing, I begin to make that ego part feel safe. Simply reflecting back in mirroring a person has an major effect on what that ego part will share. What it will eventually share, if I’m able to not respond, offensively, is the emotional wound and felt sense vulnerability that it’s protecting. When that is revealed, I’ve essentially broken through the wall and have found the wounded part that I can acknowledge and empathize with.

Essentially the ego part that comes out to protect the vulnerable part has been speaking for it for many years. This part doesn’t have a voice. It is emotional and lives in the body. It takes relationship to heal these parts and my role in the conflict is to listen for that part to be revealed and when it is to acknowledge it and call it out of hiding there by giving it a voice of its own and the comfort it has sought for so long, but never been able to achieve. This is healing and most people are missing out on this in their relationships.

By helping my partner heal, I am also healing in the relationship that I’m experiencing, becomes one of love and vulnerability. It becomes a relationship of safety that allows me to securely encounter the world and thrive. Without developing the safety, we are doomed to destruction. We are doomed to stay in battle between ego parts. Ego is all about separateness, ego is not relational and actually wants nothing to do with relationship. It wants to control, it wants to win, it wants to be right and it wants to control the narrative. All of these features are anti-relationship.

There’s a oneness to a relationship that we are honoring by repairing. When we separate and make it a you vs. me situation, we are doomed to destruction, and we are showing that we are already starting in the wrong place. This is about we. We have to start with we. And if one of us is offended. There’s something wrong with we. And if we can’t work through that, then there may not be a we in the first place. Or in working through it, we may find it’s better to not have a we but at least we get reality. And that’s the best for both. But if there is repair, then there’s relationship and I can continue on with you.

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This post was previously published on medium.com.