Sometimes we subconsciously sabotage our relationships because we can’t correctly interpret our reality. Well, at least our relationship’s reality.
I’m sure you’ve been there before.
You might have been sure that someone was head over heels for you when in reality they just wanted to have some fun and walk away after a while.
You might have been sure that you had found the love of your life, only to realize later that it was just your hormones and enthusiasm speaking.
Or, maybe you once rushed to end a relationship with potential — just because you thought it had run its course — and to this day, you regret it.
Now, what follows is a breakdown of the three most common things we confuse in relationships, that might end up making us, our partner, or the relationship as a whole, suffer:
- Lust vs Love
- Boredom vs Comfort
- When passion declines vs when the relationship has run its course
Let’s analyze them, shall we?
. . .
#1. Lust vs Love
I know love and lust don’t always keep the same company. — Stephenie Meyer
You might not have much experience in relationships. You might have created a fantasy scenario in your head similar to that of your favorite romantic movie, or you might simply be entirely infatuated with your partner, and therefore, unable to think clearly.
Whatever the reason may be, sometimes, it can be difficult to tell the difference between lust and love. People tend to get so caught up in lust, that they start to believe it’s real, pure love. But we’re talking about two entirely different feelings.
When you mistake the two of them, you confuse something temporary and superficial, with something pure and powerful. You confuse attraction and sexual desire with personal ties and emotional connection.
As a result, you might jump to conclusions and make decisions with serious consequences you’ll later come to regret.
Friendly tip: Never, ever, make any major decisions (like moving in with your partner, turning down a job for the sake of closer to your SO, or even getting engaged) before you sit down and spend some time contemplating your feelings. Maybe ask yourself:
- Do I share the same values, mindset, and life goals with this person?
- How much of our shared time is dedicated to having sex vs having deep conversations and doing non-sexual activities?
- Am I aware of this person’s flaws and weaknesses?
- What do I see when I think of our future together?
. . .
#2. Boredom vs Comfort
He nudged her with his shoulder but didn’t say anything. They stayed like that for a while, enjoying the silence of being alone and enjoying each other’s presence. It was easy … and comfortable. — Kimberly Derting
Once you’ve been dating someone for a while and start noticing that the initial enthusiasm has faded away, and routine has kicked in, things can start to feel a little stale.
You might fall into the trap of second-guessing your relationship and wondering whether routine equals boredom. Naturally, you might start wondering if boredom is a red flag revealing that your partner isn’t the one for you.
However, you should keep in mind that boredom and comfort elicit very different feelings in a relationship.
For example:
- Being bored in a relationship equals feeling stuck, wanting something new and different whereas being comfortable doesn’t come with feeling trapped or a desire for change.
- Boredom comes with anxiety, a lot of questions, and a feeling of restlessness. Comfort means feeling calm and safe.
Feeling bored in a relationship is a problem. Feeling genuinely, completely comfortable with your partner is a gift. Don’t confuse those two.
Friendly tip: There are times in your relationship that you might feel bored. It’s something completely normal. But, when that feeling of boredom becomes constant, it means that action must be taken and a solution must be found. Don’t just leave things be!
. . .
#3. When Passion Declines vs When the Relationship Has Run Its Course
“Love is a choice you make everyday.”
― Gary Chapman
All relationships go through ups and downs. There are periods where the relationship feels more exciting and effortless and others where it feels mundane and complicated.
A relationship going through ups and downs isn’t a problem. It’s something normal, something you should expect. The real problem is when you mistake a decline in passion with the need for a breakup.
As social psychologist Theresa E. DiDonato explains in her article:
If your relationship starts feeling a bit repetitive, it doesn’t necessarily mean that it’s time for a breakup. It could mean that you’re at a different relationship stage: one with fewer butterflies and excitement and more comfort, and familiarity.
In therapist John Kim’s words:
Friendly tip: You shouldn’t forget that passion can be re-ignited in a relationship, as long as both you and your partner are willing to put in the effort required.
Once you discuss it, you can find some ways to get the spark back in your relationship (e.g. trying new things together, starting a new hobby, plan more dates, revisit the beginning of your relationship, etc.)
. . .
Final Note
For better, healthier, and less complicated relationships, you should learn to tell the difference between lust and love, boredom and comfort, and a decline in passion/excitement with the time to call it quits.
To sum up:
- Lust is a temporary and superficial feeling, linked to hormones, attraction, and sexual desire. Love is a long-lasting feeling, that needs time to develop and is linked to personal ties and emotional connection.
- Boredom, once it becomes a constant feeling in your relationship, is a problem that needs to be discussed with your partner. Genuine comfort, on the other hand, is a gift, something everyone dreams of finding in a relationship. The former comes with stress and a desire for change. The latter comes with a sense of calmness and safety.
- You can’t always feel passionate and excited in a relationship. A decline in these two things is normal and expected — it doesn’t mean you should end your relationship. Breakups usually happen when you’re mistreated, start developing feelings for other people, or are no longer a good match to your partner and vice versa — not because you stopped feeling butterflies.
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This post was previously published on Hello, Love.
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