Last night, I was getting dinner ready for my girls (5 and 2). They were both coloring on the couch. When dinner was ready, I put my five-year-old’s plate on the table. As she walked to the dinner table, I said we should let it cool for five minutes.
“Grrrrrrrrrrr!” A lion emerged.
She started punching and kicking the couch and followed it with a scream. At this point, I was presented with my two choices.
- Get her to comply by telling her to stop and come to the dinner table.
- Be calm and try and connect with her.
I chose option two and made a statement. “I can see you’re frustrated.”
Followed by a question. “You don’t like having to wait for your food to cool, huh?”
She responded. “No, but she keeps bothering me. I tried to leave, but now I can’t because my dinner has to cool.”
She starts to cry uncontrollably.
Oh! The only thing I saw was her getting pissed off for not coming to the dinner table.
💡Light-bulb Moment💡
She was feeling overwhelmed and didn’t know how to deal with it at the moment.
I kneel and ask, “Do you need a hug?”
She embraces me.
As she does, I assure her, “I can see how that would be frustrating. I would be frustrated too if I wanted to eat and couldn’t.”
I then said, “Let’s go check to see if your food has cooled down.”
We walk over and give it a taste. It’s still hot.
I suggest, “Want me to cut you a pepper to snack on while you wait for it to cool at the table?”
“Sure dad, thanks.”
In a matter of 5 minutes, the tantrum was done. All because I chose to connect instead of having her comply.
Afterward, we chatted about how she was feeling at that moment. We talked about being overwhelmed, and that next time, she can tell me she’s getting frustrated or overwhelmed. This way she doesn’t have to resort to punching, kicking, and screaming.
Trying to get your kids to comply with you during a tantrum will only make things worse.
Last year, I would have matched my five-year-old’s yelling and gotten in her face. I was obsessed with compliance instead of connecting and being the calm in her storm.
Being calm during a tantrum isn’t easy and takes practice.
When your child does tantrum they want to feel safe.
They are experiencing an emotional overload. So it’s important to:
- Be calm.
- Step back.
- Take a deep breath.
- Tell yourself, “I am capable. I got this!”
If your child is telling you to go away.
They’re NOT telling you to go away.
They’re telling these feelings they have to go away.
They don’t know what to do with these feelings they’re experiencing.
Once we connect and move through the tantrum, then we can teach.
I know. This is easier said than done, but being calm during a tantrum is a skill that needs to be practiced.
I was able to adequately deal with this tantrum because I put in the work, and I’m confident you can too!
Thanks for taking the time to read my article.
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Previously Published on medium
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