You’re Just Not Important to Me Anymore, Sorry

(Not Sorry)

Have you ever had someone who was your everything? A best friend, family member, or a partner/spouse? You did everything together, had your futures planned out, and then…

They’re nothing to you.

Maybe this was a gradual change, maybe it was like a bolt of lightning, sudden and harsh. Everything you were together is gone, the future you planned, doesn’t exist.

Four months out from marital abandonment, I have come to that conclusion about my (soon-to-be) ex-husband.

He is not important to me anymore, here’s how I realized that:

Signs of Detachment

His welfare. I don’t care about it like I used to. Whether or not he’s healthy, taking his meds, getting proper nutrition, or if he’s happy and relaxed—these things don’t take up my attention like they once did. And I used to spend an inordinate amount of my time concerned with them (probably too much for a healthy relationship). But now? Whatever. He’s a big boy, if he can’t take care of himself, that’s on him.
Our future together is dead, but mine is wide open and free. I thought this would scare/depress, but it doesn’t really. Sure, I’m nervous about getting into the workforce after a decade-long hiatus (who wouldn’t be?), but those plans and dreams we had together? The loss of them? Well, turns out they aren’t so much of a loss as I imagined. Another future is waiting.
Total loss of respect. When he abandoned me less than a week before Christmas with a text, I lost all respect for this man. Heck, when he tried to sell me on the idea of an open marriage three months before, I lost most of my respect for him. How can you care about someone you have no respect for? I can’t.
Fantasizing about my future. While I’m apprehensive about the future, I also find myself imagining what my future could be like now that it’s not dictated by another person. I could choose to live on the East Coast, or France, or Andalusia! I can pick out the home furnishings I like without considering anyone else’s opinion. If I want to make a carrot cake (my ex hated carrot cake), I can. I can choose where I want to go on vacation every time, no more treks through hell at Disneyworld, or disappointments in Germany. In short, I’m starting to realize just how much freedom I will gain.
I don’t think about him much. Okay, this one is complicated. I think about him because we are going through a divorce, and he’s been trying to hide assets and money. So in ways that pertain to the divorce and protecting my future, yes I do think about him.But in all the other ways that I used to, from wondering what he was doing during the workday to what he thinks when I ask him to help out around the house, I don’t. It surprises me how little I think about him in these ways. I don’t care what he’s doing, or who he’s with. I don’t torture myself imagining how he’s living his life now that I’m not a part of it.
I get the dog all to myself. This one might seem petty, or insignificant, but you have to understand, my dog and I are soulmates. We have the same likes (food, napping, going places in the car) and dislikes (exercise, time spent away from the couch, rude people). Now that my ex isn’t around it feels like we can be ourselves together. He isn’t around messing with our near-telepathic mojo.
I don’t miss the sex. My ex wasn’t a greedy lover. He was very intent that I enjoy myself, because according to him “it turned him on,” to see me turned on. Granted, this is self-serving, but I had it better than a lot of women. But after having only strawberry ice cream for over thirteen years, I’m looking forward to a new flavor if you get my meaning.

Detachment is Not Complete, but Advancing

After sixteen years, I don’t expect to feel totally detached after four months. But I am further on my journey than I thought I would be. I think it helps that I can see my ex for the horrible person he turned out to be given that he abandoned me, and in those four months has turned nasty just like most runaway husbands do. These four months have also given me the distance to see just how manipulative and controlling he was during our marriage. It’s hard to be attached to someone you can finally see for the toxic person they are.

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This post was previously published on medium.com.

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