Awkward conversation
Him: “I’m into sapio-sexuality… or rather, demi-sexuality.”
Me: “So, uh… I just like men.”
Also me: Yeah, I’m not googling that.
Then: I really should get serious about getting that toy poodle.
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It’s simple for me
Dating is not complicated for me. I don’t need labels to define me, what I am attracted to or what I want.
How did we get to a place where we use new words to describe normal things?
I understand “I take things slow”, or “I’m super attracted to intellect” or “I find high arches so sexy”. You know, things I don’t have to google.
Using a special word should require it to be a special and unique situation, like, “I’m a blopi-popi-sexual who can only get off on balloon animals, so I don’t think it’s going to work out between us.”
Those labels are a distraction from what matters most.
So let’s just stop that already.
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It comes down to one thing
I simply need a solid, good-hearted man and the natural course of events will likely transpire.
Either we have a natural connection of great chemistry — or we don’t.
And here’s what I know about chemistry.
It doesn’t care about labels, looks, age, height, color, body type and no, it doesn’t care about personality, preferences, religion, politics or beliefs either.
You know why we fall in love with people who we never expected to?
Because some chemistry is irresistible.
It’s that simple.
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Compatibility
Sadly, it doesn’t end with chemistry. We also have to determine compatibility.
Do we want the same things? Are we on the same page on the things most important to us? Can we accept the quirks and differences between us?
Lack of compatibility can be as simple as the person lives too far away. Or they have significant emotional issues that they won’t address. Or they don’t have their life together and aren’t doing anything to fix it.
And yes, for some people, religion, political stance and other criteria will be a dealbreaker on compatibility. But I’m oftentimes surprised at how those factors can be reconsidered under really strong chemistry.
So, not everything is a dealbreaker the way we might think.
On the other hand, sometimes we rule out a person too soon over something that is easily fixable.
Some “compatibility” issues are fixable things that are simply part of adjusting to a new person.
I once had a boyfriend who never told me he thought I was pretty or looked good despite me dressing up whenever I saw him. I had to dress well to keep up with him. He looked model perfect even in his jammies.
I quickly got insecure that he did not find me attractive or think I was dressing well enough. Turned out that it was a simple communication thing.
In his head, he was very attracted to me but was oblivious that he wasn’t vocalizing his thoughts.
Communication style is something we can learn and adjust.
However. Some things are — and should be — dealbreakers.
Asking someone to change their lifestyle, personality, or character is asking them to be someone they are not.
That’s where we have compatibility issues that can’t be overridden — even by amazing chemistry.
The sooner we accept that, the less painful it is for everyone.
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We need both
You will know very quickly if you have great chemistry with someone. Don’t waste someone’s time if you don’t feel that solid chemistry from the start. If you both sense that, start dating and vetting out the compatibility factor.
Chemistry is not enough. Compatibility is not enough.
We need both.
Everything else is a distraction or an excuse.
So keep it simple. And focus on what matters most.
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This post was previously published on medium.com.
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 White Fragility: Talking to White People About Racism |
 Escape the “Act Like a Man” Box |
 The Lack of Gentle Platonic Touch in Men’s Lives is a Killer |
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Photo credit: ian dooley on Unsplash
