You’re Not Crazy — You’re Being Gaslighted

Gaslighting is a term that’s been flowing around for some years. It wasn’t until recently I decided to dive into it. And my findings were startling.

If you’re reading this, you’re probably in search of answers as to why some things don’t add up. You may have questions like, am I losing my mind? Is it really me? Am I making things up?

If you’re questioning your own reasoning, signs are, you’re being gaslighted.

Gaslighting is when a person plants doubts in your mind making you question your sanity. When you’re being gaslighted, it’s hard to tell what’s true and what’s not. You question your feelings, what you think, and even, sometimes, what you saw. It becomes difficult to trust your interpretation of reality.

The effect of gaslighting is excruciating and depressing. To understand how it works, you must first understand how our sanity is tied to the correct perception of reality.

Understanding how we interact with reality.

As humans, we interact with reality in a unique manner. There is the objective reality that’s independent of the individual. There’s the subjective reality; which is in relation to your personal experience of reality.

But since life happens objectively, we tend to measure our perception of reality with the actual reality. We have to do so, for certainty. The only way we can live sanely is if only our perception of reality is accurate.

To explain this, let’s take the following example. Imagine a bowl of water on a table beaming out smoke. Your perception of that reality is obvious. You say to yourself; ‘that’s hot water.’

How did you come to this conclusion? Through your perception. You deduced that because there’s smoke coming out of the water, it’s a sign of hotness. To be sure and to be certain that your perception of that reality is correct, you go ahead and touch the water. In split seconds, you abruptly remove your hand and smiled. You’ve confirmed it. The water is unquestionably hot.

Now there’s peace in your mind, and your sanity is intact. You trust yourself for being able to accurately perceive reality. Because your perception aligned correctly with evidence and testing that evidence, it returned the exact result you predicted. That means you’re sane.

Why is Gaslighting so bad?

If you understand the simple explanation that our accurate interpretation of reality keeps us sane, then it’s time to see how gaslighting disrupts our sanity.

Gaslighting tells you that your perception of reality isn’t true. A tactic that’s meant to play with your mind, where you begin to question your own deductive ability — your reasoning and senses.

Imagine being in a relationship with someone who you perceive isn’t straight with you. They don’t seem honest. They act shady and disappear sometimes for no reason.

As you observe these behaviors, it begins to elicit insecurities in you. Something within you tells you they’re probably cheating or about to. You have no evidence, but their actions and behaviors say it all.

You might even catch a voice in the background during a phone call, and when you ask them about who was they were with, they flatly deny being with anyone. And they do it with so much conviction. Now you have to deal with believing if you actually heard a voice or it was just in your imagination.

Whenever you confront them about something they’re supposed to take responsibility for or be honest about, they deny it and make you feel you made it all up. You may go as far as reminding them of the time when they weren’t straight with you. Instead of owning up to it, they plainly deny it or turn the conversation on you making you feel it’s all down to your insecurities.

You begin to feel unsure about anything. And because there is no third party to collaborate your claims, you question your own senses — feelings and thoughts. In the end, they blame it on your insecurities. You’d have no reason but to keep quiet and maybe vow to pay closer attention next time.

The problem, however, with gaslighter is that they’re usually very intelligent. So no matter how much evidences you bring and try to be logical with them, they’ll always wiggle their way out and make you feel even more stupid.

If you’re already feeling like there’s a chance you’re being gaslighted, take a look at the signs below for better clarity.

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Signs that you’re being gaslighted.

The signs of gaslighting can be subtle. But if you pay close attention you can figure it out because there’s always a pattern to it.

But most people struggle in discerning these patterns because, often, emotions are involved. And when emotions get in the way, we’re bound to make mistakes. And in the case of gaslighting, we overlook certain things, because we want to believe the person we’re dating isn’t evil. So we explain their insidious behaviors away.

The following are a few signs that you’re being gaslighted.

If you’re regularly referred to as too sensitive.

Calling you too sensitive means they’re telling you that whatever it is you feel, (which they triggered, in the first place), isn’t right. And it’s an inappropriate response for whatever they did.

The moment they get you believing that you’re too sensitive, you start to lack the ability to respond to things that make you uncomfortable. It’s torture – both mental and emotional. You’re placed in a situation where you want to talk about it, at the same time you don’t want to be seen as insecure. It’s an exhausting place to be.

They use deflection to avoid taking responsibility.

Relationships often have both parties making mistakes. Sometimes we even find ourselves caught in situations where we’re tempted to tell a lie.

The problem with gaslighting isn’t the mistakes or the lie, but the fact that the gas-lighter never owns up to their wrong. They use deflection tactics to either turn it against you or to change the subject matter. You’ll begin to recognize a pattern in their behavior whenever you confront them with their wrongdoing: they never own up to it. They’ll either blame it on you or sleekly shift the issue to something synonymous.

Being scared to confront them.

As time goes on with a gaslighter, you’ll discover you feel uneasy confronting them. That’s because you’ve learned that every question asked, every confrontation, regardless of whatever approach you use, always ends up in some sort of quarrel.

Even though you know they’re wrong, you know you can never get them to see it. It’s a lost course all the time.

Every conversation feels like a tug of war. It drains the energy out of you. It leaves you feeling frustrated and fatigued.

Signs you’re dating a gaslighter

They’re dishonest… dishonesty is a sure sign of a potential gaslighter. They have no sense of dignity and integrity.

They lie (white lie, lie of omission, etc…)… Obviously, gaslighting is a terrible and elaborous form of lie. If you’ve caught your partner at different times where they lie to you, it’s a red flag.

They don’t have boundaries… gaslighters tend not to have a sense of boundary. And this is due to their dishonest nature. They’re dishonest not only to you but also to themselves.

They deflect responsibilities… does your partner find it difficult to take responsibility? It’s a very common trait of gaslighters.

They never see sense in your argument… especially when you’re trying to make them see the errors of their ways. They completely ignore any sense you make. Leaving you wondering if they really are that clueless or doing it on purpose.

They’re not loyal to a fault… at one point or the other knowing we ain’t perfect, you’ll find people being loyal to a fault. Saying things like, “Yeah… I messed up big time. I’ll fix it.” But for the gaslighter, this is something that rarely if ever it happens.

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Conclusion…

Dating a gaslighter can be hard. On one hand, you’re wondering if you’re dating a narcissist? The simple answer to that is, Yes! I’ll urge you to make further research on the subject of narcissism. Especially covert narcissists.

On the other hand, you’re questioning your own sanity. They put you in a position where you can’t trust your judgment.

Being with a gaslighter can cause serious mental and emotional disorders with periods of depression and anxiety. It’s a bitter place to find yourself.

While this is simply meant to give you an insight, however, if you feel you’re experiencing some or most of what I highlighted here, seek help and if possible, leave such a relationship.

No love or person is worth your mental health.

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This post was previously published on medium.com.

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