“When you look at the kinds of kids who are in trouble in terms of – you name it – drugs and alcohol, suicide, attention-deficit disorder and learning disabilities, the prevalence statistics are so skewed toward boys that it’s enough to knock you over.”
— Dan Kindlon, Raising Cain
The confusions that arise in young males as they try to reconcile the traditional masculine values of their fathers, for example, with a postfeminist culture that celebrates sensitivity and openness have created a ‘national crisis of boyhood.’ Stephen S. Hall, “The Troubled Life of Boys”, NY Times Magazine, Aug. 15, 1999.
Men and boys are hurting. If you want to get a detailed picture of how badly read Susan Faludi’s book STIFFED. For a quick snapshot of how boys in particular are hurting take a look at this:
- Boys comprise 71 percent of all school suspensions and are expelled at even higher rates.
- Boys drop out of school 4 times over girls, receiving more failing grades.
- Boys represent more than 70 percent of all students labeled as learning disabled.
- Boys annually receive approximately 3 million applications of corporal punishment at school.
- More than 3 million boys are being prescribed drugs like Ritalin and Prozac to control their behavior. Over 10% of ten year old boys are on Ritalin.
- Males are the majority of the homeless, HIV positives, physically abused, neglected and murdered children, alcoholics, drug addicts, and foster kids awaiting adoption.
- The U.S. today has more boys locked up in juvenile institutions, jails, prisons, and mental hospitals than any other nation on earth.
For a snapshot of the next demographic up – young men – take a look at this:
- Women express far more confidence than men in their prospects for higher education and beyond.
- Women exceed men in university enrollments and graduate in greater numbers.
- Women exceed men in literacy and verbalization skills and that gap is growing. Men still exceed women in science and math skills but that gap is shrinking, almost to parity.
- Women in their 20s are twice as likely to be hired for new jobs than their male counterparts.
- In 2008, single childless women between ages 22 and 30 were earning more than their male counterparts in most United States cities, with incomes that were 8% greater than males on average.
The composite portrait of boys and young men today is painful to behold. But men still earn more on average than women. In 2007 the national female-to-male earnings ratio was 77.5 %. But unlike older women, younger women are rapidly approaching pay equity with males. The big question of course is “What accounts for all this bad news about young men and boys?”
Some women and many feminists take the position that if it’s good for men it’s bad for women. It seems men are as ready and willing to play the Zero Sum game as women, ie., if it’s good for women it must be bad for men. I find this unfortunate. Both sides are mirroring back to each other parallel distortions and intolerances.
First, the fact that women are doing better than men doesn’t mean that women are to blame. They’re not thecause of men doing worse.
The point of social engineering is to create a level playing field, to move past historical cultural and institutional biases, partly in an effort to reduce personal and interpersonal biases, ultimately to create true egalitarianism – where all are afforded the same opportunities for advancement. So it’s great that women are doing well. But why aren’t men?
The conclusion that I draw from the data around boys in school, particularly related to their being punished, to their being prescribed drugs, to their being depressed, even suicidal, is that normal adolescent male behavior has become increasingly unacceptable in U.S. institutions, especially schools. Speaking as someone who knows what it’s like to have testosterone rampaging through his body I know what it’s like to need outlets for that energy, to need exercise, to need safe places to go crazy, to be wild. 15 minutes of recess a day were never enough for me. (And nowadays too few boys even get that.) I used to average a minimum of two hours of exercise, playing sports, a day. All through my teen years. How many boys have that opportunity today? How many after school programs are there for them? How many playgrounds are there that are not only safe but also provide balls for them to use? How many boys and girls clubs are there for them to go to dance, swim, shoot around, interact in? Teen clubs? How many kids are safe biking around their cities? Even their own neighborhoods? How many even have bicycles?
There are simply too few healthy opportunities left any more for boys to be boys. So what’s left? The unhealthy opportunities: violence, drug and alcohol abuse, teen pregnancy, STDs, petty crime… To bastardize a wonderful JFK quote (“Those who make peaceful revolution impossible will make violent revolution inevitable.”) I say “Those who make normal adolescent male behavior impossible will make pathological male adolescent behavior inevitable.”
Boys would benefit enormously from having more male teachers in the schools. Boys need to be around men to learn how to become men themselves. Men are also more likely to give allowances for boys’ wildness than women. But where are the men who are willing to be teachers? Where are the men willing to stand up and defend teen boys? I do believe that many schools today promote an overly feminized school culture. One that is geared to the way girls learn best – methods of learning that are too sedate, too “nice” for boys. Studies have shown that boys learn best when their bodies are engaged. When, at the very least, they can walk around the classroom rather than sit still at a desk all day. So women and feminism are to blame, right?
No. In the 1950s, long before feminism, the gender make-up of teachers and staff was not that different than it is today. And yet the cultural allowances for normal boy behavior in the 1950s were no worse than today, perhaps even better. PE, recess, and after school activities were viewed as essential for normal boys’ well-being. And for bad behavior, the biggest difference then to now was boys would most likely be paddled or spanked rather than drugged, suspended, or expelled. And to top it off teachers could meet with parents more easily and often because parents were less harried. So why this difference in today’s schools?
I think it has to do with control. Schools today, especially public schools, are far more about control than they were 50 years ago. In fact many schools seem to place a greater emphasis on control than on education. Supposedly it’s all done in the interest of safety for the students but I’m not so sure. Security guards, metal detectors, special laws targeting school zones… none of these things existed in schools even 30 years ago. There have been numerous commentators on this phenomenon, some suggesting that schools are starting to resemble prisons. Googling “schools are prisons” will turn up a lot of interesting and credible sources; for further expansion on this argument I refer you to them.
Schools are simply a microcosm of what’s happened to the society as a whole. The sad truth is our society is far more controlled today than perhaps it’s ever been. Airports are only the most obvious example. The NYPD keeps tabs on Muslims, the U.S. government murders U.S. citizens abroad and is more concerned about Wikileaks than the content of their policies, Occupy protestors are removed from public spaces rendering their right to free speech meaningless, non U.S. citizens are kidnapped and tortured by U.S. services at secret sites worldwide, taserings and pepper sprayings persist for peacefully demonstrating students… The truth is we live in a far more militarized society with far fewer civil liberties now than 30 years ago. This past Christmas President Obama signed a bill into law allowing the U.S. military to hold U.S. citizens in detention on American soil indefinitely without charges, rendering the writ of habeas corpus and much of our justice system invalid. Now, whose fault is this? Women and feminism? I don’t think so.
So why do men continue to do worse than women after high school? Why are there more women students in college now than men? Why do they express more confidence in succeeding than men? Is it because the new feminist world favors them? I don’t think so. I believe it’s because men aren’t being taught who they are, aren’t being successfully guided across the pond of adolescence to manhood complete with their sense of purpose in the world. It’s because nobody’s teaching them how to be men.
Many men are lost. They don’t know how to make a difference in the world because they don’t know what makes a difference to them. They don’t know how to find fulfillment because no one’s ever taught them what fulfillment looks like for them. They don’t know how to achieve success because they were never taught to define success for them. It’s especially painful to see when it’s younger men. A man with little sense of himself as a man is going to be far less confident than his female peers, far less motivated to get a job and start a career, far less productive when he does have work, far less interested in starting a family, far less able to perceive himself as an agent of change. He will be far more inclined to see himself as a victim, far more inclined to blame women and feminism (and illegal immigrants and “welfare cheaters” and environmentalists and, and, and…[fill in your favorite target group here]) for his feeling like a 2nd class citizen. He’ll be far more inclined to be swayed by the bigoted rantings of talk show hosts and the fear mongering of politicians.
But who’s really screwed him? Who’s betrayed him? Is it women who are rushing through the doors of opportunity now that they’re open to them? No. The people who’ve deserted him are men – his father, his uncles, his grandfathers, the men in his neighborhood and church and workplace and sports teams. The culture that has betrayed him is the dominant culture, not feminism, that same culture that tells him that happiness lies in consumption rather than true maturity and missions of service. That corrupt, stultifying, all pervasive ideology that says fulfillment comes in buying things rather than mentoring and being mentored, rather than interconnection with and service to fellow human beings – whether they’re at home, in the workplace, the neighborhood, the street, or the next seat on the airplane.
And what underlies that all-pervasive consumerist ideology that is driving the planet to ruin? Capitalism. That system that puts profit and greed before the well-being of all. How does it impact men and boys? Easy. It teaches men and boys that they have to compete with each other rather than cooperate. It teaches them they have to fit in and “toe the line” rather than discover what is uniquely great and wonderful about them. It teaches them that if they’re unhappy they only need more of something – more money, more women, more sex, more booze, more food, more cars, more status, more fame, more privilege.
I don’t know about you but I don’t recall ever feeling more motivated to live my mission when I’ve received more of any of the above. When I’ve made more money that certainly motivates me to make more money. When I’ve bedded more women, had more sex, gotten more famous, achieved more status yes, it’s usually motivated me to reach out for more of the same. But I certainly don’t confuse any of those things with joy, with fulfillment. In my experience that’s not where they come from. The deepest joy and fulfillment for me usually comes when I’m connected to my deep sense of purpose while being of tangible assistance to another(s).
In Buddhism we often talk about “hungry ghosts” – ghosts who eat and eat and eat but never get full, never sated. Our consumer society has created legions of hungry ghosts – people who consume, consume, consume but never feel full, never complete, never whole. How can you? When you’re measuring your self-worth by standards of accumulation, by things outside yourself, you’re always going to have less than someone else. You’ll never have enough so you’ll neverbe enough.
But what if you weren’t measuring the worth of your life by those things outside yourself? What if you didn’t care about how much money or sex or food or cars or TV or booze or status or fame you had? What if all that mattered to you were living life in accord with your deepest sense of purpose and defining success by doing right by other people? I know some men like that. Some really good men.
Men like Tom who every month pours free sweat lodges for all comers seeking healing. Men like Tim who combines his 12 step practice with Buddhist teachings and has become a Zen priest dedicated to helping those with addictions. Men like Mha Atma who treats all patients at his chiropractic clinic whether they can afford to pay or not. Men like James who flies across the country on his own dime every opportunity he gets to go into the maximum security wing at Folsom prison to bring love and healing to lifetime inmates. Men like Stan who runs a dojo in East Harlem to teach young men martial arts and meditation. Men like Ed who guides youngsters through vision quests whenever they show up on his doorstep. There are many, many more of these brilliant, inspiring men. Men who I’m proud to call my teachers, my leaders, my friends.
These men define success through the hearts they touch – the men and women they’re able to help to stay sober, quit crime, get healthy, feel connected and empowered, possess a reason to live, learn what contribution theythemselves might have to give to others. When you’re giving freely of your medicine to a world in dire need that’s success! When you’re touching 10, 100, 1,000, 10,000 people with your gifts that’s having an impact!
Being a giving man when the world tells you you’re a fool for not taking is big. Caring about generativity when the world tells you “look out for #1” is big. Living with integrity in a world of little integrity is big. Being a man of honor in a world copiously exhibiting dishonor is even bigger. Being a man who wants to see others flourish as much or more than he himself wants to succeed is huge. Do you know men like this? I hope so. They are the men pointing the way forward.
When men find their mission in service to others, and adopt a different set of values than what the culture offers, they will find joy and fulfillment. They will be successes. Then they, in turn, can offer themselves as mentors and role models to boys and younger men. Doing that will turn around the negative statistics for men and boys. Doing that will not only make happier, healthier men and boys, it will make for a happier, healthier planet. Not “Men’s Rights.” Not anti-affirmative action. Reversing 40 years of egalitarian social changes will not make men and boys any happier. Those statistics about their failures are not women’s fault. They’re ours, men’s. Do women and girls have a stake in the success of men and boys? Absolutely. Should they support men and boys coming together to teach each other how to be successful, how to be happy? Absolutely. But turning those statistics around for men and boys isn’t women’s responsibility, it’s ours.
The problem of uninitiated men in our culture carries import that reaches beyond the development of the individual man and affects the well-being of our culture as a whole. A healthy transition from a culture that has been dominated by the patriarchy to one which reflects a new integration of feminine with masculine values is dependent on the freeing of the masculine psyche from its adolescent-bound state. In this mission, women have no less stake than men, for the lesson to be learned in the new age is that the individuation of the one is dependent on the individuation of the other. Jerome S. Bernstein, “The Decline of Masculine Rites of Passage in our Culture: The Impact on Masculine Individuation.” Betwixt and Between.
—Photo Dan4th/Flickr
One last thing …. 40 years, women have had countless opportunities to change things for men/boys but it’s only getting worse …. NOW you’re ready? The damage is done.
Sorry I missed this string …. have things to do today but will be giving my 2 cents soon.
but for the moment, lottta women trying to solve the male problem …. Men know men but women aren’t interested in doing it the male way … it’s their way or no way.
Please, let’s don’t make the mistake of assuming that all boys require the same solution to their needs. Well, let me put it this way: Don’t take the “one size fits all” approach. Males (in other words, boys and men) make up roughly half of the human population. That means there’s going to be quite a few different ways that boys “find themselves.” Are rugged types the only ones who are heroes? There have been noted scientists, for example, who defied tyrants or dared to contradict socially accepted oppression of others. But in our country scientists are often labeled as… Read more »
I’m very disturbed at the trend of drugging children. There’s a lot of debate as to whether or not ADHD even exists, but yet so many kids are put on psychotropics. ADHD symptoms mimic the symptoms of having a high intelligence, so in essence, we’ve developed a system of drugging our best a and brightest. Men are more likely to have a high IQ, so i’m not surprised to see that it’s mostly boys on drugs. (Tread there’s a push to include daydreaming into adhd diagnosis, which would increase the amount of girls diagnosed.) Schools are very feminized places, and… Read more »
As an adult with ADD and once a child with ADHD, the medication helped me hugely. I think both mental therapy and medication (if needed) are each great ways to help with the condition, combined I find them to be very beneficial but I’d say this varies person to person. In Australia the medication seems to be more restricted from what I hear compared to the U.S.A. As an adult it’s actually very annoying to get the medication (due to it’s abuse potential) yet quite easy to get the various anti-depressants. The worst side-effects and problems I had were on… Read more »
I I don’t doubt meds help in some cases, but still, I think the condition is waaaaay overdiagnosed, especially when it comes to boys.
This article was interesting, right up to the “its all capitalism’s fault” bit. Capitalism is an easy demon to blame for everything and whose definition has been extended to mean “everything wrong with society.”
Take a look at a command economy society and you’ll find that things like corruption, greed, violence and politicians all exist in great number. Could it be that these things are human traits that have existed since time immemorial?
Yo, the problem is that capitalism encourages those traits. Nobody’s claiming that it invented them. When your economy, political system, social hierarchy, etc. rely entirely upon how much you consume, you can bet someone’s greed organ is going to get stroked.
Anyway, when are the MRA’s going to stop whining and let people talk about what manhood is really about, and the different manifestations (heh) masculinity can take? I think the author addressed some of their issues pretty succinctly, so yes, going on with the same tired MRA bingo talking points sounds a lot like aimless whining.
The main reason for men and boys hurting is the decline in the institution of marriage. Boys learn how to be men from the men in their family. The author states that men have deserted the boys and does not take into account that several men have been chased away from their family. Feminism has played a prominent role in this process. Present Western societies are becoming dysfunctional. So men and boys are falling behind, then let women take the lead. My advice to men is not to bother too much about the parasitic society or/and government and enjoy the… Read more »
Rappses, I agree a lot. It just seems like the problem (lack of marriage) is spreading to the general population instead of in more isolated communities. Marriage motivates men to work hard and be stable. Althnough much maligned there are very good reasons to get married.
Donna: “Most men I know don’t seem to want to talk about gender issues, and maybe that’s because sitting around and talking isn’t the best way for them to communicate.” Mainly because most of them feel society doesn’t listen to them, or want to listen to them in the first place. When male victims of female abuse speak out, they’re ridiculed, made fun of, even blamed for the abuse they suffered because there’s still the mindset that women can’t harm anyone and are incapable of criminal behaviour. Then their behaviour is excused by mental illness, oppression, etc. When men like… Read more »
Eagle34: You are right that it’s not considered socially acceptable for men to talk about being victimised by women. I agree wholeheartedly that this is wrong. Nobody has the right to invalidate your experience just because you’re a man and the perpetrator is a woman. Society is made up by both sexes, so it is not only women who make the assumption that women don’t do harm to others. Men contribute to the problem as much as women do. Younger men need to start seeing men that they look up to taking the abuse of men seriously, because it is… Read more »
A few of the male commenters have expressed disagreement with the final statement. (“But turning those statistics around for men and boys isn’t women’s responsibility, it’s ours.”) When feminists began demanding equal rights, it wasn’t with whole-hearted support from most men. It was not seen as the responsibility of men to deal with women’s issues. I agree that women should support genuine equality, and that there are some valid men’s rights points that we all need to deal with (like rights for fathers). But men really do need to lead young men and boys into manhood. As a woman, I… Read more »
Donna, that is a really good and nuanced take on this. Thanks.
That’s understandable Donna however the wording of responsibility implies women had no part to play which just isn’t true. We all have the responsibility of ensuring a safe, productive and decent society for our children to grow up in, both genders need to work together to ensure both genders are fine. All of this segregation of responsibility doesn’t help I find, yes we need men to lead the boys but it’s not like women have no place in helping. I think it’d be best to have men and women lead the boys, AND the girls.
Thanks Jim. Archy: I agree. Men and women are both responsible for the direction society takes, and for the effect it has on children. We’re all here together, so working together is the best option. My point is just that women can’t model a good man’s behaviour for a boy to emulate. I can list many good qualities that a man should have, but children (boys and girls) need to see a man model those qualities for it to have a real impact. Women should be supportive of scenarios where that good behaviour can be modeled, but can’t model it… Read more »
I can agree with that. However there seems to be a seemingly unconscious desire to always heap responsibility on men to the point where women are just absolved of responsibility for, well anything. Archy: I think it’d be best to have men and women lead the boys, AND the girls. Its going to be a hard time making Archy’s words here a reality when at every turn we are told that men/boys are responsible for helping everyone but when it comes to helping men/boys we are on our own. At the least its going to be difficult but all that… Read more »
I too have that resentment Danny, I sense that whole male bashing and heavy focus on male responsibility, especially for the problems of the world. I’ve questioned the validity of those who try assign blame so heavily to men without giving responsibility to women as well, as if women were just along for the ride and had zero part in how society is today. What really pisses me off is expecting men to help women which some gynocentric feminists seem to say, but male issues are to take a back seat and when female issues are fixed they will start… Read more »
Yeah.
Its like people saying that one way relationships are an issue but then their proposed solution is….a one way relationship.
Which it why you have some of the folks in this thread sweeping in with the “If MRAs would just quit whining…”attitude. Well maybe “If people would quit misrepresenting MRAs….” they wouldn’t have to spend so much time confronting all this blame that’s heaped upon themselves and men in general.
I’m not sure I agree, I think the lack of male voices in feminism made it one sided rather than the gender egalitarian movement it could have been.
Equality is everyone’s reponsibility. My skin colour has nothing to do with my desire to stamp out racism, my orientation has nothing to do with my support for gay marriage and my gender has nothing to do with my desire for equality.
I talk about gender issues very often but I find mostly women are offended when I don’t say what fairly radical feminism says men feel. I have a totally different experience of a lot of things as a male but it’s met with silence (shaming, in person) or attacks (hardline feminist rhetoric, on-line). It’s very polarized and I understand why men are silent about gender issues. And I’m not particularly anti-feminist, nor MRA about it, just saying what my life is like. It’s either lay down and be killed, or take up arms like the MRA’s. Like in all wars,… Read more »
Nevermind: I have certainly been offended by things men have said to me when I try to talk about the issues I read about on this website. I’ve also said some very offensive things as a result of not understanding the male perspective. I read a lot of bitter, woman-hating comments on this blog. Even though so many men here say that Feminists have ruined society for men, a lot of them don’t display any understanding of Feminist issues. The lack of understanding goes both ways, and it takes work to figure out how to talk about gender issues, and… Read more »
I would say that men are discussing manhood primarily with other men… which is as it should be. The alternative would be to let women define what a “good man” is–and we know how that approach turns out.
“But turning those statistics around for men and boys isn’t women’s responsibility, it’s ours.” Yes but only to the extent that we men have the capacity to make the necessary changes, to the extent how this sick situation came into being. Men are able to reverse the sick situation in the schools, which as the article points out, is at the core of the problem. Men can insist on Affirmative Action in hiring of teachers until there is gender parity and can insist on rigorous evaluation of teachers for gender bias , and insist on termination for teachers who are… Read more »
So women and feminism are to blame, right? No. Only when they actively argue against the fact that boys/men aren’t doing well or try to argue that its not a big deal or that helping them automatically means helping girls. When men find their mission in service to others, and adopt a different set of values than what the culture offers, they will find joy and fulfillment. They will be successes. Then they, in turn, can offer themselves as mentors and role models to boys and younger men. Doing that will turn around the negative statistics for men and boys.… Read more »
copyleft. When it comes to political protests, having a coherent message is what counts. OWS leaves a message of a juvenile tantrum because The Kids can’t get enough free stuff. And their image reflects that and crapping on cop cars and devastating small businesses in their area, and leaving fetid, stinking messes for others to clean up. If you leave a fetid, stinking mess for somebody else to clean up, you’re saying you have the right to screw up somebody else’s property and expect them to pay for cleaning up your mess. Since you’re so entitled you don’t have to… Read more »
OWS does have a coherent message… which you’re ignoring in favor of complaints about littering. You already decided they were spoiled and entitled children, so you decided to ignore what they were saying… even though the Wall Street plutocrats are screwing you just as much as they are the rest of us.
Don’t worry, the war on Wall Street will continue without your participation. And you’ll even benefit from it in the end although you’ve done nothing to deserve it–you spoiled, entitled wage slave, you.
Author: ““Not “Men’s Rights.” Not anti-affirmative action. Reversing 40 years of egalitarian social changes will not make men and boys any happier.” As stated earlier, those social changes were FAR from egalitarian. When you focus on helping only one part of the population at the exclusion of others, then turn around and claim it’s for the excluded’s benefit, then that’s going to create resentment and anger. I hear this argument all the time when the issue of boys and men needing help gets brought up. Suddenly, the supposed “Egalitarians” have conniptions by the dozen and scream that focusing attention on… Read more »
“Not “Men’s Rights.” Not anti-affirmative action. Reversing 40 years of egalitarian social changes will not make men and boys any happier. Those statistics about their failures are not women’s fault. They’re ours, men’s. Do women and girls have a stake in the success of men and boys? Absolutely. Should they support men and boys coming together to teach each other how to be successful, how to be happy? Absolutely. But turning those statistics around for men and boys isn’t women’s responsibility, it’s ours.” Yeah….no. It’s Society’s responsibility. Both men and women are at fault for the failings of both genders… Read more »
It gets overlooked that our modern society gives young men no reason to care what happens to it. Avoiding the grind and having fun is simply a natural adaptation to a system that seems to hate most of them. “Man up” correctly translates to them as, “Work yourself to death to make life easy for an over-weight ex-slut with no sense of obligation to anyone.”
Social conservatives are the most clueless ones out there.
Just want to say I found this a very interesting and thought provoking article. Not really much else to say considering I don’t disagree with you…but I just wanted to let you know you’re being heard. 🙂
Author: “The point of social engineering is to create a level playing field, to move past historical cultural and institutional biases, partly in an effort to reduce personal and interpersonal biases, ultimately to create true egalitarianism – where all are afforded the same opportunities for advancement. So it’s great that women are doing well. But why aren’t men?” Because the social engineering never created a level playing field, or moved past historical cultural and instutional biases, etc for both paradigms. Instead, it went in the direction of women’s issues only at the expense of men. Now women are starting to… Read more »
Bravo! This is the issue. The only issue.
There will be few comments, but do not be discouraged. Controversy breeds discussion. Brilliance precludes amendment. You have put your finger on the weakening pulse of masculinity. Our culture will either correct this looming cataclysm, or our culture will falter and finally stumble into obscurity.
>>> Standing ovation <<<
Oh, crap. Capitalism again.
As to Occupy, there’d be more sympathty for them if they didn’t leave fetid, stinking messes behind them for others to clean up.
Right… because when it comes to political protests, it’s neatness that counts.
Speaking of leaving fetid, stinking messes behind for others to clean up… how did you like those bailouts we had to do after Wall Street destroyed our economy and then gave each other big bonuses as a reward?
Personally I loved them. Can’t wait for more…who needs their tax money to go toward something useful like infrastructure anyway? Not me. 😉
I dunno, protest marches achieve the same end and ensure free speech without permenantly annexing public property.
Had to? Well personally i wouldn’t have given them a penny