Zek Evets tries to figure out why a man’s passionate speech seems to always be interpreted as yelling.
This is a problem which has lately begun to annoy the ever-loving kosher crap out of me. I’ll be talking to someone, always a woman, and we’ll disagree on something. She’ll state her points; I’ll state mine. But the infuriating thing is: as soon as I start raising my voice to be heard, change my intonation, or even show a smidgen of emotion, she will say, “stop yelling.”
It doesn’t matter if what I said was right. Doesn’t matter if it was true. Doesn’t even matter that she wasn’t listening so how could she tell I was yelling. All that matters is that I was yelling. I yelled, therefore I am wrong. And now I must be quiet.
It’s a tactic which has insidiously begun to worm its way into my every behavior. I don’t raise my voice in a crowded room. I consciously lower my volume, even amidst celebration or defeat. I overthink and overanalyze my tone constantly.
But here’s the thing. I never actually yell. Every time a woman has told me I was yelling—especially ex-girlfriends—I wasn’t. I was disagreeing. I was being honest. I was being… open. Either it was raising my voice to be heard over her shouting, changing my tone to meet a feeling of attack, or just showing my emotional investment in the conversation. Sure as ice melts, she’ll say, “stop yelling.”
Funny enough, someone telling me to stop yelling when I’m not yelling is EXACTLY the type of thing to make me want to yell. End result: a gotcha moment. I yelled once, post-provocation, thus I was yelling the whole time. Go figure.
But why does this keep happening? I have a theory. (We’re all theorists, so I’ve learned.) It’s because in our world, social niceties have been largely defined historically by women. From Ms. Manners to Ask Amy, women dominate the conversation on polite conversation between mixed gender groups.
And I think I’m on to something here, because I’ve never had this happen with a man. No guy has ever told me to stop yelling, especially when I never was in the first place. This isn’t to say it couldn’t happen to me, or doesn’t happen to other people. I hear women often get it from men to “stop screaming” or “stop screeching.” I’m just saying. Broad brush strokes here.
So why does the male voice elicit such strong reactions from women? Why is my voice heard as a yell, especially when it’s not? Are male voices scary? Or is it something about a man’s voice when he disagrees with you? Are we harsh sounding or something? Is it that our vocal chords and women’s ears are biologically predisposed to naturally conflict so that women hear us yelling when we’re not? I’ve got a million possibilities but it’s a bitch to find even one that makes sense.
I do wonder if it isn’t something else though. I wonder if it’s just another instance of men being unable to show emotion. Another instance of men being demonized as capable of random violence or instilling fear in others.
And it’s not just something that plays out among pale faces. I distinctly remember a musician friend of mine (yes, he’s Black and no, that doesn’t mean I’m not racist) who was talking to this open-mic host about sign-ups. She told him that even though he’d signed-up earlier than everyone, she wondered if she could move him to a different slot during the night — one where the crowd is vastly thinned out. He said no, and she kept pushing him, ad her voice kept going up. Eventually he said firmly, “no.” What’d she say? “Stop yelling at me.” His reply was perfect, “Stop projecting.”
Bam! Right there is my theory. It’s not that we’re yelling. It’s that others are projecting their own insecurities and fears onto our perfectly normal voice until the script is so twisted we’ve gone from aggrieved status to villain.
(Side-note: that incident was also the time I first learned the saying, “a White woman’s tears are worth more than a Black man’s life.” But I digress.)
Anyhoo, back to my point. Guys, if someone is telling you to stop yelling STOP. Take a breath. Think back. Were you yelling? No? Good. Then tell them to stop projecting. Tell them that you’re allowed to have a voice and that it doesn’t exist to make them feel comfortable. Tell them what I tell them now: this isn’t yelling. This is me trying to talk to you. Try listening.
I clicked on this because I’m trying to figure out why my partner is actually yelling at me… I have to say, I interpret anything over someone’s normal speaking voice as yelling. I believe that it’s the interpretation that’s causing issues here. I’ve found that my partner considers my normal speaking voice yelling, because I have a higher volume variation than his. Say, for example, that speech volumes are based on percentages. 0% is silent and 100% is the maximum volume of your normal speaking voice. Anything over 100% can be considered yelling/shouting/screaming. As with a lot of loud talkers,… Read more »
It’s because when it comes down to it…you were yelling the entire time. Therefore during that entire time she was a victim.
Victims don’t have to listen. Victims don’t have to be wrong.
This is happening everywhere, and it’s resulting in submissive men. If you find yourself being quite by her side, or trying not to upset ladies with your presence as a man, than you are part of the problem.
Seriously, this is your response? You make several unfounded conclusions in your response. I completely disagree with you. Just because she is accusing him of yelling DOES NOT mean he was “yelling the entire time”. Accusing someone of yelling when they are not is a very real thing to do, usually by people who have deep seeded emotional and intimacy issues (like a child of an alcoholic, a.k.a. ACoA). This is projection or it could be crazy making or turning the tables or gas lighting or emotional manipulation or a reason for the person accusing to keep repressed issues buried… Read more »
I wonder, then, what you’d suggest to those who have fear of someone raising their voice. The only thing that comes into my mind when it happens is “I need to make it quieter because I’m terrified.”
Also how is it emotionally damaging for someone to ask someone else to stop yelling, if it’s done politely and without interrupting the other person or yelling themselves? I’m just wondering about your interpretations, not doubting your reply or anything. It gives one a good amount to consider for these situations.
I have a completely different problem with my dad. He yells while he thinks he is speaking in a normal register. It is to the point I literally have to put my fingers in my ears like a kid so it won’t hurt as much when he talks, yet it is still loud. And before someone says tell him, I have, it seems like 100 times, after repeating yourself so many times, you just say eff it and plug your ears!
You certainly came to the right place
Why does the female voice elicit such strong reactions from men? You say you raise your voice to be heard over her shouting, i would put money on the hypothesis that she starts shouting to be heard over your yelling. The constant in all of these interactions that offend you so much is you.
It’s not projection when you raise your voice to be heard. It’s “yelling” it is not screaming but it’s “yelling” . If a woman did that to you It would be “yelling” and you would yell back. You want to be heard use kind words, pick your battles, don’t ever raise your voice to a woman like you are her father and she should not you like she is your mother. Yelling and screaming are two different things but yelling leads to screaming and then it gets worse. If you have to raise your voice to be heard it sounds… Read more »
Brilliant description, Projection! It happens all the time, at all levels. I didn’t know what it was called, but “Projection” works for me. Its a form of bullying, in this case emotional bullying, and men don’t like to admit this, that’s probably why this isn’t shared a million times. I admit that I was defeated many times by Projection. But I would say Projection is not restricted to women, its a human thing. Its what people do when they feel insecure. Its how relationships break, how wars are started. Its very stupid but it happens all the time. Its not… Read more »
This is the dumbest theory I’ve heard all day. I’m a woman who gets told she’s yelling when she thinks it’s emotion (I need fact googling that got me here) so you’re wrong to blame women as a group. But I’d still love to know why my (and your) feels are different from theirs
I have never been accused of yelling in an argument. If multiple people are asking you to stop yelling, you might have a problem.
Im a woman, my husband always accuse me of yelling. But, I don’t think it is. I just raise my voice a bit cause of the excitement. My theory is that I grew up with women who talks loudly. Also as the youngest, in order to be heard, one must speak up. My family never reprimanded me for it. On the flip side, I hate my husband’s tone of voice and word choices. It’s accusatory and reprimanding. He stops arguing with you, says you are right but makes you think you lost.
Don’t use the youngest excuse, as it is just that, an excuse. I am the youngest of three boys and never felt the need to scream to get my point across even when I did feel like nobody was listening, which anyone hardly ever did, I just didn’t and don’t yell when people don’t listen to me, I just give them the same treatment.
I have the same problem. What did you do about it? It has gotten so bad that everytime I start telling him a story or even try to reflect on the day I’ve had I get shut down because he wants me to stop yelling..how in the world can I be yelling while trying to tell him a funny story about work? It’s gotten to the point where I resent him because even if he does listen to what I’ve said, somehow it gets twisted up in his brain and to him it sounds like I’m yelling whatever I’m saying… Read more »
If women are doing this, they got it from kids. When you have a disagreement, try to explain why a kid shouldn’t be doing something, etc. the response is something like “You’re always yelling.” Tone of voice, volume, none of that matters.
The pont is to put you on the defensive since it’s impliicitly not nice to yell. You have to explain yourself, stop yelling and the original point disappears.
IMO, the best response would be, “Yes, and I”m going to continue yelling until I finish.” Don’t let the distraction distract you.
Shit, I know this was eons ago but your idea of the “best response” is selfish and atrocious. Consider for a moment that your partner has mentally suffered from previous abusive relationships. If you said that to her, it would likely send her into an attack. I know 100% that if my partner said that to me, I wouldn’t even be able to process my surroundings anymore. I would completely shut down out of incredible amounts of fear. Sounds great, huh? This whole issue is about kindness. The person who feels that the other is yelling should wait until that… Read more »
This has happened to me on many occasions, and I’m female. If I should happen to say something that’s disliked, a disagreement with what’s been said, a correction of a misinterpretation, a reiteration of a fact that’s being twisted or omitted, I get back: “Stop yelling”. (This alternates with, “That’s not what I asked you.” though I am certain when interrupted with this that I was, in fact, answering the question that was, in fact, asked of me.) Half the time I stop, and consider, and am convinced I wasn’t yelling at all. Yet I have to modulate my voice… Read more »
I have never been accused of yelling encouragement & or agreement…..
Me, man and boy, I’ve made a living in noisy environments- projection is second nature.
Oh and what makes it worse- I have a deep voice.
Even after all the comments and opinions about yelling, I think the most important thing to remember is that everyone involved wants, and should expect, to be respected. If someone’s raised voice is done in a way that they are being disrespectful, then it’s not right. If someone is upset and just blowing off some steam, determine if it’s a concern (continually happens) or if it’s a once in a while event. Loved ones are not perfect; some are passionate…even over-passionate…about different topics. It’s knowing who is standing in front of you that gives you the answer. In reply to… Read more »
So, upon reading comments from women on this and the ‘Gaslighting’ articles, I get the following message:
When a woman is upset and yelling, it is not okay for a man to tell her to calm down and stop overreacting because that would invalidate her feelings and make her uncomfortable.
When a man is upset and yelling, it is okay for a woman to tell him to calm down and stop overreacting because he isn’t being sensitive to her feelings and is making her uncomfortable.
Got it.
It’s called tone policing. It’s quite common – google it. Real friends will not tone police. If someone is tone policing you, simply point it out and tell them to stop.
Nobody ever taught me that men were just fcuking around when they got angry. I almost had my face redecorated once or twice as a kid when I turned my back on other boys’ angry words.
Hey, I have an idea Zek might approve of. David Brooks is saying boys need military values and boot camp ethos in the schools. How about if teachers had to learn to chew ass like drill instructors? If parents complain, send in R. Lee Ermey or somebody to tell them what pieces of sh!t they are.
@Zek
A funny one from many years back. I was taking my nephews out for a day trip and when we got in the car I looked at them and said, “who’s the boss”, they say “Uncle John”. I say it slightly firmer and they reply again “Uncle John”. I repeat myself one last time and they both scream out “Uncle John”. Good, now lets go have fun! A few weeks later Grandma is in the car and asking the boys, “Who is the boss here” when both of them yell out “Uncle John, he`s the boss`!
🙂 🙂
Well I tend to speak very quietly and people tell me to speak up a lot, so I don’t have that problem, however, I do get a lot of people telling me that I am angry when I am talking on-line when I am not. I suppose that’s much more subjective than the volume of a sound. Still I tend to take it at face value. I know my own emotional state but I tend to believe that they thought I was angry for some reason. I don’t know why this happens, and when it does happen I am not… Read more »
If so many numerous people have told you to stop yelling, maybe YOU ARE YELLING.
By the way, the definition of yelling is to “speak in a very loud voice”
so when you say… “as soon as I start raising my voice to be heard” to you doesn’t mean yelling even if the actual definition of yelling is what you yourself described.
Sounds like you’re in denial.
Just to say, that even social or casual “violence” is often misread. Women often use niceties to cover this up, hence the stereotypical nice girls who are really at each others’ throats – though the men never see this. So women may be reading the confrontation as conflict, when for the men it’s either just empty posturing, habitual posturing, or actually content-free declarations. Also, women are usually masters of most social situations, and read them better than men. But these particular male cues are often too subtle for women, because we all try to read the other person’s intention. The… Read more »
Thanks for this post, Zek. I need to borrow your “stop projecting” response. I’m often either told to “stop yelling” or asked in online conversations, “are you yelling at me?” when I am not yelling or angry, I’m simply expressing or trying to explain something that I feel strongly about. Even if I am angry, it is often directed elsewhere (at the subject I’m talking about) and the person I’m talking to assumes the anger is directly at them. Most of my angry outbursts when they do occur are only masking things like fear, confusion, or insecurity. In most cases,… Read more »
Thanks W.R.R.! I’m always glad when my articles evoke at least 1 person (or more) to respond and appreciate. I totally understand how difficult it is to be trying to express yourself — something we men are not typically allowed to do — and then have someone, anyone, trying to stop you from doing so because they’re projecting their own insecurities are prejudices onto your voice. I’ve often mentioned the corollary in regards to Black hair. Natural Black hair has often been stereotyped as ugly, or radical, etc., which are actually just projections that have nothing to do with the… Read more »
It could also be your body language…Isn’t that what 90% of communication is? Your stance, your look, your gestures could all make it seem like you are “yelling” when your speech is not… I noticed that after I started taking karate, other people were taken aback by me when I spoke…and I think it was small subtle things that changed (prior to karate I was having panic attacks)….I think I was imitating my karate instructor, who is big and overwhelming, like Brando as Stanley Kowalski….sometimes if I am away from class for a few weeks and come back to it,… Read more »
Wow. Awesome article. Two of my ex’s did this all the time. I can be an emotional person but I am also very aware of my reactions to things. So I am aware of when I’m not yelling and when I am. So as soon as one would say “you don’t have to yell”, that immediately lead me to raise my voice at which point I was beginning to yell. Come to think of it my mother said that alot as well. Hmmm, I’m sure there’s some Freudian thing going on there.
This sounds like the male counterpart to “gaslighting” when women are told to be overreacting? Wow, humans really mess with each other. 🙁
I think this issue may have less to do with how men are perceived by women, and more to do with how women perceive other people. Of course I can only speak for myself, but I often ask my boyfriend to “stop yelling” when he begins to emote a lot of anger or frustration, however, I would do the same if one of my female friends became angry as well. I, and it would seem a lot of females I know, have a hard time dealing with other peoples negative emotions, although we often boast a prominent understanding of our… Read more »
Yes, setting boundaries when you feel uncomfortable is perfectly appropriate. Well said.
But where the mistake often lies is when that boundary-setting is not followed up with and understanding of WHY the person was yelling in the first place. Was it anger, fear, insecurity, etc. that brought the two parties to this point? Often, it’s forgotten that someone raising his/her voice is just as wounded and hurt as the person on the brunt end.
So, basically, you’re not really telling him not to yell. You’re telling him that he has no right to be angry.
And you think that’s better?
Really, when someone is angry with you, you are always going to be uncomfortable – particularly if you know that you’ve done something wrong. Telling people that they have no right to show that emotion is an attempt to police their feelings – and to dodge accountability on your part. What is it about some women that makes them think they should never have to feel uncomfortable? That they should never have to deal with adult situations? I’m sorry, but dealing with the fall-out from your actions is an important part of being an adult. If you want to be… Read more »
In my opinion, relationships require understanding and an ability to truly listen. If I’m feeling threatened by the way my partner chooses to express himself, I’m not going to be able to really listen, am I? If I express to him that I’m feeling uncomfortable by asking him to lower his voice, then he has every right in the world to refuse, as he is a grown human being who makes his own decisions. However, that wouldn’t be very understanding of him. Sometimes discussions, even negative ones, become bogged down in the tedium of constant consideration. I feel that this… Read more »
“If I’m feeling threatened by the way my partner chooses to express himself, I’m not going to be able to really listen, am I?” You could if you were really committed to the relationship – that’s what men are expected to do with women, even abusive ones – or if you cared about what the other person was feeling as much as you care about your own feelings. But from what you have already said, it’s clear that that is not the case. It’s clear that you think your boyfriend’s job is to make you feel comfortable. For his sake… Read more »
I’m really sorry that you feel the need to be so judgemental. If you had read my comment as it was intended, it would be clear that it was not “HERE ARE MY SPECIFIC RELATIONSHIP BOUNDARIES”, but rather “Here are some examples of give and take everyone needs to make if they want to have an emotional discussion without any one getting unnecessarily hurt”. By saying that I’m not going to be able to listen properly, I”m not implying it’s a conscious choice being made. If I’m feeling at all threatened, I simply won’t be able to truly hear him… Read more »
You seem to have no problem assuming that other people’s expression of emotions are conscious – that they can control what they feel.
What’s good for the goose is good for the gander. You expect other people to control themselves, so better be willing to do it yourself.
The job of anybody in any relationship is to make their partner feel safe, comfortable and loved. If both parties are truly interested in the relationship, they’ll do their damnedest to make that happen. I’m sensitive to my fiancee’s issues with yelling, and I’ve asked her to give me room to express myself. Having somebody tell me they are uncomfortable or don’t feel safe is 100% better and more valid (thus effective) than saying “stop yelling” when that’s not actually the issue. I can see how this could be abused as well, but once again, each partner in a good… Read more »
What if the other person’s anger is unjustified or unreasonable? Or what if it is over something trivial? Why are you assuming that the recipient of the anger is necessarily in the wrong?
There are two things going on. Even if someone is wrong, you hear them out. that’s one possibility. It’s part of being an equal partner in a relationship, as opposed to being the fragile damsel who has to be coddled and made to feel a lady. The other possibility is as you suggest, that the expression of anger is just a manipulative control tactic.