I felt bad, so I ate three candy bars in one sitting.
Then I felt better.
Then the good feeling wore off, and I felt worse because my body felt run down
And my soul felt depressed.
And I was disappointed in myself for eating three candy bars in one sitting
And disrespecting my body.
It was good at the time, but I was over it.
And the thing I felt bad about was still there.
It didn’t care.
It just looked at me from the closet.
The next day I felt bad, so I drank eleven beers myself.
Then I felt better.
Then the good feeling wore off, and I felt worse because my body felt sick
And my soul felt depressed.
And I was disappointed in myself for drinking eleven beers
And getting sloppy drunk.
It was fun at the time, but I was over it.
And the thing I felt bad about was still there.
It didn’t care.
It just looked at me from the closet.
The next day I felt bad, so I watched football for eight hours straight.
Then I felt better.
Then the good feeling wore off, and I felt worse because my body felt ignored.
And my soul felt depressed.
And I was disappointed in myself for neglecting pretty much everything important
And wasting a whole day on something that doesn’t have any lasting benefit.
It was fun at the time, but I was over it.
And the thing I felt bad about was still there.
It didn’t care.
It just looked at me from the closet.
Now it was time to get serious.
“I’m going to church,” I said.
Then I felt better.
Because he told me things I could understand, and everything made sense to my mind.
Then the good feeling wore off, and I felt worse because… the good feeling wore off.
And my soul felt depressed.
I was proud of myself for trying…
But what the hell?
It felt good at the time, but I was over it.
And the thing I felt bad about was still there.
It didn’t care.
It just looked at me from the closet.
But I did see it blink.
The next day I went to India to seek a holy man.
Then I felt better
Because he told me things I couldn’t understand, and everything seemed so poetic.
Then the good feeling wore off, and I felt worse because now my mind was fully confused.
And my soul felt depressed.
And I beat myself up for all this meandering
And all the money squandered
And my life seemed crooked
And even my mind was lost, let alone my heart.
It felt good at the time, but I was over it.
And the thing I felt bad about was still there.
It didn’t care.
It just looked at me from the closet.
Its triumphant smile may have dropped just a hint.
But I was now thoroughly pissed.
And since I still had a week to go in India
I went back to that Holy man
And cried
And cussed
And yelled
But he just looked at me
With eyes like the Thing In My Closet
But wiser and far kinder
And told me
To go home
And learn to sit
And learn to breathe
And learn to quiet the mind that thinks it has to
Eat
Drink
Distract Itself
Be more “spiritual”
In order to stop seeing the Thing In The Closet
He said that I was the guru
And that he was nothing
And that I am always connected to Life
If I choose the moment and stop fighting it
And that connection to Life
Is all I am seeking.
“But that Thing is scary,” I told him.
“You are the guru,” is all he said.
And I was dismissed.
When I got home
I changed some things…
I learned to sit still
I learned to breathe in and out slowly
I learned to quiet the mind
I stopped eating, drinking and busying myself
To distraction
To keep me from looking at
The Thing In The Closet.
Over time, the Thing started to change.
It turned vaguely human.
It shrunk.
It turned into a child.
Eventually, I could see
That the child
Was me
That time
So long ago
That I had felt
Alone.
—
Photo: Getty Images