In Aikido Seminar, Hanshi taught technique for the attacker punching to the face. You don’t block the punch with your arm. You don’t defend. Hanshi said, “If you defend, you can be defeated.”
When the attacker punched, Hanshi moved straight in with yoko-iriminage (strike to the side of the head) to the attacker. He opened up his hips in profile. The attacker stopped or gets hit right in the face. You don’t defend. You make the attacker defend. That’s Aikido.
Hanshi cut forward with his other hand, over the attacker’s fist. He dropped his shoulders. He grabbed the attacker’s wrist with one hand. He extended his other arm under the attacker’s armpit. He extended both of his hands in front. He threw in ude-kimenage (arm extension throw). The attacker took the fall.
I practiced the technique with Ishibashi Sensei. I waited out his punch. I entered the attack. I applied ikkyo (wristlock) to myself and matched the punch with yoko-iriminage. I opened my hips in profile. I came over Sensei’s right fist with my right hand and grabbed his wrist. I dropped my shoulders. I threw Sensei in ude-kiminage with my feeling out. Sensei took the fall.
When I punched Sensei, he moved in striking to my face with yoko-iriminage first. He made me defend. I stopped and moved back so that I wouldn’t get hit in the face. Sensei came over my right fist with his right hand, and grabbed my wrist. He dropped his shoulders. He threw me in ude-kiminage with his feeling out. I took the fall.
When someone attacks, when I’m threatened and afraid, I don’t defend against the attack. I don’t cringe. I invite the attack. I enter the attack, enter what I fear. I make what I fear, defend.
I can’t make myself brave. At least, I know that I can’t. Still, I enter the attack, enter what I fear. I make them defend. I make my fear defend. I hold my position. I open up. I let go my fear inside that I’m not good enough, my fear that I can’t. I’m who I need to be, and do what needs to be done. That’s what brave is for me.
On The Dodo, a German Shepherd cowered hiding under a car. She whimpered. She was crying. It wasn’t so much that she was sad, she was so scared. She was terrified inside. She was the badly abused abandoned dog. I cried.
I know what it’s like to be that scared. When I was 8 years old, Dad scared the hell out of me. I was afraid to my soul. I wasn’t good enough for Dad. I never would be. I was scared like that cowering German Shepherd. I was so very sad, too.
Yes, the story in The Dodo, had the happy ending. The German Shepherd’s rescuers loved her, and she healed from her fear. She found kind adoptive owners. She has a happy life.
I healed myself, too. I enter what I fear, make my fear defend. I let go my fear inside that I’m not good enough over, and over, and over again. I love myself for who I am and forgive myself for who I’m not. I have nothing to do with what goes on inside someone else. I have a say in what goes on inside me. I work on myself, not on others. That’s all I can do. That’s all that we can do.
I’m a lot better at Aikido, than I am at dating women. That’s not surprising. I’m Godan (5th degree black belt) in Aikido. Maybe, I’m white belt in dating. I’m 5’3”. I’m not handsome. I’m not what women want. Women have dismissed or used me, because I’m not good enough for them. It all hurts. Maybe more than ude-kimenage. I fear that women think I’m not good enough for them. That hurts more.
When I see a woman, who I want to meet on Match Dotcom, I send her messages. “What are your favorite movies?” “Do you like sushi?” I ask even though, I’m still scared inside that she won’t like the way I look. Still afraid inside that she might think I’m not good enough for her. I let go my fear inside. I don’t defend. I take the glancing blows. I’m as authentic as I can be. I’m just me.
I know what it’s like to be so scared, to be terrified to my very soul. I know too, what it’s like to enter what I fear and let go my fear inside. I free myself. As Aikido Sensei, I try to pass that on to others. When I see students, who are afraid, I teach them to let go their fear inside. Because I know what it’s like to be them. I teach them to throw with their feeling out, throw from their one point, ki. It doesn’t matter how strong they are on the outside. What matters is how they are strong inside. That’s strength. That’s never defending. That’s being yourself. That’s always good enough.
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Photo by Tommy van Kessel on Unsplash
