After Sunday Aikido practice, Ishibashi Sensei and I discussed working on ourselves. That’s embodied in applying the Aikido technique to ourselves, not to the attacker. The attacker is irrelevant. We work on ourselves. We don’t work on others. As we work on ourselves, inventing our greater-than versions, we invite others to work on themselves, too.
In Director Destin Daniel Cretton’s Shang-Chi and the Legend of the Ten Rings, the Hero Shang-Chi, played by Simu Liu, asks his Auntie Jiang Nan, played by Michelle Yeoh, to show him how to defeat his evil Father Wenwu, played by Tony Leung. Jiang Nan tells her nephew, “Everything you need is already inside of you.” Maybe, looking within oneself is becoming more accessible in the cultural mainstream.
Perhaps everything I need is already inside of me. So, I look within. I work on myself from within. Aikido training is freedom, releasing my fear within. I continually release my fear within. The wise French Sensei said, “Enter the attack and die with honor.” I get under my fear, under the sword. That’s the safest place to be. I choose who I’m going to be. I stand tall. Just train.
Although I work on myself, I don’t train all by myself. My senseis contribute to my path. The late Mizukami Sensei, Ishibashi Sensei, my late mom, my therapist Lance, Cheryl Hunter, and others participate on the journey. Still, I put in the work. I grind it out. It’s not like I have to get somewhere. I have nothing to prove.
Progressing through the Aikido ranks, I didn’t really watch many Aikido videos nor read a lot of instructional Aikido books. I found little use in them. Yet, I read Mizukami’s favorite book, The Sword and the Mind by legendary swordsman Yagyu Munenori. Munenori implored the purposefulness in budo (martial arts). That transformed my Aikido training.
Mizukami Sensei embodied Yagyu Munenori’s philosophy in the Aikido that he taught to students like Ishibashi Sensei and me: Enter the attack. Take a glancing blow if you have to. It’s one time.
I followed Mizukami Sensei’s instruction. I just trained. I worked on myself. I looked within me.
Bruce Lee said, “All knowledge ultimately means self-knowledge.” Yeah, knowing a lot of shit means that you just know a lot of shit. That doesn’t make a profound difference in living life. Knowing oneself in looking within oneself, is the life-long transformational journey. O-Sensei’s true victory over oneself. Shakespeare said, “To thine own self be true.”
In looking within, I got how much that I hated on me. My voice inside said, “I’m not good enough.” Working with my therapist Lance, I got that was my Dad’s voice, which had become mine. Dad had gotten that voice from his Dad. The generational legacy of abusive parents.
I needed to lighten the fuck up. I took my baby steps. Cheryl Hunter said, “Be kind to others. Be kind to yourself.” I practiced kindness for myself. Taking my baby steps, I learned to love myself for who I am and forgive myself for who I’m not. I practiced that over, and over, and over, and over again. Kindness and forgiveness evolved as more natural. Almost like breathing. Almost.
Practicing kindness and forgiveness for myself, I got that I was okay. That I always have been. My late Mom said, “I’m proud of you.” The late Mizukami Sensei said, “You’re a better teacher than me.” Nothing but mad love and respect to Mom and Sensei. They always had my back. They still do. Everything I needed was always within me. I just had to look within. I just had to free me. Forgive me.
In Aikido training with Ishibashi Sensei, in daily meditation, in writing about acceptance and forgiveness, I look within me. I work on myself from within. I discover my measure of peace in being me. We all can do that, too. Just saying.
***
Support The Good Men Project on Patreon to help us build a better, more inclusive world for all.
***
Photo credit: Shutterstock
