Years ago, I worked with my chiropractor, spiritual mentor, the late Victor Shibata on the source of my cold hands.
Victor said, “You hold your breath.”
I asked, “What do you mean?”
Victor explained that I unconsciously stopped breathing, that I held my breath when I was afraid, when I feared inside. When I stopped breathing that constricted my blood vessels which made my hands go cold. That was a vasovagal response. That was very familiar. My late Mom experienced that, too.
I was scared a lot, frightened inside. Victor saw that. He knew that. He was aware of my childhood abuse and trauma with my Dad. My fear inside resonated since I was a little boy.
Then I got it. My Mom might have experienced her vasovagal responses from her fear of my Dad, her fear of her husband.
Victor said, “You gotta let go.”
Victor gave me profound advice, “You need to lighten the fuck up.” Ever since, I continue to lighten the fuck up. I continue to let go. I practice that everyday. Practice makes the unnatural natural.
The purpose of Aikido is to release my fear. The safest place to be is under the attack, in the danger. I wait out the attack. I invite the attack. Let it come to me. I enter the attack, enter what I fear. I hold my position. Make my timing. I apply the Aikido technique to myself, not to the attacker. O-Sensei Morihei Ueshiba said, “True victory is victory over oneself.” It’s me against me. I’m my greatest opponent, my greatest enemy.
Under the attack, in the danger, I open up. I let go my fear inside that I’m not good enough. Let go my fear of Dad when I was a little boy. Although my fear inside never completely disappears, every time I enter what I fear, I let go more and more of my fear. I free myself more and more. I exhale. I get to breathe.
When the late Mizukami Sensei and Ishibashi Sensei promoted me to Godan (5th degree black belt) that was my exhale. Mizukami Sensei and Ishibashi Sensei trained and taught me over the years. They got me to look inside myself, look within. I got that I was good enough. That I always was.
The voice inside me that said, “I’m not good enough.” was my Dad’s voice. His voice became mine over the years. I created my new voice, “I’m okay.” I could just be. Just be me. I exhaled.
Instead of looking outside for what you need, look inside yourself. Look within. That voice chirping, “I’m no good.” may not even be your voice at all. That voice is from the past. The past is the past. Lady MacBeth said, “What’s done cannot be undone.” Look inside yourself. You’re okay. You always were. Create your new voice. You choose who you are going to be. You get to exhale. You get to live.
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Photo by Max van den Oetelaar on Unsplash
