On Mind the Game, future NBA Hall of Famer Lebron James and NBA Hall of Famer Steve Nash discussed reaction to failure. Everyone fails. We’re all human.
Lebron said, “The most important thing for me in the early part of my career was the feeling of not wanting to let people down. I had to get over that.”
Steve said, “100%.”
Lebron added, “It took years to get over that.”
Steve commented, “You’re reacting to the perception.” Not to what happened, not to what you did.
Steve said, “I don’t think Kobe (Bryant) gave a shit… I don’t think Michael (Jordan) gave a shit. That’s part of their brilliance.”
Steve distinguished the double arrow in Buddhism.
In Buddhism, the “two arrows” represent the experience of pain and the additional suffering that arises from dwelling on that pain. The first arrow is the experience of a negative event or painful situation, which is unavoidable. The second arrow is the reaction to that pain, often involving negative emotions like anger, resentment, or self-blame, which prolongs and intensifies the suffering.
There’s what happened to me. There’s my reaction to what happened to me. And neither the twain shall meet. Mostly. Unless I let it go. In the First Noble Truth of Buddhism there will always be suffering in life. The Second Noble Truth is the source of suffering. My source of suffering was my childhood trauma and depression, my fear of Dad.
When I was a little boy, Dad scared the hell out of me. Whatever I did or didn’t do only made him so angry with me. I never knew which. I was not the son that he wanted. I was his greatest disappointment in life. I feared that I’m not good enough. I never would be for Dad. I never would be good enough for anyone, especially me. I spent much of my adult life proving that I was good enough, that I was good enough for Dad, that I was good enough to be loved.
My source of suffering happened in the past. The past is the past. Lady MacBeth said, “What’s done cannot be undone.” Yet, my suffering was the second arrow, in my reaction to what happened.
The Fourth Noble Truth of Buddhism is the path to end suffering. On that path I let go my reaction to my source of suffering. I love myself for who I am and forgive myself for you I’m not. I work on myself, not on others, not on Dad. I work on being my best and do my best. What happens, happens. No one gives a shit that I’m afraid. I let go my fear inside that I’m not good enough. That’s all on me.
When I fail, I learn from it. I put in the work. It’s about the work. The late Mizukami Sensei said, “Just train. It’s not like you have to get somewhere.” Sensei taught, “Enter the attack. Take a glancing blow if you have to. You’re not always going to get away scot-free. It’s one time.” I don’t give a shit that I take a hit. I work on being the greater man, the greater person. I take a hit for what’s meaningful to me.
Mizukami Sensei taught Aikido to Ishibashi Sensei and me before he passed away. Now Ishibashi Sensei teaches me. Sensei said, “The purpose of Aikido is to release your fear.” He said, “The safest place to be is under the attack, in the danger.”
When the bigger stronger man attacks, I wait it out. I enter the attack and die with honor. I hold my position under the attack, in the danger. I apply the Aikido technique to myself, not to the attacker. It’s one time. O-Sensei Morihei Ueshiba said, “True victory is victory over oneself.” It’s me against me. I don’t give a shit about the attacker. They don’t matter. I overcome myself, not them.
Under the attack, in the danger, I open up. I let go my fear inside that I’m not good enough. Although my fear inside never completely disappears, every time I enter what I fear, I let go more of my fear inside. I don’t give a shit about what others think. I free myself. I’m quiet inside.
I work with therapist Lance Miller to heal my childhood trauma and depression. I forgive Dad for not knowing how to be a father, for being afraid inside too, and for being imperfectly human. I forgive myself for not being strong enough as a little boy to stand up to Dad and protect Mom. I forgive myself for being imperfectly human, too. I love myself for who I am and forgive myself for who I’m not. I don’t give a shit about what happened in the past. I forgive in the present.
I’m not what women want. I’m 5’ 3”. I’m not handsome. No, I don’t look like Brad Pitt or Keanu Reeves. I’m not exactly rich. That’s my resume on the journey to fall madly and deeply in love with a woman, who will love me back the same way.
Women have dismissed and used me for how I look and for not being good enough for them. I’ve grown not to give a shit. I have nothing to do with what goes on inside someone else. I have a say in what goes on inside me. I work on myself, not on them. That’s all I can do. I’m the best man that I can be. As long as I’m that, I don’t give a shit. Maybe, I find the great love of my life or not. Who knows? Lightning could strike.
I’m 63 years old. The older I get, the less I give a shit about what others think. I give them only mad love and respect. I work on myself, not on them. I can always be better, always get better. I’m good with who I am. Maybe, I’m getting wiser, too. I don’t give a shit, in a good way. I give a shit about everyone. May you all find your path to end suffering. Have a meaningful life, a life that you love. I give a shit about that. Amen.
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Photo: iStock
