A Life of Struggle

So many things have happened in my life that would be considered negative. I often question my decision making and how I’ve done things. When I look around at friends and family, they never seem to have the same personal struggles I have dealt with.

What am I doing wrong, how can I be better and why does this keep happening to me?

Multiple divorces
Struggle with addiction
Financial crisis bag holder
Unemployment
Bankruptcy

I have finally changed the thought from these “things happening to me” and instead to “I created these situations myself”. I have constructed these narratives to play the victim. Some of these situations in life are direct reflections to actions I have taken and choices I have made. I don’t blame anyone for where I have been. The idea is really to discuss how to get out of them. How to succeed despite the inevitable negatives that happen to everyone. Some more than others, but when you look back with an overview of what lead up to a situation you can begin to see that often you were the creator. You are also the one with the strength to get yourself out.

I would like to go through each of these things and briefly describe how I think I created and struggled from these scenarios. How it happened, and what I did to help myself. I am hoping that by sharing my experiences with you it may help you to begin to change your perspective and begin to see that you are in control. It is your narrative, tell the story that you really deserve.

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When two people decide to get married the intent is to be married for the rest of your lives. If this wasn’t the case it does not pay to get married, literally. It costs everyone extra money, from the wedding itself to the lawyers drawing up the papers. I had every intention of staying married every time I have gotten married. I have always wanted a family and to raise kids together with someone else. Well, neither of these things have happened. I remember that I never listened to the advice of those around me. The ones that supported me, however also had an outside view of the relationship I was in. It seems that you can recognize only certain issues inside your own relationship but are often blinded by being in it. These issues without resolve will definitely raise there ugly heads again and possibly put you in a situation that cannot be recovered from. Or it will create a situation in which one of the parties will stray outside of the marriage to find comfort and a listening ear which could turn in to an affair.

This is what has happened to me. Two times I have been divorced due to relationships outside the marriage. The realization is that you cannot in any way control others. Yes you can have a part in the dissolution of the marriage and can feel like you caused it but the reality is that you did not make the other person take action. They took action, they made the decision to do what they did. For that, the only thing I am sorry for is putting you in a situation where you felt like you had no other choice. I can accept that and move on. I was not the bad person, I just needed to realign what kind of partner I could be. Open to more communication and doing a better job at being a better person. Time for growth. Thank you for helping me to become a better person to the my next partner.

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My struggle with addiction came after a divorce, lonely and depressed, feeling sorry for myself. Even more so, being bored. I had always been a bad drinker so maybe this step was inevitable. I had never thought or searched, and again ever listened to those around me who had pointed to the fact that I could have an issue. I became an everyday drinker. Never at work, only as soon as I got off until I would go to sleep. I used to justify it to myself time and time again. I would have the rational thoughts of quitting when I was sober, however once I started drinking that afternoon it wouldn’t be a thought any longer. I didn’t see the damage it was causing.

Again, I was in it. My perspective was off and I wasn’t seeing or listening to those who actually cared.

I was late for work one day many years ago. That is what inspired me to quit. I could not let the effects of alcohol get in the way of me making a living and supporting my children. I had just recently gotten back on my feet from financial ruin and the trajectory was up. I couldn’t afford to lose that, not again. I replaced my drinking habit with exercise. It has been the best decision I have ever made. Getting in better shape has allowed me to set higher goals for accomplishing things that were never even a thought. Running a marathon, and climbing mountains were never even a thought before I quit that day. You realize the impact on your life and see results it cements in your mind the strength that you have to change. Change your narrative, change the conclusion. Live your life with purpose. Create a life that has no physical boundaries for you to pursue the things you enjoy.

By drinking everyday I was creating a life with no future, no hope, and no ending. Constantly in a state emotional turmoil and victimhood. Things were always happening to me, now things happen for me. I have put myself in the position to win and take advantage of opportunities.

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I opened my own business in 2007, right as the financial crisis began to roll. I was in the housing industry building homes for general contractors and large builders. With the onset of the financial crisis work was getting slim and hard to find. I was fortunate, through hard work and a quality product my services were being utilized however with the tightening of credit the people I was working for began to pay me less. This was difficult but tolerable and I tried to make it work the best I could. I accepted lower and lower prices over the course of the next 4 years. In the end finally having to throw up my hands and not accept the next contract. I was finished.

No independent builders had work and the corporate builders had squeezed the last little bit of break even money out. I was competing with other contractors that were willing to run their business illegally. I quit.

This lead in to my financial ruin and bankruptcy, I owed money to the IRS for paycheck taxes, and I had no work. Yet I owed child support each and every month that was not being paid. I didn’t have any job prospects and life definitely became difficult. This is the point in which I filed bankruptcy and was unemployed. This is also the point in which my alcohol consumption began to pick up. There were a lot of things going wrong in my life and I played the victim multiple times. Every time I thought about things I blamed the bad contractors, the financial crisis, the x-wife, the entire planet. Everything and everyone was at fault, except the man who in the mirror. Then I would grab another beer to do a re-evaluation 15minutes later when I needed to use the bathroom again.

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All these scenarios are my reality. Changing my perspective and realizing that these things didn’t happen to me, but because of me.This has radically altered the future that I have in front of me. The entire realm of possibilities is open to how I want my life to look.

Throughout these last few years the clarity of mind to read more books, listen to podcasts with a host of alternative perspectives, and begin to write has allowed me to be more honest with myself about how I am doing and if I am making the right decisions. We all have the opportunity to make our lives better. You mustn’t try to be more than you are right now. Have goals, have dreams, wake up and have intention. Intention to take steps towards becoming a better person. Ridding yourself of the noise and the immense pressure of self doubt. I would have never thought that I would become a writer. I am a writer, I am getting better every day. I am becoming more honest everyday. I am learning to share more of my personal experience and sharing some of the ideas that I have used to get through some of the harder times.

We are each given scenarios, self inflicted or not to have to deal with them. I am of the belief that we are not given circumstances that we are not built to handle. It is a matter of self to overcome such obstacles and learn from each one. Maybe they keep happening because you were unable to shift your perspective quick enough. Had I shifted my perspective earlier those things that happened may have been avoided. My inability to see these truths made them happen again and again until I got it right. Now with a changed perspective and better outlook, having control of the life that I want to lead I can grow and encourage others to do the same. Look inward to find what it is your dealing with. Change your perspective to find your way out.

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This post was previously published on medium.com.

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