Content warning: Sexual Assualt
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Forty years ago, my sister and I were in the audience of a public forum on sexual crimes laws. I spoke up about my experience of rape. A lawyer (and future judge) in the audience who knew of our case said, “You weren’t raped. You experienced sexual assault.”
On the way home, I said to my sister, “If it were anyone else, that person would probably regret going public at that moment.”
I had forgotten that experience until two weeks ago when Irediscovered a videotape of my sister and I speaking for an hour in the productionINCEST: The Struggle of Survivorsthat aired on a Canadian cable station four decades ago and hasn’t been seen since.
My sister and I watched our interview for the first time since it aired way back in 1982. AsI was 21 then, my sister 19, it turns out to be a time capsule in more ways then one.
It was unusual for victims to use their name let alone press charges and go public with their story.We talked about our court case after achieving a conviction so we were stating our truth without having to allege anything.
What was our life like back then and how was sexual abuse handled, or should I state, mishandled? How much has changed today?
Now 60 and 58 respectively, we had no recollection of how and what words we had chosen to bear witness to our experiences.
We were shocked at some of the things we said. First thing I said when it ended, “No wonder Erik (our younger brother) is dead. [https://goodmenproject.com/featured-content/the-day-my-brother-died/]I’m amazed we are alive.” My sister said, “I know.”
Other takeaways?
Two humans experience the same trauma. What makes one a survivor and another a casualty?
I could not tell you how many times in our lives we were made fun of, bullied, told how to feel, what to say, what to think, how to look, what to believe, what to remember and what to forget.
Mosquito bites, I call them. I have never cried over acts of cruelty I’ve experienced but I do I weep over human acts of kindness. As you can imagine, there has been a decade or two I never shed a tear.
I embraced the torture. My dear brother couldn’t.
And people often question memories of victims. Without having seen that tape, I wrote a memoir 20 years later (Father’s Touch). It contained the same truths.
Then a documentary was made on our story in 2004 where my sister and I are interviewed yet again. Although we never discuss our past, again the same truths surfaced.
After four decades of disclosure of being sexually abused, what am I left with?Well, once you go public, the ship has sailed and there’s no turning back. To those of you who say, well, you wouldn’t be who you are today if you didn’t go public, I reply, “So, I might be a different version of happy.”
There’s no one way to be. My story doesn’t have a happy ending because of the disclosure. It does in spite of it.
I can’t tell you how many people have said, “not that subject again!” In hindsight, I realize the negative reaction to my very public process of disclosure hasmademe be more creative in my writing, interviews, speeches and projects on this subject — dare I say, entertaining?
Does the public reaction, the personal attacks on my choices affect me? No doubt. On a bad day, it really bugs me. On a good one, it fires me up, inspires my creativity. I do believe it requires a specific energy, spirit, fortitude to carry out a public dialogue on the subject of sexual abuse/sexual assault.
I council other “out survivors” — yes, out in a very different way than the closet we’re used to referring to! –whenthey ask for my two cents worth, I suggest they make sure they temper their public life with a private life: tap into their reservoir of resources for emotional support; I strongly suggest they go for a therapeutic tune-up and that they make sure they take appropriate times out on this very heavy topic.
But you know what? Most don’t listen.
So I must show them by example. I have literally told other survivors, I cannot talk about this right now. We must be aware of our emotional state. It is great if you have a listening ear, an intuitive friend, of course, but it is not the responsibility of others to read our minds — to understand us — to listen.
And let me tell you, the day I realized that was the day my world became an easier place to inhabit. Not expecting anything, I am no longer disappointed. In fact, imagine the surprise at the moments of human compassion, words of encouragement, expressions of positive reinforcement I’ve encountered.
Expecting an unkind word or an unnecessary remark will also remove its power.
If you are public about your experience, you must be prepared for anything. Many people will say the wrong things — count on it.
I must have gone through all that for something. I think that’s one of the reasons I went public — I just wanted it all to mean something.
Well, you know what I know now? It all meant something before anyone else found out about it. All that matters is thatI know that! It means something to me.
The person who understands why he suffers and for what he suffers can endure a greater amount of suffering, without it destroying their self and their soul. -Rabbi Michael Berenbaum, Author ofAfter Tragedy and Triumph
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