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Trouble in life or love?
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(Questions have been modified for space and clarity.)
My wife and I have been married for many years. Recently, she received a phone call from an old boyfriend, the guy she almost married before she met me. I could tell she was thrilled to hear from him after so many years. After about a week, I asked if she’d talked to him again, and she assured me it had been a one-time thing.
But a few weeks later, I became suspicious when I had three missed calls on my cell from this guy. I checked my wife’s phone and was dismayed to find she’d called him repeatedly. I looked up the dates and times and saw they’d been talking when she left the house to go shopping or run errands.
When I confronted her, she first denied she’d been in contact with her ex, but once I mentioned the phone records, she said the conversations were innocent, and the only reason she hadn’t told me was because she didn’t want me to worry that something more was going on. She promised there’d be no further contact between them, but unfortunately, that has been another lie.
I never thought I would face a situation like this. Could there be truth to her explanation that she didn’t tell me because she didn’t want me to worry? Is it time for us to see a marriage counselor?
–Tony; Buffalo, NY
Is it possible your wife didn’t tell you what was going on because she didn’t want you to worry? Anything’s possible, but I doubt it. I doubt she’s doing anything with your best interest in mind, at least when it comes to this situation.
That’s harsh, but let’s look at all she’s done. She reconnected with an old boyfriend behind your back (after the initial call) and lied about it. Repeatedly. When you confronted her about it, she refused to admit to it until faced with hard evidence.
But even that didn’t stop her, as she continued talking to her ex and continued lying about it.
She may have been a model wife before, but in this case, her word has proved to be worthless. To paraphrase Ralph Waldo Emerson, her actions speak so loudly, I can’t hear what she’s saying.
You probably shouldn’t listen either, because odds are she’s not protecting you; she’s protecting herself. If she had nothing to hide, why is she hiding so much?
Her explanation of secrecy could have held up initially. After all, we’ve all withheld information with the best of intentions. Maybe we’ve done it when dealing with a minor pain in our knee or an issue at work. Before allowing our loved ones to worry, we want to first make sure there’s something to worry about. So we don’t say anything.
It’s a strategy that almost always backfires — the cover-up is worse than the crime — and I wouldn’t have agreed with her using it. But I would have at least followed her rationale.
The second she started lying, though, that explanation lost all logic. At that point, you had made it known you viewed her relationship with her old boyfriend as a threat to your marriage. Your concern was obvious.
She could see that keeping you in the dark wasn’t keeping you from worry, meaning she no longer had a reason to hide. Yet she continued to do so, all the while ramping up the interactions with her ex.
Secret phone calls. Undisclosed rendezvous. Lies that not only deceive and deflect, but also paint her as the caring wife. That’s manipulation maximized. She’s conducted herself as somebody who is contemplating — or is already — having an affair.
And her ex was calling your phone? How did that happen? How did he have your number? It’s almost as if she wanted to get caught.
Which tells me there’s something deeper going on here.
While it seems like this (emotional, if not physical) affair came out of nowhere, my guess is your wife has been harboring dissatisfaction with your marriage for some time. It’s likely been simmering beneath the surface, and her ex reappearing provided the right combination of frustration and temptation, causing it to combust.
Understandably, this has all come as a shock to you. Few things rattle a person’s equilibrium as thoroughly as (potential) infidelity. It takes everything you know for certain and turns it on its head.
I cannot imagine the pain/anger/disbelief you’re experiencing, and I know you don’t want to believe your wife could be so calculating, so manipulative, so dishonest. When you love someone — and even more so when you don’t want something to be true — you’re willing to rationalize just about anything if it means not having to face reality.
But the two of you have myriad issues to work through — not only in terms of this situation with her ex, but with whatever led her to pursue it in the first place. Meaning this is absolutely the time to get help from a marriage counselor.
My only hope is that it’s not too late.
What do you think? What advice would you give this reader? Share your thoughts in the comments below!
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Beauty And The Eye Of The Beholder
How To Get Over A Broken Heart
How To Achieve Work-Life Balance
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I can relate and it sucks. If one is ready to file for divorce so quickly after a situation like this it makes me question how devoted they were to their wife and their marriage to begin with. If you marry somebody and commit your life to them I feel you would want to work through things as much as possible before determining it is over. There are two responsible parties when a relationship is not healthy. She has made damaging choices and the root issues need to be looked at from both sides if either or both parties will… Read more »
Jason…sorry to hear you’ve dealt with a similar situation. I agree with you — before giving up on a marriage, you have to do everything possible to save it. Thanks for your insight!
Please! Some things are not worthwhile probing into. Her behavior is clearly disrespectful and disgraceful. You need to move ahead with a divorce. I would also work to get custody of the children as well.
Mark, do you feel it is worth stepping back from the situation and the immediate hurt and other feelings to look at this from the big picture perspective? Hopefully there was a lot that went into getting married and committing your life to somebody else. If that is true I would think there would be a similar amount of time and energy that goes into it to determine if it should be ended. I try my best to take the perspective of looking forward from my current situation, maybe a year in this case, and looking back on how it… Read more »
Dude! Are you stupid? The marriage is over! Ditch the b*tch and get a divorce lawyer!
Seth…thanks for reading and thanks for commenting!
marriage helper 911, lots of good podcast to listen to for excellent advice. or ems weekend at affair recovery. Some serious talking needs to go on. I would tell your wife to stop all contact at this point and get to a good therapist. If you got kids you need to keep this in mind to protect them from this trauma. she has crossed boundaries. at some point the excuse this was ok to her has been met.
Thanks for commenting…your point about kids is important. If this couple has kids, this couple has to do everything they can to mitigate the trauma.
Again, this is why women say we men are totally clueless.
He needs to skip the marriage counselor and hire a divorce lawyer. I can assure you she has already consulted one or hired one.
Sadly, things are probably past the point of no return. Getting the name of a good lawyer would be a smart move. Thanks for reading and commenting, Jules!
Brent, I am disappointed that you would not advocate hope and instead advise getting a lawyer because things are probably past the point of no return. In my opinion it is not over until the judge says so and that in order to move on and be healthy in future relationships you need to work on yourself and your pieces of the situation. Your responses to the comments on this article seem to be affirming of all of them which is inconsistent. I’d be interested to know what you really feel about the topic instead of just seeing you affirm… Read more »
Jason,
Like most men, you are too dumb to see the light.
This is not about being imprudent or moving to fast. This is about breaches of trust, flagrant lying, being disrespectful…
You know men like you should just become cuckholds. That’s what’s wrong with men in America today. Too damn weak. Not balls. No heart.
NO, THE JUDGE DOES NOT CALL THE SHOTS JASON. YOU DO!
So, some other guy is banging your wife, but you want to hear from the judge? No shit!!!!
What do I think? Well, there is someone out there that it will be important to, so…Put on your crash helmet. I think the same thing I’ve said to countless men in this situation (and had them come back in later years and thank me for it); Commence the launch sequence. The marriage is not ending, it is already over, and was the moment her eyes began to wonder. The lies, cheating, and everything else is a symptom of that, and not at all of concern, but to be expected. You may see finding this out as a bad thing,… Read more »
DJ you are dead on the money.
She is already having an affair with this guy. Worse yet, she has given him her husband’s number which is the ultimate sign of total disrespect for her husband.
He needs to skip the marriage counselor and hire his divorce lawyer, immediately.
A lot of good advice/insight here. Thanks for sharing your story, DJ!