I held the door for her. It was a small thing. I made it to the door first, but stepped out of the way and pulled it back, so she could walk in. It wasn’t anything new to me. It was just habit. But as she made her way near she realized the door was open, turned to look at me as a smile grew across her face, and said, “Why thank you! No one believes in chivalry anymore.”
That sentence gets a rise from some women who believe that chivalry is an outdated and suppressive code. Brittney Johnson said this,
Most of the so-called “chivalrous” acts are severely outdated and corny, and quite frankly no longer make any sense. All chivalry does is paint an unreal expectation of what dating should be. Dating has changed so much even over the past 10 years, making the chivalry of thousands of years ago so archaic. Part of the knights’ code of chivalry included taking care of the weak. The weak is referring to woman who up until just recently were commonly treated as the weaker sex.
To be honest, she is right. I am not sure there is anyone who believes in chivalry anymore. Including myself. There may be some holdouts who think Brittney and I are mistaken. But they are wrong. And here is why.
Because we know what chivalry really is, and it is not what you think.
Chivalry is the code of knighthood dating back to around 1100 and is based on three different works. Ordene de Chevalerie, Libre del Ordre de Cavayleria, and Livre de Chevalerie of Geoffroi de Charny, none of which I have read, or can even pronounce properly. Both being great reasons for me not to promote chivalry.
These were books that helped evolve and grow knighthood, and chivalry, into what we think of today. And there was a lot more to it than holding the door for a lady at the gas station.
There were Ten Commandments of chivalry that sprung from these writings which encompass what chivalry really was. They are,
- Thou shalt (I know, right) believe all that the Church teaches and thou shalt observe all its directions.
- Thou shalt defend the Church.
- Thou shalt respect all weaknesses, and shalt constitute thyself the defender of them.
- Thou shalt love the country in which thou was born.
- Thou shalt not recoil before thine enemy.
- Thou shalt make war against the infidel without cessation and without mercy.
- Thou shalt perform scrupulously thy feudal duties, if they be not contrary to the laws of God.
- Thou shalt never lie, and shalt remain faithful to they pledged word.
- Thou shalt be generous, and give largesse to everyone.
- Thou shalt be everywhere and always the champion of the Right and Good against Injustice and Evil.
“What about throwing down your jacket over a mud puddle, carrying her through the door of your first home, or standing when she arrives at dinner,” you ask. None of that is chivalry. Chivalry has more to do with dying for England and the Catholic Church than treating women with respect. It says to give largesse to everyone. And I have never even caught a largesse, much less given one away. Which leads me to this. What we think of as chivalry is really just respect.
It is respect for others that causes us to wave them into to traffic when they are trying to merge, (which was a practice negligently overlooked in the original code of chivalry) regardless of their gender. Respect for the plight and struggles of our fellow humans causes us to pick up other people’s dropped items, say hello, and lend yard equipment to our neighbors that we know we won’t get back in good condition. We respect ourselves enough to care for others, put them first and give more than our share. It’s hakuna matata, its aloha, and it’s doing the right thing.
We have confused chivalry with respect. I agree that chivalry is an outdated, and in some ways, silly code. But respect is timeless. Respecting each other enough to help, smile or say Hi is not a code set forth by the church, state, or military. It is what is missing in some cultures and what is right about others. It is a character trait that we develop. Just like a muscle, it grows the more we use it. Which is why I held the door for the older lady, slowly walking in the store, and the large guy with neck tattoos, right behind her.
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Photo: Getty Images
Source: 30dB.com – Chivalry
“However it is defined it looks like Social has put a solid fork in Chivalry coming in at 76% negative. Sure there are still some who have hope but they are vastly outnumbered by the cynics, or are they the realists?” – Howard K. 30dB
I’m sure the argument would be that chivalry was redefined and concepts can be revisited. The issue that I have is if that is true, why is there so much resonance to redefining one aspect of chivalry, the gendered aspect. People who insist on it being redefined as “1940s” chivalry will also insist that women are exempt from these requirements as they only coach it in terms of what men are supposed to do for women. Make’s one question their motivations.
Anyway, it was a very informative article. Thank you.
“We have confused chivalry with respect.” Yes. And a focus on respect is important because that really gets to the heart of the matter. It also means that respect is not only something men need to do better – it’s something everyone needs to do better.
I dun know. I tend to agree with Brittneyy (and you), and I’m glad that you wrote this. Not many really investigate the origin of chivalry. Fewer have examined where and when it was extrapolated to relationships through such as, The Court of Love. What even fewer know is that it really never existed in practice, but in the pages of poetry and stages of the theater. Such courtesy was necessity in old England (which many refer to). Doors were oak, hung on hammered hinges. Women wore bell dresses, corsets, and all manner of bondage gear. They could not even… Read more »