Embracing Self-Improvement on Our Own Terms

In a world bombarded with headlines screaming “How to Improve Your Life,” I find myself recoiling from the pressure of conventional self-help advice. The relentless pursuit of productivity, success, and self-betterment seems to gnaw at my core, leaving me questioning my own worth and capabilities.

It’s not that I’m opposed to growth or progress. On the contrary, I’ve spent countless hours delving into areas of interest, expanding my knowledge, and honing various skills. Yet, the traditional methods of self-improvement often leave me feeling inadequate and overwhelmed.

My friend, with the best of intentions, inundates my DMs with articles and advice such as the following:

• “How to Read 50 Books in a Year”
• “How to Find a Time for Everything With a Full-Time Job”
• “How to Stop Wasting Your Life (Avoid These 5 Things)”
• “Watch This if You’re Having an Unproductive Day”
• “This Is Why You’re Lonely (And How to Fix It)”
• “How to Learn Any Skill Twice as Fast”
• “How to Make $10,000/Month Writing Online” (shows big money screenshots alongside X and LinkedIn logo)

Essentially, articles and advice on how to optimize every aspect of my life. I told him, “I will not consume SH content. Self-help/harm.” Because even as I attempt to absorb these nuggets of wisdom, I can’t help but feel a sense of discord within myself. There’s a disconnect between the external expectations of what I should be and the reality of who I am.

In my pursuit of self-discovery, I’ve come to realize that my resistance to conventional self-help stems from a deep-seated insecurity — an insecurity rooted in the fear of not measuring up to societal standards of success and achievement. I grapple with the notion of being “developmentally normal,” constantly questioning whether my path aligns with the expectations imposed upon me.

When we don’t have a stable internal frame, a frame being a narrative about your identity that you strongly believe is true, conventional self-help can do more harm than good. It’s a sludge of content telling you the person you “should” be and what you “should” be doing.

Every time I consume self-help, I feel wrong for not following along due to “personal reasons”. Most young people are still at a stage of self-discovery, and rejecting conventional standards of success due to misaligned values may feel like making excuses under this lens.

I am not at a stage to say, with confidence, this is who I am, and this is what I will accept and reject. Waving “my personal reasons” for not doing what Thomas Frank or Ali Abdaal is doing feels like a phantasm: made-up bullshit that you convince yourself into believing so that it doesn’t destroy your identity. (Fear: I am not lazy. Phantasm: I am neurodivergent / impassioned by things other than money and status / etc.)

I have tried many conventional self-help methods in my life, but while they improved how well I appeared to be “doing” life externally, it did nothing to change how I felt internally. Internally, I perpetually felt anxious, depressed, and isolated. Doing good girl things daily in order to “beat the competition” made me feel disconnected from people. Whenever there was someone better than me, I felt like shit for not matching up.

So now, I avoid self-help because it only focuses on improving your external conditions, while in my case, simultaneously worsened my internal state because I feel anxious every day about whether I am doing fine. On the one hand, I constantly worry about whether I am good enough. Conversely, my self-esteem is too fragile to comprehend conventional self-improvement methods.

I think I avoid or maybe am “excessively bothered” by mainstream “how to live life PROPERLY” narratives because I fear losing a part of myself if I doubt myself again. Most unconventional/radical philosophies have a well-developed school of thought behind them. If an anarchist rejects capitalism, they turn to Kropotkin. If an egoist rejects altruism, they turn to Stirner.

But really, though, who can I run to? Myself, who I am not even sure is right? It is hard to follow a way of thinking that does not stand on “objective” arguments, even if “objectivity” may be subjectivity infused with overinflated confidence that one is right. In truth, I feel strongly about an opinion first and then make up the rationalisation to justify it for others. Hence, me wondering whether my conclusions are valid/legitimate.

On the other hand, I know that “facts over feelings” is scientifically unrealistic. Reason is a slave to the passions, after all. Logical reason is thought to have evolved not as a method of deriving a conclusion but as a way to convince others of your cause — which is why humans can form functionally organised societies.

Indeed, I think there is nothing more quintessentially feminine than feeling a little out of this world and perpetually questioning the dominant patriarchal value system and all the propaganda associated with it. “Effective” altruism may have missed the point of altruism. It helps people stay alive but not genuinely live. There is no effective metric for measuring the love and meaning present in someone’s life.

It’s a strange paradox that to “be yourself” (following the sage-old advice), you are advised to change yourself in some way. Whether it is to impress a love interest, land a job, or simply convince yourself that you have a personality.

According to Dan McAdams’ Theory of Personality, people have three types of motivations: Power (need to have influence over others), Affiliation (need to maintain meaningful relationships), and Achievement (need to overcome a challenge). What gets you going is primarily determined by the general satisfaction you derive from each motive.

Notice how the primary motivations in the male-dominated self-help space are primarily Power and Achievement. To the point that they will even frame relationship goals through the lens of Power and Achievement:

• “How to Make Friends and Influence People”
• “This Is Why You’re Lonely (And How to Fix It)”
• “How to Pick up an Attractive Girl”
• “How to Make a Woman OBSESSED Over You”
• “How to Stop Being a SIMP”

I find these sorts of things baffling because the frame that these videos provide to their viewer perpetuates the problem that they are struggling with.

How to make women like you? Maybe NOT objectify them? Maybe DON’T treat them as goalposts, trophies, a means to an end?

I think deep inside, these people do need the Affiliation component to feel happy. But for some reason, it is never discussed as a legitimate source of motivation for self-improvement.

But why?

I find that self-help is incomplete, in that it alienates people who are more motivated by Affiliation over Achievement or Power. As a result, statistically more empathetic subgroups, such as women and neurodivergent people, are left with the feeling that they are inadequate for not finding these aspects motivating.

But amidst this internal struggle, I’ve discovered my own unique approach to self-improvement — a journey guided not by external metrics of success, but by a genuine desire to grow and evolve on my own terms.

I wrote down the things I did in the past that made me happy, and those which didn’t. Here was what I came up with (yours might be different):

• Help depressed friends. This counts as self-help because I am improving as well. I can help with anything, even things that I was previously not good at; I learn and improve for my friends. I learned fashion photography for my friend’s post-breakup photoshoot. I went from having really poor cardio to being able to hike a steep route twice a day without bringing a water bottle due to taking various highly functioning depressed friends to touch grass. I learned to cook to help my friend meal prep because I wanted to help them save money. Through helping others, we also improve ourselves.
• Study an area of interest. Art history, fashion history, fashion upcycling, makeup artistry, philosophy, literature, what self-help gurus would consider prerequisite knowledge for working at Starbucks. They might consider this as entertainment instead of self-improvement, but I think they’re missing important components of what makes life worth living. (And it is not to sound smart at dinner parties!)
• Socialise. I grew up without the opportunity to make many friends, but I’ve embraced the discomfort of stepping out of my comfort zone and found the power of human connection intimately transformative.
• Embrace your personal style. Even the simple act of looking bomb daily holds significance in my journey towards self-acceptance. While society may deem it superficial, I find empowerment in expressing myself through fashion and grooming, reclaiming my sense of agency in a world that often dictates unrealistic beauty standards.

I’ve found solace and purpose in helping friends navigate through their darkest moments, channeling my own struggles into acts of compassion and empathy. Similarly, my insatiable curiosity drives me to explore diverse areas of interest, for no reason other than a frivolous thirst for knowledge.

In conclusion, I’ve come to understand that self-improvement is not a one-size-fits-all endeavor. It’s a deeply personal journey — one that requires introspection, self-awareness, and a willingness to challenge societal norms.

So, as I navigate the complexities of my own growth, I embrace self-improvement on my own terms — forging my path with courage, compassion, and an unwavering commitment to authenticity. And in doing so, I find solace in the knowledge that true self-worth lies not in conformity, but in the courage to embrace who we are, flaws and all.

If conventional self-help expectations ring hollow to you, perhaps it’s time to rethink whether these expectations align with your values.

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This post was previously published on MEDIUM.COM.

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White Fragility: Talking to White People About Racism

Escape the “Act Like a Man” Box

The Lack of Gentle Platonic Touch in Men’s Lives is a Killer

What We Talk About When We Talk About Men

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