Male Vulnerability
What it means to be a good man often centers around anger and self-control. The conversation topics are different but the core themes can often be linked to these two emotional experiences. Angry outbursts can both ruin a man’s reputation (think Mel Gibson, Alec Baldwin) and better his image (think the “tough guy” stereotype or the “protective boyfriend” women love).
I’m not a man, but I have an innate need to try to understand why women and society often dehumanize men in ways no one really discusses.
Perhaps using the word dehumanization might come across as dramatic; not when you analyze the perpetual suffocating silence many men live through but never get to express.
Silence is looked at as a positive way to deal with emotions. Being tough and taking care of everyone else is a man’s role in society.
Yet women often expect men to be sensitive and expressive. How can these different expectations create any kind of harmony in a man’s heart?
Opposing Forces Eat Away At A Man’s Soul
Most men are locked in a cage trying to find a reconciliation opposing forces: creating a legacy and being a human. Being a ruthless winner in control of emotions (think American Psycho) and being a sensitive and considerate man capable of loving a woman and being attentive to her needs.
Some men experience trauma. Trauma often leads to a lifetime need to assert dominance, command respect and even lash out at anyone who even shows a sign of disrespect. This article is inspired by a few men I know very well, whose lives have not been easy and whose hearts want to be open but end up self-sabotaging, lashing out and destroying any vulnerable situations that could threaten their emotional fortress.
I am not trying to portray a Hollywood depiction of the guarded man whose heart simply cannot open because he has been hurt in the past; Hollywood’s portrayal of men has only suppressed them further. What’s important is to focus on the emotional experience of a man who deals with trauma, particularly in childhood.
The person whose life story inspired this article was raped as a child by a homeless man who ripped his you know what apart to the point that he was bleeding in the bathtub. The other was beaten by his father to the point that he pissed himself because he was terrified that he was going to die when enduring these senseless, rage-fueled beatings.
His father was angry and needed a punching bag; his son became a convenient one.
Both of these men are hyper masculine yet unfairly sensitive and reflective.
I want to write this as a woman because I do not think most men feel like any woman cares about their emotional experiences.
You’re not weak.
You’re not a coward.
You’re not a loser.
You’re a human being.
I’m not going to pity you because you dealt with trauma; I will listen and try to understand. Your experiences matter. Suffering in silence does nothing but hurt you and those around you. Yes, the silence men suffer leads to internalized anger. This internalized anger is what creates fights, hospital visits, brutal rapes and heinous crimes.
Breaking free of your inner censor is going to give you a newfound joy when experiencing life that you deserve.
Fear and admitting you are afraid are very different; fear is simply an emotion we cannot control. Fear leads us to make irrational decisions. When you don’t express yourself, you end up letting the negative emotion consume you.
Just to be clear: I’m not blaming men for not expressing these feelings. In fact, I think these emotions are often so buried underneath somewhere in their hearts that most are not even aware of the psychological factors at work when a man lashes out in anger.
Anger often comes from unexpressed fear.
Learning this can often be a freeing realization; angry men are often not monsters but rather traumatized children who have grown up to be scary adults.
Self-Control
Being able to control your emotions (anger, sadness, fear, even happiness) is another key part of the male experience that needs to be addressed.
Think about how many false rape accusations occur on a regular basis. Why does this happen? Because men are stereotyped as being animalistic, primal beasts who cannot contain their sexual
impulses.
A man afraid of humiliation who is unable to deal with rejection ends up raping a woman, right? Wrong. Not every man is a rapist. In fact, I am actually going to say… women overuse the “rape” word in my humble opinion. This is my opinion and I know feminists will claw my eyes out for even discussing this…
Another example is sadness. A man is not supposed to be a blubbering mess when he is sad; something bad happens and a man is overwhelmed? Well, naturally, he has to take charge and cannot be a “weak beta male” sobbing in the corner, breaking down. Fine, I understand the reasoning behind why being strong in a crisis makes sense; this makes sense not only for men but for women too. The hypocrisy isn’t in the ideology (that being calm in crisis works best to fix the crisis) but the gender divide that makes men into the caretakers and women into the vulnerable creatures who never have to be strong.
The Titanic let the women and children on the boats first as if the male life did not matter as much. Just think about that. I will leave you with that.
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Photo Credit: Getty Images
My husband’s mother would buy noisy toys and then break them over his & his brothers’ heads when they became annoying. She referred to their dates as chics or broads and advised her sons to wear the pants in the family or their wives won’t respect them. She also enrolled him in an all boys Catholic high school. He is a mess because he still has her on a pedestal (she passed on 8 years ago). Our marriage is constant work.
I am accused of angry outbursts regularly yet was not the victim of actions you described; i was exposed to lots of fighting between my parents; they stayed the course and got through it, but there must be casualties; moi! I attribute my outbursts to disappointment and unmet expectations. Primarily bc I feel I give do much to the common-cause.?Ibknow that a common belief amongst sufferers; all in all, viewing totality of circumstances, i do have it pretty good, so I’ll continue to stomach the discomfort for the common-good
Not “to much” rather “so much”
Thankyou Erin 🙂 I am glad you wrote this article, and thankyou 🙂 I am someone who (over time) has had difficulty knowing who-to-be in relationships – and I doubt it is particularly uncommon. I know that there are some catch-22s to navigate (eg. if she does something that makes you afraid,angry,hurt,etc. – do you express it? or not?) I suppose my current best thought is that women generally want someone who they can respect and/or admire and possibly trust; and that this is associated with different behaviours for different women (eg. stoic self-control might be respected by some or… Read more »