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I can count on one hand the number of times I’ve stood up for myself. I’ve stood up for others plenty of times but for myself? I hardly ever do.
I simply do not see myself as having any worth or value at all, you know? I’m like a one-cent coin; dirty, invaluable, and easily misplaced and forgotten.
That’s why I bask in and appreciate any love I can get. I do not actively seek it but when I have it I am content. I feel appreciated and like I have worth because if someone can love me, then I must have at least a small, substantial value, right?
That is also why I do not immediately understand the difference between good love and bad love, for I assume that any type of love showered upon me should be treated with care. I’m so foreign to the concept of being loved that every kind of love feels right to me; even the kind that hurts me and makes me more empty than whole on the inside.
And that’s why I accepted it. I accepted his love with open arms even if it felt like everything in me was being sucked away. I accepted it even though it felt like I was caving in and even when everything around me became a blur all I could focus on was ‘how do I get through this how do I make this work’.
My thoughts were constantly filled with ‘how do I make him happy? How do I quell his anger? How do I live in this love that seems to be suffocating me?’
And that’s what was happening to me. I was being suffocated. Slowly and without me knowing, I was dying. I was losing myself to a love that wasn’t doing anything for me.
And even when I realized, I shoved it to the back of my mind. I didn’t want to think about it. I didn’t allow myself to think about it.
To think about it was to lose the love I had. To think about it was to rid myself of love I didn’t even deserve.
So I simply ignored it; refused to acknowledge the thoughts. I convinced myself that as long as I loved him and him, me, that everything would work out.
Then, some important people told me things.
They told me that sometimes love isn’t enough to pull through. He could love me and I could love him but as long as one person isn’t putting in the effort, nothing would work.
They told me that sometimes what I love isn’t good for me. What I love can hurt me and scold me because not everything I love is harmless. They told me that love that hurts should be let go.
They told me that I deserved better, and that really stumped me for a bit. Even now it still kind of does.
Why should I deserve better? What did I do to give myself so much worth that they are under the impression that I even deserve anything at all? What was better? I’ve never even really been loved before so could anything be better than actually being loved? Was anything actually better than being made to feel like I was worthwhile-
And that’s the whole point.
I didn’t feel like I was worthwhile. Not in that relationship. I didn’t feel like I was making him happy. I felt like I was there for him to let out his anger on, someone to snap at, someone to take lightly and someone to hurt.
I didn’t feel loved; I felt used. I felt used and hurt and betrayed.
The times I felt scared greatly outnumbered the times I felt comforted; it felt like I was walking on eggshells every day. Every single day I would wake up thinking ‘I hope nothing goes wrong today’.
And for the first time, it clicked with me that this? This isn’t healthy.
This ‘love’ isn’t healthy. It never was.
To feel belittled and small in a relationship that’s supposed to empower me? That’s not what a healthy relationship is.
That’s not what love is.
And so I ended it.
I ended it because I saw my worth. I saw that I was worth more than someone who did not think twice to turn against me. I saw that I was worth more than someone who easily let their anger get the best of them with me. I saw that I was worth someone who actually genuinely loved me without taking me for granted.
I saw that I was worth more than him.
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While it is true I do feel guilty for leaving him, I don’t regret my decision.
Is he hurt? Probably.
Am I sad? Yeah.
But I want to put myself first now. I want to put myself in front of others and think about what I need and what I want for once.
And I pray it isn’t selfish.
I pray that it isn’t bad to finally love myself even if a little.
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Previously Published on Medium
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