Q: Can you tell us a little bit about yourself?
A: Let me refer you to my resume and cover letter. There’s also Google, Facebook, LinkedIn, Twitter, and Instagram.
Q: Do you have any experience?
A: (To quote Robbie Hart from Wedding Singer) I have no experience, but I’m a big fan of money. I like it; I use it; I have a little. I keep it in a jar on top of my refrigerator. I’d like to put more in that jar. That’s where you come in.
Q: Why do you want this job?
A: See previous response.
Q: How can you add value to the company?
A: I suppose that once I become a millionaire I can buy stock in it.
Q: Talk about a time you faced a serious challenge. How did you handle it?
A: Well, I got up this morning, got dressed, and got here on time. I needed two alarms, a lightning-quick shower, and some reckless driving to make that happen.
Q: Where do you want to be in five years?
A: Colonizing Mars.
Q: I mean, where do you want to be professionally?
A: Either so successful or so far away from human beings that no one would ask me this question.
Q: How did you hear about us?
A: I googled “I need a f—ing job.” This one was number 13 on the list.
Q: If you were a tree, which one would you be?
A: Trees don’t talk.
Q: What are your ideal work conditions?
A: I’d like to set my own hours and work at my own pace—and I’d like to be far from the boss’s gaze. If possible, please stick me in a corner office with a computer, no cameras, and no restrictions on surfing the internet. It would also be nice to have my own private bathroom. You know, for hygienic purposes.
Q: What is your biggest strength?
A: Self-restraint. I’ve wanted to get up and walk out of this interview several times, but I have been able to restrain myself up to this point. I’m also quite gifted at seeming like I give a shit.
Q: What is your biggest weakness?
Q: Tell me about a conflict involving a colleague. How did you handle it?
A: One time in the staff room a colleague stole the last smudge of cream cheese to use on his bagel while my back was turned—when I was the one who got said cream cheese out of the refrigerator (with intent to distribute it on my own bagel). Rather than letting it go or expressing my disappointment in a calm, professional manner, I proceeded to swipe the bagel out of his hand. The bagel hit the floor, which was my intent. I taught my younger colleague an important lesson (about proper bagel etiquette).
Q: When can you start?
A: I’ll start right now as long as I don’t have to answer anymore questions.
Please see last week’s Honest Cover Letter if you missed it.
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