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How did you learn emotional intelligence?
Growing up I was very shy. I think today I still am, even though now I coach people in soft skills and human dynamics.
My life has led me to different parts of the world. I couldn’t have done it without a high EQ (Emotional Quotient). Growing up I was very much untuned with people and how they communicated. I didn’t learn to speak until age 2, and didn’t learn English until Age 4.
This was very interesting, I’m sure for the reason that my sensory sensitivity processing (SSP) was so high. According to Dr. Elaine Aron, author of the Highly Sensitive Person, states that HSP (Highly Sensitive Person) accounts for 15-20 percent of the population.
That’s a lot to take in, trust me, I know.
Growing up was interesting, I didn’t really understand social cues. What I felt and what people did was oftentimes misconstrued.
I don’t think I understand until I was about 18. I had no emotional intelligence. See emotional intelligence is the ability to be aware of your emotions and the emotions of others, and the ability to regulate the emotions of others and yourself.
I did not have the skills to discern my emotions, let alone the emotions of others. And I definitely didn’t have the skills to regulate them.
So, I read books on it, it seemed to be a very important topic since everyone was talking about it. I had many trial and errors with my interactions with people, but this time it came from a different place. I wasn’t afraid.
TEDx speaker, Dr. Susan David, author of Emotional Agility, says that “courage is fear walking”. Such a powerful summary of how I’ve viewed life.
See personally, I believe that fortune favors the bold. The more I explored and discovered things about people, the more I understood, and the more I understood myself.
I believe that we change every time we have an experience with someone. So, as I literally put myself in thousands of situations diligently, I learned how to actually communicate with people.
I have learned that 7% of communication is what you say, 38% how you say, and 55% why you say.
So, it’s always how I communicate with my body is how people will interpret me? Whatever I project, people will accept. Now if I don’t know how I feel about myself it’s going to be very difficult to communicate good energy.
So that’s how I started. If I couldn’t go outside, go inside. Your emotions are the tiger in the room, sitting, look at you. You have to act quickly on how you’re going to make this tiger your friend. He looks hungry.
We don’t want to trigger him. Being able to know what triggers your tiger stops any compulsive behavior. Lashing out, screaming, or running away from your emotions.
What satisfies your tiger? You want him on your side. So, what needs does he need met? Are you not taking care of him feeding him, loving him? What about contact? Are you allowing your tiger to play outside? Are you allowing your tiger to enjoy the world?
This tiger is not going to speak to me but it’s going to show me really fast if it doesn’t like me. I need to be able to convey through my body language that I’m friendly and safe.
Our bodies are very similar to pets, they’re the vehicle that interacts with the world through Person Environment Transaction (PET). If we can provoke, evoke, and react to a response from the environment, then our body is going to be a lot of what we’re communicating.
There are traditions that will mention the mind is the body and the body is the mind.
On the other hand, what we think we will feel and how we feel is going to be how we think.
I learned that I mirrored people for the longest time. Like attracts like. But this idea that Cooley had about I’m not what I think I am, I’m what I think you think I am.
It made me think about the looking glass I was looking into.
Humans have empathy receptors called mirror neurons, this is what causes emotional contagion, whatever I feel you feel. Some would call this the Law of Transference.
These receptors would alert another caveman to run and hide, when the saber tooth-tiger came. Surviving that tiger is the allusion to living in the world.
Our tiger can be vicious its what nature is, as much as you would want to domesticate, emotions are always a part of it.
So, I asked, why don’t I own this tiger is a reflection of who I am. Elegant, intelligent, fierce, kind, but never forgetting one that lives in nature.
We have to interact with life, animals, plants, people, just like all the rest.
From my experience, learning emotional intelligence is living in the concrete jungle. I think we’re pretty sophisticated creatures.
But I would guess that for anyone to learn emotional intelligence, it all starts when you first ask who am I? And how do I reflect that? Personally, I think that truly gives you the intelligence, a map and compass, to navigate in this uncharted territory.
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