“I Wasn’t Invited to My Boyfriend’s Daughter’s Wedding!”

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My boyfriend’s daughter is getting married this weekend and I am not invited to the wedding. I met the bride — let’s call her “Susie” — when she was 9. Years later, her father and I, who were always close, became a couple and now have lived together for almost two years.

Susie has insisted that I’m “not good for him” despite not seeing me since her parents separated. When she announced her engagement to her dad, she also informed him that I wouldn’t be invited. The wedding is in another state and, while I thought about joining him for the trip and to confirm our relationship status with his extended family, I am undecided.

Susie’s fiancé has told my partner that he has “accepted” that I’m part of his future FIL’s life but he’d “escort Susie’s father from the wedding” if I came. (Note: I’ve never seen the fiancé, whose parents are divorced and remarried multiple times, FYI). The fiancé has also said that Susie “doesn’t like me,” “wants to avoid “drama,” and that he “doesn’t think the wedding is the ‘right time’ to introduce me to the extended family.” I also get the feeling that Susie is “protecting” her mother (who blames me for “stealing her man” despite the fact that the marriage was broken when I first met them and I never expected him to begin a romantic relationship with me).

Susie says she’ll be “happy” to spend time with me after the wedding, and that seems to be the attitude of the rest of the “don’t make waves” family. Well, I’m insulted by Susie’s treatment of me (and her own dad) and have no interest in ever spending time with her or the rest of the family. It feels to me like they’re saying they’re considering allowing me a royal audience at some future time and they expect me to be grateful.

The wedding is this weekend and I haven’t even decided if I should bother with the long car trip there and back since I don’t know if I’ll be ignored. Thoughts? Suggestions? — Not Invited to the Wedding

What is there to decide? You weren’t invited to the wedding. In fact, you were explicitly told not to show up.

You boyfriend was informed that he would be escorted out of his daughter’s wedding if he brought you. The bride and the entire family have made it clear that, fair or not, your presence will bring unwanted drama and they’d rather spend time with you at a less emotionally-loaded occasion (and, like, when the woman who believes you stole her husband won’t be in attendance).

I don’t know the timeline of your boyfriend’s marriage, separation, and when he began a relationship with you, but, reading between the lines, it seems plausible that there was some overlap. And even if there wasn’t an overlap, it seems some of the major players involved (the ex-wife, the daughter, maybe some of the extended family) do blame you or at least partly blame you for the demise of your boyfriend’s marriage. I’m not saying that’s fair at all.

But it would explain why Susie “doesn’t like you” despite not seeing you in many years, and it would explain why no one feels comfortable about your big introduction to the family being at an event that: a) is a celebration of Susie and her fiancé; and b) where the ex-wife, who likely thinks of you as “the other woman,” will be.

Sit this one out. Be classy. Take the high road.

And rather than get all drama queen about this, accept that this occasion isn’t about you and that, yes, you will be granted a “royal audience” with your boyfriend’s family at some future time. Whether you are interested in spending time with them or not, they will be much more welcoming and warm to you meeting you in a more neutral setting. And if you care about your boyfriend at all, you won’t make this about you, you won’t tag along to an event where you aren’t welcome, and you won’t blame your boyfriend for the awkward and unfortunate position he’s been put in.

Let him go support and celebrate his daughter, and look forward to “confirming your relationship status” with his family at another time when your presence will be welcomed and no one will be escorted away.

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Originally Published on Dear Wendy and is republished on Medium.

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