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Does your inner critic bring you down? Are you reactive? Do you trigger? Are you moody? Are your relationships not what they should be, no matter how hard you try? If so, chances are your shadow is running the show.
Your shadow is made up of those parts of you that you don’t like or love, those parts that you do not want to look at. You would rather avoid them, are ashamed of them, they cause you to play small, doubt yourself, argue, victimize, and cause trouble.
Your uncontrolled shadow will ruin your marriage, your relationships and leave you in a state of disarray. That’s the cold, hard truth. But it doesn’t have to be this way.
Men’s coach Connor Beaton, who specializes in ‘shadow work’ with men, uses the analogy of a table to describe you and your shadow. Imagine a long table. You are sitting at the head. Seated around the table are all the previous versions of yourself. There is the child versions of you, the teenage versions, the shameful versions, the angry you, the avoidant you, all the versions that you don’t like. Everyone is there. I call them ‘table dwellers’.
You are at the head. But the entire table represents you.
Now imagine that there are a few specific characters whom you really don’t like, let alone love, sitting at this table. Together they form your shadow – the darker parts of you. Rather than welcome and make peace with them, you ignore them, pretend that they don’t exist, don’t look at them, don’t listen to them, and deliberately avoid catching their eye. Perhaps they will just shut up and go away.
Now what do you imagine would happen between you and these characters at this table? Would they just sit there quietly minding their own business, waiting their turn? Or are they more likely to be noisy, poorly behaved and trying to get your attention in some way? Generally speaking, some or all of these characters will ‘act out’ in some way. All of them will be reactive. They may show up as anger, sadness, frustration, impatience, defensiveness, or whatever.
These versions of your psyche, who are your shadow, when left unattended will tend to wreak havoc in your life and relationships. For any man who wants to be in control of his own life and be in his authentic self, calm and confident, must first deal with his shadow.
How do you know if your shadow is running the show?
If your shadow is running the show, the evidence will be clear. You will be able to point to a few areas in your life that are not really working the way you want them to, no matter how hard you try. It can be minor or disastrous, depending on how much of your shadow is active.
Here are just a few questions you can ask yourself?
- Do you lose your cool often?
- Are you in regular conflict with others? (partner, kids, even people in traffic)
- Are your relationships suffering (lack of peace, connection, intimacy, boredom)?
- Are you constantly second-guessing yourself?
- Do you self-sabotage relationships?
- Are you terrible with money management?
- Are you constantly telling yourself you are not enough?
- Are you living in fear?
- Are you overly sad, depressed, anxious, angry?
- Are you lacking calm and confidence?
If you answered yes to some, most or even only a couple of these, chances are that your shadow is running parts, if not the entire show. And you can imagine what happens when these feisty, unwanted, ignored characters get into a wrangle with someone else’s shadow. That’s where you see violence, abuse, and terrible arguments.
Your mission, should you choose to accept it, is to make peace with your shadow, and reign it in. You cannot pretend it doesn’t exist, because it does. Your shadow is you, and you exist, both dark and light.
When you sit at the head of your table and you run the show, quite simply, your shadow doesn’t. In fact, it can’t. But it will try!
The great Carl Jung, the father of shadow work says this: “The most intense conflicts, if overcome, leave behind a sense of security and calm that is not easily disturbed”. How good would that be — to live a life of security and calm, not easily disturbed. How would that affect your relationships?
Jung adds, “everyone carries a shadow, and the less it is embodied in the individual’s conscious life, the blacker and denser it is… it forms an unconscious snag, thwarting our most well-meant intentions.”
That’s why you can try and still keep losing the fight. We MUST make peace with our shadow.
One of the biggest battles of all is the one between your ears. One of the strongest signs that your shadow is active is the voice of your inner critic — the voice of your saboteur. “You’re not good enough, she won’t keep loving you, you’ll never make it, you won’t last, you’re hopeless, who do you think you are”. Sound familiar? Get enough of that rubbish recycling around your head and guess what, it messes you up and every relationship you’ll ever be in.
So where is that voice coming from? Let’s go back to the table. Look around. Who’s talking? Who’s the one spinning you those beliefs? Is it your 8-year-old self, is it your 17-year old-self, is it your failed relationship self, is it all of them? Identify who it is. I guarantee it is not your authentic self. It is not you who is sitting at the head. It’s another old version of you, and that version is afraid.
Your shadow means well. It is trying to protect you. But to do that, it is destroying the very life that you are trying to create.
Identify it. Speak to it. Do not ignore it. It wants to tell you something. Listen to it, but don’t allow it to run rampant and overwhelm you. Make peace with it. Own it. Take responsibility for it. Bring it into your consciousness. Shine the light on it.
I’m learning to literally speak to my shadow and not be afraid of it. Like this: “Thanks for your message. I hear you. I see you. But you are not running this show. I (my authentic self) am in charge here. Now sit down and stop talking. I’ve got this. I understand you’re afraid, but that is part of the old story. You (shadow self) are not running this show. Stop arguing. None of what you are saying is true. I’ve got this and we will be ok”.
Once you can start to make peace with your shadow, and give it boundaries, it will start to settle. Triggers will be less active, you won’t be so afraid, you won’t be so reactive, and you will be more consistent in your mood. If you want to become the man you have always wanted to be, deal with your shadow.
Make peace with your shadow and re-assure it that you are in charge. Then be in charge. Whenever you hear the voice of your inner critic, you can be sure your shadow is active. These are the times to pay attention and take action within yourself.
You are the king of your own round table. Time to own it. Strengthen the truth of who you really are. You are the king of your own life. Be the king like your life depends on it. Your family, kids, partner, your old self, your current self, your emerging self, your community, all depend on it.
Do not allow your shadow to ruin another day, another moment, another relationship. Calm the farm by putting the table dwellers in their rightful place.
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