You should see the looks I get when I say this: “I TRUST rejection”. They run the gamut from flabbergasted to skeptical to admiring to (dare I say it?) REJECTING. Most people frankly can’t quite process it at first, probably because it sounds so self-defeating and un-American.
Americans don’t know the meaning of the word rejection!!! Rejection is our cue to TRY HARDER, WORK MORE and CHASE FASTER!!! And if all else fails, you cannot reject me because I REJECT YOU!!!!!
It sounds silly when I put it that way, doesn’t it like life is a comic book. Rejection to most of us feels like a signal to ramp up the SMASH! POW! BAM in our comic book lives, and REALLY SHOW THEM! Really show them that we are NOT rejection material, especially if we can lose some weight, start working out or (unfortunately nowadays) just buy a gun.
Groucho Marx once famously said, “I don’t care to belong to any club that will have me as a member.” This is a humorous illustration of the sad fact that we have been programmed to believe that it is the club that REJECTS us that is more desirable. That the rejection proves they are “too good” for us and therefore we need to fight to show our worthiness.
I say this is more comic book logic. The mission of your life should not be a quest to establish your merit to others…the only path to peace and true happiness is to “Know Thyself”, as the ancient Greeks established. We are all bombarded with daily media messages of “rejection”, because if we think we are smart enough, attractive enough and capable enough already, we hardly need to spend our money on books, products, and bling to make it so. Capitalism relies on the premise that whatever it is you have got going on, it is not quite good enough. Until the day you decide that it is.
Because life is not a comic book, there is no big moment when this happens; no parting of the clouds, no mystical wise person to guide you, no life-changing relationship, job, or accomplishment. It happens over time in a million moments; we have to learn some lessons a hundred times before they stick while a few will hit like a lightning bolt. What we gradually come to understand is that not only do some things “happen for a reason”, but others also DON’T “happen for a reason” and this reason is the best reason going: it is not right for you.
Most of us have been dumped by a person we thought we loved…we learned that when love is not a two-way street it may still be love but it is NOT a relationship. Most of us have lost out on jobs we thought we wanted, houses we tried to buy, maybe even clubs we yearned to join. In many cases, time teaches us that there was a better job, house or club for us. So why not skip waiting to know that, and just assume it immediately?
When you lose a job that is supporting you and possibly others, it is hard to wrap your head around the idea that it may be for the best. But the fact that income is necessary to life makes it impossible to wallow for too long; you call headhunters, you look on Craig’s list, you hit the pavement, whatever. And generally speaking you find that next job, whether sooner or later, and all’s well that ends well.
But relationships are trickier, aren’t they? When we get dumped, left, REJECTED we tend to sink into it, believe the message of our worthlessness. And friends will actually support us in wallowing in a way they NEVER would if we did it over a lost job. But they tell us a lot of the same things: “You are better off because you were not appreciated/valued and YOU DESERVE MORE.” What you deserve is permission to be who you are in an environment where that is supported. Bottom line: there should be nothing on earth less interesting to you than someone who isn’t interested in you.
We have all read accounts of people who seem to “have it all” yet are clearly not happy, however, this manifests. Divorce, addiction, violence…we are attracted to stories of woe involving the rich and famous because they tell us something we long to hear but can never quite believe: fame, money, beauty, and recognition are not magical elixirs. These external markers are not proof of internal peace.
If you are not fundamentally happy with yourself, there is nothing you can add to your outside that will make it so, NOTHING. On the other hand, if you are okay with who you are, there is nothing that can happen to you that will convince you otherwise, NOTHING.
That is why I say, BRING ON THE REJECTION and I will THANK YOU. You are saving me a lot of paddling upstream and banging my head against a wall. If I don’t seem like a good thing to you, if you are not interested in being my friend, lover, employer, whatever, then that is okay. My hoop jumping days are behind me and frankly, it was never a strong suit of mine, to begin with.
I am glad to be myself, with or without you. But I do LOVE a club that will have me as a member! That’s when I know I am where I belong.
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This Post is republished on Medium.
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