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My 2017 consisted of me healing deeper issues from my past that resurfaced intensely for inspection, all while simultaneously feeling like I’d been randomly catapulted at extreme speeds into the dawning of a new major chapter of my life.
I spent the majority of this transition feeling very uneasy, to the point where I all but completely disconnected myself socially from others. My rational mind felt discombobulated and confused, and left me feeling like I was stuck between worlds, lost, without a map or even a clue on how to go about processing the next steps I could take in my life. I had what I believed was a clear-cut path before me that I worked my ass off to create for myself.
The past 5 years taught me to maintain minimal expectations in everything I do, and this time was no different. I really took 2017 step by step, because the truth is, I didn’t have the energy to rush ahead anymore. I had my tasks before me and I’d nail them each one by one….but even with all these “plans,” I felt more lost than ever. These tasks that once bore great importance and purpose now felt meaningless. It’s like everything I’ve worked so hard to build these last two years meant jack-squat. As the entrepreneur type, it sure felt like the “twilight zone” variety of strange.
Here’s the thing…I’m cool with being lost.
Feeling lost in life no longer worries me after the wild roller coaster ride I, and a good majority of us, have been on the last five years, or since 2012…or even 2009-10. What was concerning to me is how I seemingly lost all of my drive, too.
Suddenly, I really gave a rats ass about the things I poured my heart and soul energy into. I mean these were things I REALLY cared about. I dedicated my life to them and now I just seemed to not care anymore at the drop of a hat.
I know the way I’m describing all this probably sounds so negative, and the truth is, in the past I would’ve viewed all this as negative, or something needing to be fixed or changed, but that’s just it… it doesn’t feel negative to me anymore and it’s this shift that first became concerning to me.
My intuition told me it’s because I am no longer meant to comprehend the way I “feel” in same ways I was used to comprehending them. Everything actually feels different now, well, because it is.
2017 really changed my perception of how I feel about certain previously disturbing emotional occurrences in my life and the way I view them now has dramatically changed.
For example, in the past, I’d perceive the way I felt the majority of 2017 as negative since I pretty much was reliving out aspects that were eerily reminiscent of the ten-plus year period of my life spent in severe depression, and it wasn’t until this year where I swore that phase was permanently over and done for good since I’d experienced over five years of dormancy from those symptoms.
I could even label 2017 as year spent in depression.
However, my experience was completely different this time around. I no longer judged it, tried to push it away, escape, change, or fix it. I learned on my journey of the last 5 years that it’s not so much about escaping the darkness, but accepting your shadows and learning to become compassionate with yourself as you mingle with them.
I developed a strong practice of self-love and compassion, so even in all the intensity of how I felt in 2017 I still remembered how I was never really being defined by how I was feeling. I could choose whether or not I lived my life in a space of reliving painful past traumas over and over again, and realize I am never a victim. 2017 really showed me how life does not control how I feel, I DO. I may have not been able to control what emotions arose and when they did, but it was my choice in how I decided to handle my reaction to emotions.
The pain I carried came from within myself, not from anyone or anything externally. I was choosing to carry the belief of how I was wounded, but realized it’s just another false story I told myself so I could continue playing small.
The truth is…I am not and never was a victim.
I wasn’t suffering at the hands of others, I was suffering by the beliefs I held about myself. No one is coming to save you. It’s up to you alone to grant yourself freedom from this self-imposed prison you’ve made, and through the power of self-forgiveness just like me, you can break the cycles of self-abuse and drop your fixed mindset, reopening yourself to the gifts that connecting with others can bring. Suffering is optional and a mindset that just screams “I am a victim.” Quit participating in that lame, blame game any longer.
2017 was the year I learned to be more gentle with myself than ever as I said farewell to many aspects of myself I’d been at war with for so long. I learned how courage sometimes means enduring these spaces that feel uncomfortably permanent even though in reality they are temporary and meant only to hold us in place while a major shift within wishes to unfold.
2017 taught me to trust that whatever was aligned prior to this spiral downwards will once again re-emerge and offer true value and meaning to my new chapter in 2018, and reignite itself all on its own accord and stimulating my passions once again.
I’m trusting my next steps are coming, that I will be shown the way, and the only thing for me to do for now is to bring stillness to the clamoring fears of my mind. I’ve learned to stay calm, be present, and be cool with not knowing what’s really happening or coming next. This is what 2017 taught me, oftentimes in an overbearing way.
So when I say, “I feel you,” I mean it. Mentally, physically, spiritually and emotionally, I’m fried. I’m beyond burnt and feel exhausted. I guess maybe I slept this year, but honestly I’m not even sure what the definition of feeling “rested” means anymore.
So much of me has wanted to say “fuck it”, quit, and leave everything behind this past year. My hopes, my dreams, I’m talking about my business, SoulTrekker, Bali…EVERYTHING.
But my heart, that truth-slangin’ bastard, always knows better and it knows I’m closer than ever to bridging the gap between the last two years of overcoming intense struggle and where I’m at now, completely turning over a new leaf, and walking into a new chapter with not only my business, but life in general.
The positives always outweigh the negatives when you come from a space of gratitude, and when you allow yourself to be driven by your passions, both your business and your personal life become one in the same. So 2017 I bow in gratitude for all your lessons. I am grateful.
I will continue taking great risks and choose to follow my heart. I’ve got ZERO expectations about what’s coming next or how this next chapter will even look, but what I do know is that I feel like I’m completely starting over yet again, and if that’s the way the cookie crumbles, so be it. I’ve already made my peace with it.
Honestly, we’ve got nothing left to lose and EVERYTHING left to gain. Make no mistake. That’s the raw truth.
Life’s storms have been weathered, we’ve endured them and survived.
TRANSFORMATION IS REAL.
These storms have made me stronger and they’ve changed me for the better. So one of my intentions for 2018 is to release the life I once knew and allow myself to walk into this new chapter on a clean slate. Rock bottom became the foundation on which I rebuilt my life, and instead of dwelling on what I’ve lost, I’m focusing on rebuilding a new life on my terms and in MY WAY.
2017 taught me to come into full acceptance that me and ONLY ME imposes my limitations in regards to what I can do and where I can go. Only I can create the life I want, no one else can do this for me.
I’m allowing myself to be open to new opportunities. Opportunities that may look differently than I thought they would on the path I believed I was going. I’m letting true freedom be realized, the world is my personal playground, full of abounding, infinite possibilities and my life can instantaneously and positively change.
Anxiously overthinking never solves anything.
The answers you’re seeking can only find themselves into a relaxed mind that believes everything always falls into place in due timing. There really is no need to worry. The reality you want so badly is already here, so for now focus on getting yourself together by repairing that which has been spoiled in your heart, mind, body and spirit.
2018 is the year I cease being caught up in a head full of daydreams, fantasies, and imagination. Don’t get me wrong. I’m not saying that having vision is not important, but vision alone will not get you to where you’d like to go. What gets you there all starts by creating a strong support system within yourself, and this I learned in 2017.
Nothing I need is outside of me.
2018 is the year I fully submit and trust that the Universe has already aligned to support me and the future I desire so badly if I release all timelines and expectations for the packaging in which they’ll arrive. The only thing I need to do is remain open in how it continues to arrive and meet everything halfway.
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Photo Credit: Pixabay
