I am, admittedly an overachieving, recovering Type A+ workaholic. I survived a major case of shingles in 2013, a heart attack in 2014, pneumonia in 2018, E coli in 2020, a diagnosis of COPD in 2021 and COVID in 2022. Each was a wakeup call to slow my roll and take care of myself. It meant being ensconced in a hospital bed and then my own for days at a time. I was fidgety and wanted nothing more than to return to my regular routine. Each time, I bounced back and attempted to hurl myself even higher into activity. That I did, as I have a full time job and several consulting roles. In addition, I watch my adorable, and active grandchildren weekday mornings from 8-11 am until the next shift (the other grandparents or aunt) take over. I then start my counseling job which could mean 8 hours of holding space for clients as we work through the challenges they face in their lives.
Lately, I have noticed gaps in memory, word finding difficulties, fatigue and lack of motivation to get up and go as I had, pre-pandemic. My mother used to say that her ‘get up and go had got up and went.’ I can relate. I attribute some of it to my schedule, my age (I will be 65 in October and have started exploring Medicare options) and absorbing the chaos in the world. As an empath, I feel like a sponge at times. I resist mightily, the idea that I won’t be as active as my parents were, into their early 80s. When they retired at 65 and moved to Florida, they both worked part time for many years afterward. It is what kept them youthful for as long as possible.
A few days ago, I started noticing the onset of laryngitis. No sore throat, but, a sultry voice. Since I speak for a living, I take seriously the need to protect my vocal cords. Hot tea, with lemon and honey, elderberry syrup and lozenges. AND silence. Lots of silence. I canceled a Chinese food lunch date with a friend since I knew there would be a bunch of talking going on. I am planning on staying at home in jammies while I write. I have a few consulting tasks that call for my attention…and my blanket and pillows welcome me as well.
In a recent conversation with my ‘older and wiser cousin,’ Jody, I bemoaned as I occasionally do, that despite earning my chops, seed planting for success, working my tush off, networking, promoting, making connections, being supportive of the work of others, I am still not where I want to be professionally. She lovingly reminded me that I do have a degree of notoriety, that I am doing all I can and need to just let go of expectations of where this can go.
I have this paradoxical view of promotion. My Facebook page is a place where I uplift the work of others and not just my own. There are times when I am reluctant to signal boost my own offerings, for fear of being thought ego focused and self aggrandizing. Then I consider that those who are famous authors and speakers didn’t get there strictly by virtue of their humility. They let the world know what they were up to, didn’t hide their lights under their respective bushels and shared their work with gusto. What I have observed happening, for some is that they get ‘discovered’ by someone who is an influencer who takes this person under their wing and they are carried aloft to the rarified air of viral sensation. I would like to know what that feels like…and yet, the voice in my head (not a psychotic voice) tells me I should be grateful and satisfied with what I have and where I am in the moment. After all, I write a weekly article for The Good Men Project, for goodness sake! Nine years and counting.
And then the ego flare kicks in and demands to know why I wouldn’t hear an enthusiastic YES! from every site to which I have pitched my writing and from every stage on which I desire to stand to deliver messages that would be of benefit to anyone who chose to listen. It is a pitched battle with my inner child who then pouts that she isn’t being loved best of all and my inner critic who I call Perfectionista who tsk tsks at me and says, “You know, if you were good enough, you would be chosen.” I am learning to blow raspberries at her.
In 2021, I wrote an article for The Good Men Project called “Taking Good Advice- Attract, Don’t Pursue,” that was about the frustration and lessons learned along the way toward where I say I want to be. Long ago, I decided I wanted to be ‘on the big stage,’ and I have been as I stood on the stage hosted by TEDx on October 1, 2022 to offer Overcoming the Taboo of Touch. I have checked other items off my bucket list, including writing a book and interviewing His Holiness the Dalai Lama. I just watched and listened to the talk I gave at Circle of Miracles called Checking Items Off Your Bucket List and got a boost when realizing that I have come a long way and getting stuff done at just the right pace.
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This Post is republished on Medium.
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