Despite growing up in a household without a father, DeVon Franklin believes he was still given a dynamic understanding of masculinity.
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Like many African-American men I did not have the constant presence of a father growing up. Fortunately for me though, I did have the consistent presence of a strong parent and role model…my mother, Paulette. My parents had been together since they were teenagers, having fallen in love from almost the moment they met. They married, bought a house in the suburbs, and had three healthy, happy sons. From the outside it would seem as though they were living the proverbial “American Dream.” Until everything began to unravel…
My father, Donald Ray Franklin, was attractive and charismatic with so much going for him, but he was also a man struggling with alcoholism. He began disappearing for days at a time due to drinking benders and eventually lost his job as a fast-rising executive at UPS. We lost our house. He left. My mom, doing the best she could, took her 3 boys and moved us into my grandparents’ house. She didn’t have enough income to support us so we ended up having to go on welfare to get by. Her dream life had turned into a nightmare.
Despite having her world turned upside down, my mother was relentless in her fight to make our lives better. In the years that would follow, she began working at a local day care center, and we were able to move into our own apartment. Things slowly improved, and our lives became more stable. Never one to rest on her laurels, she also went back to school to earn her degree in childcare and early childhood development. During this time, my father was rarely around. The occasions that we did see him, he was usually drunk and far from the loving man we had once known him to be. Eventually he had a heart attack and passed away at the age of 36, leaving behind my mom, my brothers and I.
Now my mother was faced with the dilemma: “How am I going to raise these three boys to become men without the presence of a father?” Conventional wisdom would say that finding some positive male influences that we, as young boys, could look up to would be the answer. And while she did make sure we had strong males in our life, like my grandfather and my pastor (who was also my uncle), my mother wanted to give us something more than that. My mother’s answer was to bring together a coalition of women, the same women who she was raised with.
My grandmother had seven sisters and my mom was raised with them. They were always an integral part of her life and naturally became an integral part of our life too, even more so after my father passed away. These nine women (My mother, Grandmother, Aunt Nuna, Aunt Jayne, Aunt Ida, Aunt Enis, Aunt Chrystal, Aunt Donna & Aunt Sondra) were not only the village that would raise us, but also formed the foundation of who we would become as men.
They taught us about life, how to handle money, how to cook, the birds and the bees, love and God. They would candidly share their horror stories involving various men they had been involved with and use these stories as cautionary tales of what we shouldn’t do in life. They never hesitated to illustrate their mistakes as way to help us grow into the men they knew we could be and the men they prayed we would become.
As young men, having so many strong women in our life helping us to discover our manhood was a tremendous blessing. And despite growing up in a household without a father, I feel like I was still given a dynamic understanding of masculinity. One of the key things I learned from my mother & her “coalition” was that masculinity didn’t have to be defined by the traditional societal norms. As men, our culture teaches us that manhood is about domination, control, selfishness, arrogance and greed. That winning at any cost is not only acceptable but is the only way to come out on top. Being raised by women my brothers and I thankfully learned otherwise. We learned that real masculinity doesn’t come at the expense of other people’s well-being. Real masculinity is built on sacrifice, love and compassion—a lesson that has proven invaluable as a husband, as a businessman, and hopefully someday, as a father. While I still deal with the impact of my father’s death every day (and know that I always will), I am grateful to have been able to learn valuable lessons about masculinity through the dynamic lens of femininity. Lead by my fearless and loving mother, these women played a vital role in shaping every aspect of my life in a positive and powerful way.
This post originally appeared at MariaShriver.com. Reprinted with permission.
About the author: DeVon Franklin is a growing force in entertainment and media. Beliefnet named him one of the “Most Influential Christians Under 40.” The bestselling author of Produced By Faith: Enjoy Real Success Without Losing Your True Self is also President & CEO of Franklin Entertainment, a preacher and motivational speaker. He most recently produced the Sony Pictures film, Miracles From Heaven starring Jennifer Garner. He’s a graduate of the University of Southern California. Follow DeVon on Twitter.
Photo: Getty Images
I’m sorry but I have to throw this in …. I went to her site and on the first page I saw this article “BY KATE HOIT / ON A MISSION This Memorial Day, I’m Remembering the Women We’ve Lost” Seriously?
“And while she did make sure we had strong males in our life, like my grandfather and my pastor (who was also my uncle)” There is your answer folks, not that he was raised by women, but women that were raised by good men (the grandfather), and women that insured that he had male role models in his life. Rather then examine and report the truth, acknowledge the rarity of this event, the overwhelming evidence to the contrary, the fact that our most violent criminals, rapists are overwhelmingly (in the 90% bracket) raised in the single parent female head of… Read more »
Glad I waited to respond … DJ, you usually say what I would say but you say it better.
Sadly the reality is that for every “perceived” success story like this, there are countless stories to the contrary. Those stories along with substantiated stats are commonly swept under the carpet. If anybody thinks there is no ulterior motive to ramp up the female head of household success stories, you’re blind.