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Loneliness is not a fact it is emotion. It is pervasive and contributes to the breakdown of both the body and the brain resulting in death by illness and suicide by people, mostly men, age 45 and older. The loss is incomprehensible and avoidable. “How” is the question.
Historical Context
When the world was young, evolving humans were much like the elephants. A herd of females with a matriarch in charge made sure the species survived—cared for the young, knew the feeding grounds, the watering holes, and the migration paths. Male elephants wandered alone but near the herd, fighting other males for dominance so only the best genes survived. Then, at the time of procreation, they joined the females, sired the next generation, and left.
Over time, things changed. Ensuring the survival of the species took on layers of societal constructs which put the male at the top of the family unit. As the dominant wage earner, he had the strength, power, and money to assume authority, control, and rule the homestead as well as establish his rightful place on the economic ladder. Females provided the males sexual outlet, the home maintenance, the children, and appropriate social partner. At least, that was the idea, and for many families, it worked.
Another leap to the WWII era when the nation’s most of the male workforce went to war. The only people left were women. To the astonishment of businesses, corporations, and government, the women did a great job, crushing stereotypes as they supported our troops and their families. Women figured out how to do it all: work, family, housekeeping, and men learned how to kill. Those that came back had to deal with survival, work and family, and the stressors of the experience, injury, war, and death.
Men returned to work, sending the women home. Massive media campaigns extolled the virtues of women in the house, with even more vigor than the previous campaigns to send women into the workplace. If men chose to go to college, women took “service” jobs like secretary, teacher, waitress, so the men, preparing to be the main wage-earners, could get their credentials.
I remember, prior to the Women’s movement, growing up with the understanding that it was my job, once I married, to make sure my husband could do his. I was also encouraged, by my mother, to get an education so that I could support myself in the meantime, prior to marriage, and during and after marriage, if I had to. But, the most important degree was an M.R.S. Find, love, marry a man who would take care of me — forever. And, I did. At twenty-one years-of-age.
All went according to plan until the Women’s Movement challenged the assumptions and perceptions of assigned roles and abilities.
Fast forward to now. Society still clings to gender identity. Women are silenced when they get too rowdy, smart, and aggressive. Men are silenced when they get too emotional, sensitive, and compassionate. Those who fall into neither category, negotiate norms so they can live their lives as they are meant to.
CRASH. BANG. CHAOS.
A major crisis wrecks life’s precarious balance: job loss, infidelity, stock market crash, illness, injury, accident, or death. It doesn’t matter. The partnership, life as we know it, knew it, doesn’t survive. In my case, my husband died of cancer at forty-nine-years-old. I was forty-four.
Silent, rejecting needs I can’t even name, and alone, I sat and wondered, now what? How do I do … anything? I found a brave face to show to my family and the community, but I ran for cover, and isolation, as soon as, and as often as, I could. The world I knew no longer had a place for me.
I had entered the emotional state of loneliness which exacerbated my depression. As a woman, it was easier for me to talk about my feelings, get help, reach out. But, in the case of male loneliness, men are reluctant to talk to friends, although they will talk to strangers, preferably by phone. Why?
Dr. Martin Seager, interviewed in Newsweek said, “The way I look at it, if men have evolved as fathers, protectors, and survivors, they are going to feel life is worth living to the extent they can provide and protect.” In his view, the problem comes when the world changes and men are no longer able to fulfill this traditional role.
In the same article, Mike Buchanan, 58, founder of the world’s first political party for men’s human rights, Justice for Men & Boys (and the women who love them), believes the rise of women has triggered the fall of men.
As a woman, my immediate reaction to both assertions was “Ah-Ha.” All legislation by male dominated lawmakers to take away women’s rights of their bodies and their choices is to keep “the little lady” at home. They are terrified their wives will leave. It is a fact that since women have been able to support themselves, divorce rates have risen at the men’s 45 age mark. And, it is very possible that women walk because they are lonely in the relationship, leaving behind a partner who, I bet, is just as lonely.
What is loneliness?
The clinical approach is well said in Wikipedia: Loneliness is a complex and usually unpleasant emotional response to isolation or lack of companionship. Loneliness typically includes anxious feelings about a lack of connection or communication with other beings, both in the present and extending into the future.
The experiential approach, from personal experience and tidbits from other articles, concludes loneliness is more painful. Loneliness occurs when there is a lack of
• unconditional acceptance/love;
• positive reinforcement in action and words;
• another person’s accessibility and response;
• two-way contacts (no one calls);
• approval to break social norms;
• non-judgmental listener;
• reciprocal consideration;
• touch
• recognition of worth.
In short, Marc Katz, “The Heart of Loneliness: How Jewish wisdom Can Help You Cope and Find Comfort” says, loneliness is … an underlying hunger to be seen. I’ll add, be seen as your authentic self.
Unfortunately, and I can attest to this, neither Prince Charming or Princess Beautiful will arrive on your doorstep to save the day. Neither will the “Snap out of it. Get up, get dressed, and get out,” approach work in a vacuum, however for loneliness it true and the basis of most tips to eradicate or at least survive loneliness.
It may help to know that those who suffer are slaves to a society which uses and disposes people. The conditioning starts early putting our children at risk of following in the footsteps of loneliness and suicide. Until recently, girls are silenced with be pretty, not too smart, and cooperate. Boys are silenced, taught not to show emotion, tough it out, be a team player, and win. As a result, men like to be around a large team and doing something. As their circle dwindles and the doing disappears, they can become uncomfortable and withdraw.
From the Newsweek article: “Another aspect of increasing social isolation is people’s strong desire for privacy. By and large, society values privacy over face-to-face interaction—in other words, taking the necessary time for others. For example, without company coming over, you do not have to clean your home, provide refreshments and a meal, or take a close interest in another person’s life. Often, it is our own propensity toward the path of least resistance that leads us to feel lonely.”
Fight the War on Loneliness?
Are you mad yet? Pissed off that society has failed you? Told you what you can and cannot be? What you should and should not do? And then, left you to die?
If you’re not, get angry. Get furious. Men, you’ve been trained for war, to serve and protect, and this is the biggest, toughest war yet. You must fight for yourself. Your life depends on it. Strategize. Evaluate. Plan. Take Action.
For men and women, a life-changing crisis is devastating and difficult. Been there, done that. And, from experience, I know it takes time and work. However, I found it gave me a chance to start over, rethink priorities, regain balance, explore options, and make meaningful, life-enhancing choices.
Therefore, say “No,” to the society’s conventions that leave you empty, deny your feelings, and stop you from choices that make you happy, fulfilled, and self-actualized. Say “Yes” to the victory of achieving a life with purpose, energy, and rewards that you define and pursue.
Additional References:
Psych Central – Surprising Differences Between Lonely Women and Lonely Men
Real Truth – Lonliness-Insoluble Social Problem?
Tonic – What’s it Like to Have Chronic Loneliness
The Cure Joy – What are the Causes and Effects of Chronic Loneliness
The Fit Indian – The 5 Negative Effects of Loneliness on Physical and Mental Health
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Photo Credit: Getty Images
Yes! See, I’m saying yes. This is a strong article on an important subject. Thanks for sharing it.
Thank you, Lynn.
In his view, the problem comes when the world changes and men are no longer able to fulfill this traditional role. In the same article, Mike Buchanan, 58, founder of the world’s first political party for men’s human rights, Justice for Men & Boys (and the women who love them), believes the rise of women has triggered the fall of men. It wasn’t the rise of women that has triggered this. It’s the backlash to men rising on their own that has triggered this. To me the problem is that despite all the progressive rhetoric and freedom for women, people… Read more »
Thank you, Danny for hour comments. You included the pbrase, “people still want men.” Each of us have to decide how we want to live our lives. Behave like we think the faceless people expect and be unhappy and unfulfilled? Or, explore and find our authentic self so we no longer have to pretend and stifle our happiness? The day I chose to give up trying to please people who didn’t give a damn about me was the best day and best decision of my life. I wish that freedom for you.
Agreed. One of the hardest things Ive ever had to come to terms with is the fact that no matter what I do good bad or otherwise people will still decide to view me as a threat simply because I am a man. In minds of people looking for confirmation bias there will always be some angle, some complaint, some lopsided viewpoint or whatever used to justify assuming I am a threat. I offer help when I can. I do good where I can. But I’m pretty much done trying to tailor my life to please people who have already… Read more »
Disregard this comment. I thought I was replying to a discussion on a different post.
Carol,
I (and other men) can chose to give up trying to please or be at the disposal of other people. But that doesn’t automatically mean that those people will shut up about it (since we don’t have that kind of power over other people, especially those that don’t really wish us good to begin with).
That, I think, was Danny’s point. And you can’t really blame or frame HIM for it.
Thank you for your comment, Flyingkal. I neither blame him or frame him or other men. If a person lives their life to please other people, worry about what they think, then they are at the mercy of others, who, in all probablity don’t give a hoot about anything or anyone other than keeping the status quo. Find who you are, the kind of person you want to be, and break out of the box. You will find a new group of people in this new space and be far more content and less likely to fall into despair and… Read more »
Hi Carol, I said, “people still want men.” because its more accurate than saying “society still wants” because people influence society. Each of us have to decide how we want to live our lives. Agreed. The day I chose to give up trying to please people who didn’t give a damn about me was the best day and best decision of my life. I wish that freedom for you. I’m working on giving myself that freedom. It seems to work wonders once you figure it out. What I’m getting at is just as with any other group men have their… Read more »
Yes, I agree.
Here is a second thought, speaking of elephants and matriarchy…or perhaps to segue into my second comment, because this is a very important discussion. There was an accidental experiment conducted some years ago with elephant culture. The story was written by Wade Horn, Ph.D., President of the National Fatherhood Initiative. The proprietors of, Kruger National Park game reserve sought a solution to elephant overpopulation in the park. They thinned the herd by either killing the large bulls, or relocating the more easily air-lifted females and adolescent males. In short, determined, as Margarete Meade did some years ago, that fatherhood was… Read more »
Thank you, DJ for yojr thoughtful comments. I agree that both parents are essential for modeling and that mother and father bring separate but important energy to the family. I hope I didn’t suggest otherwise. What I do feel is that inidividuals caught in the constrictions of how they think society wants them to behave (and model) overlook that they as individuals have an ideology that is changing faster then “society.” Therefore, by breaking free and concentrating on building self-confidence, exploring qualities that support the family, different outcome may be possible. I don’t have the answer and I certainly don’t… Read more »
Hi Carol, Not at all. Your personal story was touching, and the rest resonated. It’s just that people such as yourself (normal people) tend to turn the knob, open the door, and quietly walk through, where as I like a running start and to crash through face first. What I was trying to spit out was that loneliness, isolation and all other issues that some guys are dealing with are symptoms. Having trouble adjusting to a changing world is a symptom. This all really happened through the late 70s and 80s, when I had come of age. Everything changed. Bothered… Read more »
“As a woman, my immediate reaction to both assertions was “Ah-Ha.” All legislation by male dominated lawmakers to take away women’s rights of their bodies and their choices is to keep “the little lady” at home.” Good words, but the one problem I see is that we currently do this to our boys now rather than our girls, as everyone except men have decided this new direction for men, and that started with deconstructing the one thing that has harmed men more than anything – male community, masculine teaching, male role models, basically everything we support for women. We’ve gone… Read more »
Thank you, DJ. My husband was a great husband, father, and friend ( with some issues I won”t get into on this) and I misa him every day. For the most part, I do understand and agree. The conversation is not over as far as the sexes coexisting. All I know is if we don”t like it, we must change course or live in the endless loop of frustration. I have found, by choosing my own path, caring little aboit the people who don’y get me, life became easier, happier, and fulfilling.
Yes, But do you know the one thing that I see that is missing, that we had way back when? Pride. I’m proud to be a man, but I see an entirely different heritage then what has been promulgated into our consciousness. Shit rolls off my back, but true enough, today it’s all about shame and blame, what men have “done” to women, remembering the worst, forgetting the best (that most of us are). When we say, “be yourself”, it is often, be the you that I demand, the “you” that will benefit me, or shame shall befall you because… Read more »
Very ineresting, DJ. I had no idea. Shaming and blaming is not in my wheelhouse. Pride, I do know about that. I am proud of myself for getting through some very tough times, for forging ahead, creating opportunities, of my children and grandchildren, and still learning. But I can’t say that I am proud of things that I had nothing to do with, like being female or tall. I have been been targeted and ridiculed for both, but it was the others’ problem not mine. What I am most proud of is not letting what others think stop me from… Read more »
This place has an uncanny ability to wipe entire posts out right before one hits, send. I’m the same, Carol. None of this is personal to me. I have a great life, great wife, and friends. It’s empathy (which, of course, if we read the funny papers, men do not have), for my fellow men that motivates me because I see injustice of epic proportions, and the perpetrators blaming the victim (not unlike arresting male victims of domestic violence). It is the injustice, discrimination, double standards, and blame we heft upon men, and it is affecting many, yet we tend… Read more »
And we see the results with our boys dropping from higher education like flies (just about to 1/3 now), income levels back to 1960, unemployment, suicide rates off the charts, homelessness, but rather then blame ourselves, our society, and getting busy fixing it, ourselves, we turn and blame masculinity, blame men again, they need fixing. And its getting worse. I think in schools in like the UK and Australia curriculum are starting to pop up that are teaching boys in elementary school that they have male privilege and oppress girls. An important step is being ignored here. Supposedly women are… Read more »
“I’m saying this as a way to question the accepted wisdom” I think that encompasses what you, I, Carol, and a host of others are starting to do, each in our own way, with our own understanding. Important though, is that we share those opinions, uncensored, unrestricted, so that each individual garners the entire picture put together like pieces of a puzzle. I found this to be one of the more interesting reads here, about how we’ve held men silent for so long, using that exact pride that I spoke of against them; how so many end up as Carol… Read more »
Hi DJRoukan
It is always interesting to read your comments. You have a lots of knowledge . I don’t .
So let me ask you something I can not understand.
The world happiness report 2017 have four counties on top. Equally .
Norway,Denmark ,Iceland and Switzerland.
I have no knowledge about Switzerland,but the three other countries have more equally between the sexes than you have in the U.S.
What is so different in America ?