—
I used to tell men about their experiences all the time. Because I’m intuitive! I’m analytical! I’m a wise woman! Damn it, I can light a path!
(Read: tongue-in-cheek.)
Maybe I’ve studied men enough to know a thing or two. And maybe I truly can trace the root cause of a behavior. However, I have no business telling men about their experience. It took me a long time to learn this. I can’t even imagine all the people I offended along the way with my high-horse behavior.
Recently, I’ve been on a personal path of cleaning up unboundaried or unserving relationships. And a lot of relationships have had to close, actually. A few of them came to a close when I realized that I was really frustrated with being told about my own experience – and the interpretations were wrong. I was pretty shocked to be told about their interpretations of the root of my behavior, and then it held over my head as if it were true. Once the interpretation had been made, they held it against me, as if it were correct.
I really like to study human behavior and the nuances of it. So when I communicate my experience, it is to say that I notice it. It is not to make a big wounded deal about it. I’m fine.
But it really got me thinking. So often, when we think we see why someone is doing something, and then we TELL THEM that they ARE doing this, a few things have just happened. If we slow it down, we can see.
1. We just made an assumption.
2. The assumption is likely based on our own projection (meaning we see it through our lens, and our lens are all somewhat dirty and streaked with our past experiences).
3. We are now sitting there expecting the person to agree with our assessment AND change their behavior based on our assessment.
But the whole damn thing is…. We could actually be WRONG.
And then what we did is put our own need to be right, or have our projection met, over top of the other person’s ability to have their own truth. (With a subconscious power differential at play.)
In the work I do with couples, we work on what happens when we make our observations based on our own present-moment experience. What happens is that the finger pointing, defensiveness, and projection are all significantly calmed.
But recently, in working with a couple to teach present moment observations, one partner’s present moment observations were projections in disguise. They sounded like, “I notice you are feeling angry.” I want to give some tips to readers about this, so that we can stop telling other people about their experience, and instead, open to more curiosity, as a bridge to connection.
1. You don’t notice your partner is angry. You notice a behavior. Like silence or raised voice or slamming a chair, and you’ve interpreted the behavior as anger. (Doesn’t matter if you might be right.) TIP: Notice behaviors. Give facts about what you notice.
2. Ask if you are interpreting things correctly. “I notice that you are silent when I bring this up, and I imagine that that means that you are angry. Am I close?” TIP: “I notice___, and I wonder ___.”
3. Speak from your own experience, and let them do the same. “When you are silent, I notice that I feel some fear that you’ll run away. Can we talk about what is coming up for both of us?” TIP: Showing vulnerability and communicating exactly what is happening for you, contrary to common assumptions about vulnerability being terrifying, can actually be a really straight-forward way to decrease tension otherwise brought on by making assumptions about an experience.
When we bring curiosity to a situation, we allow far more space for connection than when we tell someone else about their experience. Does it feel good to you when you’re told about your experience? Didn’t think so. For longevity of relationship and connection: bring your heart, tune in to what else might be true, get curious, ask if you are right, and ask your friend/partner to let you know what is really true for them. And be open to the answer you hear.
We are proud of our SOCIAL INTEREST GROUPS—WEEKLY PHONE CALLS to discuss, gain insights, build communities— and help solve some of the most difficult challenges the world has today. Calls are for Members Only (although you can join the first call for free). Not yet a member of The Good Men Project? Join below!
All levels get to view The Good Men Project site AD-FREE.
Register New Account
Please note: If you are already a writer/contributor at The Good Men Project, log in here before registering. (Request a new password if needed).
Don’t like ads? Become a supporter and enjoy The Good Men Project ad free
◊♦◊
ANNUAL PLATINUM membership ($50 per year) includes:
1. AN ALL ACCESS PASS — Join ANY and ALL of our weekly calls, Social Interest Groups, classes, workshops, and private Facebook groups. We have at least one group phone call or online class every day of the week.
2. See the website with no ads when logged in!
3. MEMBER commenting badge.
*** ANNUAL GOLD membership ($25 per year) includes all the benefits above — but only ONE Weekly Social Interest Group and ONE class.
*** ANNUAL BRONZE membership ($12 per year) is great if you are not ready to join the full conversation but want to support our mission anyway. You’ll still get a BRONZE commenting badge, and you can pop into any of our weekly Friday Calls with the Publisher when you have time. This is for people who believe—like we do—that this conversation about men and changing roles and goodness in the 21st century is one of the most important conversations you can have today.
♦◊♦
We have pioneered the largest worldwide conversation about what it means to be a good man in the 21st century. Your support of our work is inspiring and invaluable.
—
Sarah Poet is the creator and founder of Embodied Breath, a movement to consciously navigate and heal the space between the masculine & feminine. Using trauma-informed and mindfulness-based approaches, Sarah coaches couples and individuals toward true internal healing, embodiment, and authentic connection. Watch her TEDx on Masculine & Feminine in every person @ www.sarahpoet.com.
